Aibu regarding potty training?

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

DS2 is 3.1 and still in nappies.
DS1 was potty trained by now and I keep getting people telling me that DS2 should be potty trained by now.

He shows no interest in the potty and I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail. I try rewards such as a chocolate button but then he just wants the rest of them after having one and screams/paddys for them, which ruins the whole concept.
I should add that DS2 has a speech and language delay and has suspected asd, so trying incentives/rewards and trying to explain what to do I'm not sure that he understands.

I'm just so fed up about it. I didn't enjoy potty training ds1 but at least I felt like I was getting somewhere when he responded to what I was saying to him and understood rewards.

Family keep telling me to knuckle down and get it done, but if I keep doing it and he keeps screaming every time I show him the potty and won't go near it, then we are both going to get more and more fed up and frustrated and he is just going to resent it.
At the same time though, I worry that he won't be poorly trained by the time he starts school!

Health visitor is coming next week to do his 3 year development check, and she told me we will have a chat about his potty training when she comes. She's told me not to get too stressed about it and don't force it, but with family going on and on about it thinking they know best, I naturally listen to the negative comments from my family rather than the reassuring comments from the health visitor.

Do you think I'm unreasonable for not having potty trained him by now? Can anyone give me any tips?

Rubble Yeah that's a good idea. It's a gentle stress free start.

Both mine are nt, and we're still in nappies at 3yrs. My ds2 in particular didn't like pooing in a pot, and I got crap advice from the health visitor (to keep him in the nappy, but cut out the middle part wtf I was sick of pooey pants and put him back in nappies for a time, and tried later. I also know children who have SEN who are still in nappies in mainstream school, so don't feel pressure from that either.

Sorry people keep saying "nt". I'm probably just being a bit dim but what does that mean? None trained?

Neurotypical (I think)

Means they don't have any SEN

I was in your situation until last week. My DD is 3.4 and until last week had point blank refused to sit on the toilet/use a potty, MIL was asking shouldn't she be potty trained by now, I thought we were never going to get there.

Then last week she went to the bathroom and closed the door, I went to find out what she was doing and she had got herself ready and was sitting on the toilet! Since then she asked to buy knickers, enthusiastically chosen a travel potty and is now telling me when she needs to do a wee and doing it on the potty (though she will now only use her travel potty not the toilet with the special seat on! ). I hope this reassures you that it will happen when he is ready.

As need said. I had never heard of it before MN!

Sproker

That's really common. Try laying a nappy in the potty for him to poo on. ;)

There's no "should be" for potty training; they do it when they're ready. DS1 (who has Aspergers) had just turned 2 and decided to remove his pantaloons and that was him done. DS2 (NT) was a couple of weeks shy of 3, so almost an entire years difference between them. I let them get on with it; let them pick some fancy pants, buy a potty/ a loo seat insert and they'll get there.

I hate, hate when other parents/relatives get competitive over this. Not once in my 34 years have I been asked "did you potty train before 2.5 years? If not I'm afraid you won't be right for this job". It's ludicrous; they can't physically do it til they're ready. All the pushing and cajoling in the world won't force it.

My DD1 was awful, didn't get rewards either and turned out there were ither issues going on. If he's being assessed for ASD I would definitely want to wait until I was more sure of how he was presenting and could support him in a more directed way.

Sympathies on the dad thing my DD2 told my dad she was going to do a poo at about 2 when she was doing really well occasionally asking to wee on the potty, he took her nappy off and put her on the toilet without asking her, terrified her and she hasn't done even a wee on the potty since!

He was really pleased with himself too! Um, NO!

My NT DD was well over three when she trained, and it was hard going. I'd rather be changing nappies than cleaning up endless accidents TBH. My niece took even longer.

If your son has suspected ASD and doesn't "get" rewards and incentives, and has no apparent desire to learn or use the potty, then just leave it.

Speak to your dad when it's not the heat of the moment and tel him you don't want to hear any more.

Yanbu. There is no point trying to toilet train a child who is not ready. It will come with time. My dc is 3.5 years and not toilet trained. The world and it's mother have tried to make me feel like a "terrible mother" about it, but I refuse to get flustered. Dc will do it when they are ready.

The arrival of a dc2 has also probably delayed dc1's desire to be toilet trained.

Sgoinneil - that was where i went wrong with dd. Decided after much pressure/advice/nagging that i should try and get her potty trained before ds was born. So i started potty training at 35 wks pg. It was a disaster. So many people said - "oh no u dont want two in nappies at the same time." I now totally disagree. It would have been so much easier to have two in nappies than continually abandoning ds mid feed/ trying to settle for a nap/ bath time to sort out a toddler in the middle of pooing on the carpet! i also couldve done without the stress in my last few weeks of pregnancy, and as i said it was a full year later dd finally got it sussed properly.

