AIBU regarding dd & domestic violence.

[PeppasNanna]

Dd is 24. Lives at home. Articulate, intelligent, very good job. Very stubborn & a strong personality but obviously i love her dearly. I know I have indulged her over the years. Eg: she doesnt pay rent as she was meant to be saving a deposit but never did.

Dd has had an on off relationship with her dp since she was 17.

Hes a prolific burglar. He's been in & out of priaon since he was 15. I wasn't happy with her choice but it was her choice. Her dp was never anything but polite etc whenever he came to our house...Spent Christmas' with us etc.

Then our house was raided, twice. He was arrested yet again. I stood up in Crown Court defending him. I couldnt have tried harder to help him.

Then i realised dd was scared of him. I realised he was controlling. I suspected he was hitting her but she wouldn't confide in me. Then he beat her up so badly that she had black eyes for 2 weeks. The police didnt follow up (do not know the details). He ended up back in Prison for another crime. Dd realised he'd also cheated on her.

2 years later my dd has started seeing him again.

Last night at 12.40 he came to our house. Dd let him in. They didn't acknowledge dp or I. Walked straight past the room we were in without speaking to us.

I have told dd i respect but do not like her choice of partner. I cannot & will not tolerate him in my home.

Dd says I am listening to my dp & being 2 faced. My dp isn't happy with the situation but ultimately this is about a criminal who steals for a living & beat my dd on many occasions but to the point she had bruising for 2 weeks.

She's an adult but i cannot ignore what her dp does & did to her.

AIBU?

I think "Murdered by my Boyfriend" is still available on iPlayer. Should be on there permanently as a public service frankly.

For whatever reason your DD does not have the strength to deal with this guy. I would
a) want to take steps to ensure that she starts to build the skills to ensure that once rid of him, she doesn't walk straight into a relationship with a similar character elsewhere.
and
b) I would encourage her to move far away from this man, somewhere where he can't follow her. As an engineer she may also have a lot of opportunity for international secondments with the right company. See the world, build professional experience meet normal men, etc etc

You should absolutely tell her that he is not welcome in your home.

Maybe you could agree to let him come to the house if she agrees to do the Freedom Programme.

If this guy has changed so much and poses no threat to your daughter then he will not object to sitting down and discussing his past behaviour with you. He is dating your daughter and after his criminal and violent behaviour and total disregard for her as well as your family's well being, you are perfectly within your rights to want to talk to him before even entertaining the idea of letting him back into your home. Breezing past you was totally disrespectful and would indicate he probably won't. If he is not prepared to do this then it is likely your DD is being slowly isolated from you and manipulated. I would then definitely ban him from the house and not facilitate this relationship in any way. Threatening to throw her out will likely be met with defiance and her moving out which will isolate her further.
A reformed criminal is a person on the road to redemption and can earn respect and support. A manipulator and liar deserves none. If he definitely is still engaging in criminal activities, I'd contact the police. Or is he genuinely now trying to turn his life around? In any case it sounds as if the communication between you and your DD needs to be reestablished. I think you should contact a domestic violence charity advice line.

My husbands cousin is a low life and has been to prison. He was abusive to his ex girlfriend poor girl. I spoke to her a few times about it and keeping herself safe and tried to get her to distance herself from him. DH and I also tried to support him. She finally got away from him but it took at least 5 years, in which time he'd done nothing with his life apart from being on the dole and smoking massive amounts of dope whilst she studied and got a good job. She dumped him and he blamed her parents (what a joke!!) This was all before he went to prison for beating up his father. He came out of prison and manipulated his mother into stealing around 20k from her mother for whom she had power of attorney. He has strangled his mother a couple of times, may have done more for all we know and she won't press charges. He's a lost cause and we have nothing to do with either him or his mother. He did have a difficult upbringing, his father was abusive to his mother and sometimes him. His mother has trained him into being her abuser.
I really do hope this guy has changed. I think sometimes prison reforms people but it often exposes them to even worse influences. Good luck op. I posted stuff earlier about what I would may be do.

YANBU. I was in a dodgy relationship (some hitting, controlling and downright weird behaviour) when I was 18/19, and it was only when he moved away was truly "free".
My parents stayed out of it. Even when I tried to talk about it, all I got was "you're an adult now".
You're doing the right thing not ignoring it.

Hi OP
Sorry to hear about this - sounds like a dreadful situation.
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this to our relationships topic