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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD 1st Birthday

17 replies

ItsBritneyBitchhh · 13/04/2016 10:55

DD is 1 in a few weeks time, DH and I were looking to have a small tea party to celebrate the occasion, inviting close family and friends.

MIL and SIL have not responded to my messages about this, but have definitely received them. DH Uncle has told me that they be got my messages but aren't sure they can be bothered to make the journey to come up as its 'only for a tea party' It is about an hour or so each way but I have offered for them to stay overnight if it would help.

They have not seen DD for 4 months now since we last went to visit them. I'm worried they will miss out on her growing up and she won't have a relationship with them. I feel sad for DD as although she is too little to know it's her birthday her Grandma and Auntie aren't bothered.

DH (and I) feel hurt that they do not even feel they need to text me back or that DD 1st Birthday is not worth acknowledging.

For background we do have an alright relationship with them. We are not especially close but there have been no fall-outs. I think MIL is a very selfish and entitled woman but I kept those thoughts to myself.

AIBU to send them both a message to say that they aren't welcome anyway so not to worry about it?

OP posts:

paxillin · 13/04/2016 10:59

Don't send it. Nothing to be gained from it. Some people don't see first birthdays as such a big deal, seeing that baby will be totally unaware.

frazmum · 13/04/2016 11:05

Perhaps they're waiting for the actual invite in the post.

Groovee · 13/04/2016 11:06

Don't tell them they aren't welcome. Just invite, have the time with your Dd and those who do care and try not to let MIL and SIL get to you. It's their loss.

RaeSkywalker · 13/04/2016 11:09

Don't message them, it's not going to help the situation. Could your DH call them and ask if they plan to attend?

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2016 11:11

Just ring and ask if they're coming or not. Or better still, get your DP to ring them

The uncle shit stirrer might have got it wrong and they're actually seeing if they can make the date/travel etc. Or possibly needing to change round an appointment.

Don't send a text telling them they're no longer welcome, or you'll come across as the same age as your DD.

Original poster

ItsBritneyBitchhh · 13/04/2016 11:16

DH tried to call them at the weekend and neither of them answered or returned his voicemail.

I've just tried to call them both now and have left voicemails again.

It just seems so rude to ignore it. It takes. 2 seconds to send a text saying that they aren't sure and will let us know.

OP posts:

Pixienott0005 · 18/04/2016 15:08

It's their loss. You DD has loving parents and fundamentally that's all she needs family wise.

murphyslaws · 18/04/2016 15:10

So mean. I would be so cross.

DropYourSword · 18/04/2016 15:15

Don't send a text, it's just cutting off your nose to spite your face and won't achieve anything. I appreciate that it takes 2 seconds to send a text saying that they aren't sure and will let us know but even if you received this text you wouldn't be any further forward realistically.
I get 1st birthdays are a really big deal for most parents. But for lots of others, it's just not so much.
I hope you and your DD have a lovely day.

ollieplimsoles · 18/04/2016 15:16

Fuck em!

Why would you want a selfish and entitled woman at her birthday party anyway.

Let go of the 'but she's her auntie/ grandma' mentality now, because it will only cause more upset when things like this blow up in your face.

They don't want to come to their grand daughter's/ neice's bd party, their loss.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 18/04/2016 15:40

If you need a cut off point because it changes your plans then I'd suggest waiting until that point and then (if you still can't get through to them) leave a breezy message saying sorry you've missed speaking to each other but you're going to have to assume they can't make it as you've decided to do X,y,z that needed a decision making at this point. And then chat with your DP about whether you want to invite them in the future to things like this.
Don't let it spoil your time with your daughter, it's you that'll lose the most if that happens.

PotteringAlong · 18/04/2016 15:46

I wouldn't drive for 2 hours for a first birthday tea party either. But for me it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I don't think I even invited my parents when ds1 was 1. I certainly didn't invite my sister as she lives 5 hours away. In fact, I didn't invite her to ds2's christening for that reason.

Just because it's important to you doesn't mean it's important to them, and they might not realise it's so important to you if they don't care : just call them and ask. If you want them to be there because it's important to you say that.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/04/2016 15:46

Sending that text would make you worst than them.lf you ever spoke to them like that in the past l doubt they'll come. If not don't start now. Just go ahead with whoever can come. Don't contact them again. Would they be the type to just turn up with no reply?

BarbarianMum · 18/04/2016 15:49

Why on earth would you want your dd to become close to someone who is rude, selfish and entitled? Surely the thing to do would be to keep her at arm's length?

lavenderdoilly · 18/04/2016 16:02

We have this. My side are geographically closer but all have grown up kids so can't be arsed. Dh side much further awat and really make an effort. Breaks my heart. Your dd will love cake, presents, candles, singing. Fuss generally.They won't care who's there. You will have to grin and bear it. And fake it. Well done for this 1 year milestone. Many happy returns to your dd when the day comes.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 18/04/2016 16:03

I don't think I'd fancy an hours drive for a tea party, but I'd at least have the grace to let you know I wasn't planning on coming. This attitude is what winds me up the most every time we've done a party for our children - people who cba to reply!
Please don't send the text, you'd be sinking to their level. Just assume they're not coming!
My sister has form for this, I send an invite, remind her with a fb message or text and I get nothing back. On one occasion she did decide to come, but spoke to my Mum about it and not me! I found out with less than a week to go on that occasion.

Janecc · 18/04/2016 16:20

You are not alone in having a crap family. I would just get on with it and ignore their ignorance. If you start contacting them in disgust, then it will just blow up and you will get even more upset as if what the uncle says is true, they are likely to be particularly vile to you. My DD knows that the great family starts with us.

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