Potty training a speech delayed ASD child is not comparable to regular potty training. I've done both. DS1 took 2 years to be reliably dry during the day - we started at 2.5 due to family pressure even though we suspected ASD at that stage. It was stupid of us. He hadn't a clue, didn't understand star charts or anything like that, and wasn't bothered by wet pants. I wish I had had the confidence to just leave it until he was ready. People assume that what worked with their NT child should work with your child too but it's a different ball game.

It might be helpful to lay of it for a bit and wait for the warm weather. If you have a garden you can then take his nappy off and let him go around with naked bum - he will then have a better concept of what is happening when he gets that sensation, and make jhe connection.

Standing back from it for a bit will give you all a break and take some of the tension out of it.

One of my DGSs was nearly 4 before he got it - he is fine now.

DS is 4 1/2 and he now will wee in the toilet and is in pants during the daytime, but it's still a fight to try and get him to poo anywhere except his pull-up. He'll hold on until bedtime if I try and get him to poo in the toilet. Even during the day I have to physically take him to the toilet (watching for the pee dance!), I think he's actually just quite lazy about it and doesn't want to stop what he is doing.

Have you tried (are you fed up with hearing that yet?)...a toilet seat cover. Dont bother with a potty. Take him with you when you go. When you finish ask him if he needs to go, then you both wash your hands.
No rewards or stars. Its just a normal everyday thing we do. When he does condescend to sit on it, praise him for being a big boy.

This is a posh one;
www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/sp+prince-lionheart-weepod-toilet-trainer-in-potty-training+d4068?gclid=CI2K3c2JiswCFTUz0wodPxkF1w

Hi op just wanted to add my experience at the moment for you. My Ds2 is 3 but will be 4 in June he is still in nappies and no where near ready to potty train. He has severe speech and language delay and doesn't understand. We have also nearly finished our asd assessment and will get our diagnosis very soon. We have a potty in the room, bathroom and bedroom, we get him to sit on these when he's running around bare bummed but we don't push the issue. We have been told by the phsycologist, occupational therapist, peadiatrics, health visitor and speech and language not to push it he will do it when ready or when he's got enough bladder control for interval training. My ds1 is NT and did everything on time or early but is don't complain. In the nicest way your family do not have qualifications in child delevopment and don't know you Ds like you do, so they mean well but are just putting more stress on you.
It's hard but you need to get a reply in your head and repeat it with authority every time they bring it up.
Something like " I know you mean well, but you are not helping. We have other parts of development to meet first before Ds can manage potty training. I know you mean well but you are not helping and you are stressing me out more."
Or " I forgot when did you go to university to study child development, because I must tell all the proffessionals they've got it so wrong."
Or " Ds is not ready, now I'd appreciate it if you keep your opinions to yourself in future".
Really depends what approach you want to take .
Good luck

But is don't complain= but I don't compare
You=your
Sorry for the mistakes typing on my phone while doing kids breakfast

Ah OP I know just how you feel!

My DS was 3.7 when he was finally potty trained and it literally happened in the space of 5 days - he even refused a pull up at night and now at 4 and a few months has never wet the bed. Prior to this, he appeared to have no interest whatsoever and didn't seem cognitively aware of exactly what we were trying to explain. He has a moderate speech delay and a few 'quirks' but no other SN have been identified at assessment as of yet.

He is also a very large boy for his age, so the amounts of funny looks and comments we got were horrible.I did feel a lot of pressure,with 'well-meaning' friends and relatives even posting potty training tips on my Facebook wall (didn't handle that with the greatest amount of dignity) but as lazy as it sounds I knew when I tried earlier it was pointless so I waited. He pretty much trained himself if I'm honest,and went straight to the toilet instead of the potty.

TBH I think if others are so fascinated about the exact method your child uses to relieve himself, that says a lot more about them then it does your child or your parenting.

Do what is right for you and your family, it is really not worth stressing yourselves out for other people.

My ds was about 4 when he was ready. He just wasn't interested. Smart enough kid, learned addition at 2. But not nappy control.
Dd (with coordination issues) is pretty good now. She wanted knickers a few weeks before she turned 3.

Our DS was toilet trained at 3.5 we now know he has ASD and sensory issues.

He never used a potty (he didn't see the point and said that we never use it so doesn't see why he should have to - fair point!) so we bought a trainer seat to go on the toilet and he gradually got the hang of it.

I used to cry after many many comments from family including MIL who would go on about how DH was potty trained at 18 months and just to get on with it etc. Also not helped by SIL having a child of similar age who was toilet trained sooner.

For the sake of your sanity and both of your mental wellbeing do try and remove the pressure. Try and wait a little longer until he's ready. When my DS was ready he actually got the hang of it pretty quickly.