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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL, & facebook, & DH

48 replies

FaceAcheProblems · 12/04/2016 12:28

I've suspected for a while that MIL doesn't really like me, DH denies there's a problem, but sometimes, you just know. Anyway I put some pictures up on FB of a day out with DD, most people liked the post but MIL went into each picture individually and liked all the ones that didn't have me with DD in, leaving two photos off. And it pissed me off. So I made a comment under one of them saying Oh, you didn't like this one MIL?' tagging her and putting a smiley face (I know. I KNOW. It had been a long day).

anyway she then went in and liked the photo and made a comment that she must have missed those ones. I thought no more of it. This was Sunday. Today she's phoned my husband all upset apparently that I am so angry at her, has she done something to upset me? And of course DH phones me to tell me off for picking on his mother. I don't know why she wasn't upset yesterday - except she knew DH was working from home yesterday and we would have been able to chat about it straight away - she's only been able to feel upset about it today when he's out on the road...

Possibly I am because it's a MIL thing and probably I am as it's to do with Facebook... so AIBU or would this whole thing piss you off too?

OP posts:

chunkymum1 · 12/04/2016 13:43

Definitely don't have her as a friend on facebook. If she mentions it to DH or asks why I'd act the innocent and say that it's too easy for comments there to be misinterpreted and has obviously caused her some upset, which you're keen to avoid.

I get on reasonably well with my MIL but she loves to be centre of attention and will often call DH with some imagined upset (sometimes apparently caused by me but not always). It's always when we've had some other crisis or event that's taken attention away from her (new baby, bereavement on my side, new job, holiday, illness etc). One of the main reasons I'm not on facebook is because I know she'd do the 'what have I done to upset Chunky' thing if I didn't have her as a friend, but if she saw that we were doing anything that didn't involve her there would be more tears/snippy comments. My DH maintains that MIL is just very sensitive. I've sometimes considered copying her and pretending to be all upset whenever she says insensitive things about me and my family/friends (frequently) but that would involve time and energy that I don't want to waste. I prefer to just keep her distant. I am not above sarcastically (and ever so lightheartedly and not at all passively aggressively) mentioning to DH how 'sensitive' MIL is when she demonstrates the opposite.

Tiggywinkler · 12/04/2016 13:44

Bloods vs. Outsiders

In all my wedding pictures, MIL somehow managed to get her big, sunglasses-clad face in between mine and my DHs. Even in the group shot, taken on steps, she stood directly behind us then crouched down so her face appears between ours. Madness!

NoMoreGrimble · 12/04/2016 13:53

Ha, have you ever been offered a face lift by your MIL? I have and not just once!

shovetheholly · 12/04/2016 14:01

Tiggy - that made me laugh, but God it must be frustrating. Grimble! At least she sees you as a grown up. Mine asks me every year what 'Father Christmas' is going to bring me and she is not even kidding.

sephineee · 12/04/2016 14:10

Its constantly pointed out to me that SIL is thinner. I'm a perfectly normal size 10 by the way - just not a 5ft petite woman like SIL.

Makes you twisted because now I'm glad SIL hasn't lost all her pg weight despite trying very hard which is very mean as it's not SIL's fault MIL and FIL are body fascists.

SuperMumNot · 12/04/2016 14:12

Tatty & others - I get this.
My inlaws also chose their 'souvenir' photo of DH & I's wedding - a one which was of DH/ his parents and siblings, but didn't include me!
I didn't even know it had been taken - one of my family told me that FIL chased the photographer as he was leaving and told him to take it

Tiggywinkler · 12/04/2016 14:24

ShoveTheHolly - yup, so frustrating. All my pregnancy-yoga breathing exercises come in handy where she's concerned. It's truly more exhausting managing her behaviour than it is my toddler's!

ItGoesWithoutSaying · 12/04/2016 14:25

In the early years of our marriage my DM was horrible about my DH (doing the photo thing) which used to upset me as, apart from being a bit socially awkward and not having exactly the same opinions as her on everything, he'd given her no cause.

I married quite a few years before my siblings. When they did marry one picked a woman who cheated on him with a colleague within 18 months - leading to a messy divorce. The other a man who has made it clear he can't stand her and her interfering ways.

I think she's come round to DH a bit!

BettyBi0 · 12/04/2016 14:26

YABU sorry. Some people are just plain toxic but maybe after 15 years of subtle digs and headfu**ery from her you've lost your perspective a little.

You might not be able to do anything about the fact that your MIL is in your life but you can do things to make it more on your terms. Eg only give her limited profile access and try and develop strong boundaries and limits about stuff you agree to where she is concerned.

Caprinihahahaha · 12/04/2016 14:30

It wasn't your finest hour tbh.

No one comes out of this looking very good but if I had done a passive aggressive post and smiley face I'd be feeling pretty stupid right now. Awful.

WonderingAspie · 12/04/2016 14:39

YANBU. It's obvious that this has tipped you over the edge. Some people think stuff like this over FB is petty but I think it's a sign of how underhanded they can be. I have a 'friend' who won't like or comment on anything of mine that involves DS (she really seems to have a problem with him) but she will like photos of DD. She is on FB all the time and will like and comment on every mundane thing that 2 other friends put and I mean everything (and there is a lot!) But nothing on mine. It's a sign of what they really think of you, which is exactly what your MIL has done.

