This could be long.
My friend (S) lives 200miles away. We've known each 12 years. She has a 7 month old DD, I have 3 month old DS.
She's just wrung me in tears, her partner (P) is annoyed with her due to the state of the house. To be fair, it's a tip. I'm 200miles away but I know this because it's always a tip- at uni I refused to live with her at uni due to how bad she is (empty wardrobes, drawers and shelves as all clothes are on the floor, a small walk way from front door to kitchen etc. She admits she's messy and as can be expected has got worse since she had DD.
We are very different people and conduct some aspects of our lives very differently, which I am aware can make me come across here as judgy- I don't judge her choices in RL, we've learned to accept and understand these differences of approach over the years.
One of the things she admits she really likes about her DP is that he earns a lot of money. She says he's also a nice guy and good dad, I've only met him a handful of times, he seems nice. They have fought in the past about the mess but this time he's really upset her- partially because the health visitor has also expressed concerns.
Things she's told me that are upsetting her/ concerning:
DD spends all floor time in a small play pen/ travel cot due to the mess.
HV is concerned about the mess.
S says she is finding weaning really hard as DD 'takes forever to eat' and 'baby food is really expensive'.
P says she has too much stuff and needs o throw things out. (she agrees with this but struggles to find time).
P doesn't understand why S needs a break from DD, nor does he understand why she can't clear out her things during the day.
P is spending long hours at work - there doesn't appear to be a reason.
P hasn't slept in the same bed as S since she became pregnant, they do have sex but no other intimacy. He says this is due to him not sleeping well.
S doesn't understand why, when P is getting 7 hours sleep a night he is still tired.
S does all night wakings.
Most cooking and housework is equally split, though S admits neither do much and they eat a lot of ready meals.
P hasn't spent a whole day alone with DD, and is unwilling to.
She's distraught. Doesn't know what to do.
As well as listening to her I've made some suggestions and told her some harsh realities.
I've suggested:
Baby-led weaning to remove the stress of her feeling like she has to get DD to eat a certain amount. Not sure how practical this is as they rely a lot on pre-made baby food.
That P takes DD to his parents (1.5hours away) for the day whilst she has a clear out- getting a skip is possible (P won't take things to the tip in his car and she doesn't drive).
That they talk about the intimacy issues and reinstate things such as cuddling, kissing, touching
Getting a cleaner (they can afford it)
Suggesting P sees a GP re his sleep (and possible depression).
That P spends more alone time with DD, for their relationship, for him to see how emotionally tiring looking after a child is and to give S a break.
Harsh truths I've told her (lovingly):
(I'm a social worker) a messy house an be indicative of neglect- I'm aware she does not neglect DD but other professionals only have a limited amount of info to make that judgement and the state of her house will be a concern to her.
That it is very difficult for a messy house to be clean (she keeps says 'but it's clean'- it isn't).
That she is lazy - she admits that DD has 2 x 2 hour naps daily, S does no housework in this time, I've suggested she has a 30min break, does 1 hour housework and then a 30 min break before DD wakes up.
That as DD gets older she is going to need space to learn to crawl and can't be kept in the playpen.
That P needs to do more parenting.
Have I been horrible? Can you think of anything else I can suggest?
They moved just before S got pregnant for P's job so she has no family near by and few friends- all friends are recent and not close.
S is reliant on P- he owns the house, earns 4 times more than her and she has no assets/ savings. They are not married.