I didn't know my MIL had organised a family photo on my wedding day, without me in it. The photographer was a family member of mine. When I was going through the photos with him, I asked him what it was and he said she had asked! Cheeky cow. And we made a point of having photos done with all parts of both families.

bloods vs outsiders!!! Wow I have never heard of that! I met my brothers GF recently for the first time, all I could think was how lovely she was and what a good SIL she would make . Blood means sod all these days!

diddl · 12/04/2016 14:58

She does seem to have outsmarted you there!

Your husband's daft though.

Should have just told his mum not to be so silly, that of course you wouldn't get angry over FB pics.

Why don't you tell them both that?

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 12/04/2016 15:02

elevated her to sainthood in DH eyes so no one can ever criticise her - he'd never tel her off

There is your real problem: in a problem between his wife and his mother, your dh picks his mother. Not cool dude, not cool.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2016 15:07

We have teams for the annual Christmas day Trivial Pursuit game - 'bloods' v 'outsiders'. God, I wish I had known about this twenty years ago. The Outsiders would have MURDERED The Bloods in my exH's family.

PixieChops · 12/04/2016 15:21

I had a few issues with an over sensitive MIL- making snippy comments, she told DH she didn't want to follow me anymore because I'd put a status up about my own mum helping me and she didn't like it (though she hadn't done anything to help at the time not that I was bothered but I did want to show appreciation for my own mum) along with a couple of other little remarks. In the end I blocked her. It's been quite nice! She's not once asked me either why she's blocked but if she did I'd just tell her that it's easier that way so she doesn't see anything that could upset her.

Lordamighty · 12/04/2016 15:30

bloods v outsiders is just hilarious. Are they blue bloods, members of the Royal family? I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face on hearing that gem.

Original poster

FaceAcheProblems · 12/04/2016 15:52

Point taken Caprinihahahaha (in my defence smileys and emoticons are the standard for discourse from MIL though..!)

Bloods vs outsiders - dear god.

OP posts:

Blatherskite · 13/04/2016 13:58

Oh don't worry MrsTerryPratchett, we beat them every time

Ohsotired123 · 13/04/2016 15:05

YANBU. Obviously there is more we don't know about your relationship. If she liked you, was fond of you and had a good relationship with you there is no reason why she'd go through the pictures and like only the ones of your DD and not you together. The fact she called your husband up a day later? What is it with mil and their little boys?!? Facebook is often used in a calculated way. Things that are shared, inuendos etc.

My SIL does this a lot on Facebook. She used to like everything i put on there, or comment, everything!. Then I got pregnant and she deafed us out for 6 months and stopped any contact at all on Facebook. She's a horrible bitch anyway but now she ignores everythibg on Facebook but only likes pictures of my DD, if they don't have me in it!! She's clearly doing ur deliberately and it's pathetic. But unlike you I'd NEVER mention this to her because it will give her a sense of power and make her feel great that she's irritating me.

People always say Facebook is the issue, nah, it's the people that use it with the issue.

TimeToMuskUp · 13/04/2016 15:23

YANBU, Facebook can be awful at times, super-shitty when MILs get on there. Mine added every single person on my friends list at one point. I mean everyone; folk I worked with 10 years ago, folk I went to Uni with, family abroad she's never heard of/met, Mum friends from baby groups. So many times I've had someone message me saying "X has just friend requested me, is she anything to do with you as you're the only mutual friend we have?" and I have to explain that she's batshit. I once wrote a happy birthday message on an exes wall on there, she commented on it "how do you know this one then?" and it was then that DH acknowledged she may have problems.

The sun still shines out of her arse though, the way he talks about her you'd think she floated about on clouds like Mother Mary herself. She's an actual devil woman.

ollieplimsoles · 13/04/2016 15:28

And of course DH phones me to tell me off for picking on his mother.

^Theres your problem right there op..

Tatty Mine has that too! It was a photo of me, dh and bil near the wedding car and she cut me off it, then acted like it was no big deal, she said 'I asked the photographer to take one of just my boys but he wouldn't do it!' hahaha

Mummydearest85 · 13/04/2016 16:23

I'm with you OP. My MIL and I have a 'gritted teeth' relationship. She liked me for 8 years, until DH proposed. Then she called an 'emergency family meeting' between DH, FIL and herself. Although I've never found out the full details of the meeting, I gather it was something along the lines of "she's a gold digger, she only wants your money" (He's not even rich!) and "you'll be divorced in less than a year"! (We've done 7 years married so far) DH basically told her he was going to marry me anyway. That's when it all started. I had taken her baby boy! At the tender age of 35! From there we've had dramatic tears at the wedding (where she went around telling anyone who would listen that we'll be divorced in less than a year) then the birth of our first child. "You're holding her all wrong" "You're STILL breastfeeding?! She's 4 months old, she's too old for breast now"! Etc etc. We now grit our teeth and get through our meetings amicably for the sake of my DH and DC. So glad she's not on FB!

Pixienott0005 · 18/04/2016 14:08

She's very manipulative by the sounds of it and you played right into that one.

She probably senses some tension on your part and knew by liking some pics but not others would wind you up a treat.

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