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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know it's stupid, but this has really pissed me off.

64 replies

Obliviated · 12/04/2016 09:49

DP got a new laptop for Christmas, today I text him and asked him if I could use it as mine is broken, he says of course I can and sends me the password - his ex girlfriends name. I text him back saying 'are you fucking kidding me?' and he called straight away to say it's an old password that he's always been able to remember. Lovely.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 12/04/2016 10:15

Please tell me you're at least considering starting to use different passwords on your critical systems, sepa? Sad

(Sorry to go off-topic, OP.)

DurhamDurham · 12/04/2016 10:16

I think this would upset me, but that might be because we've been together for almost 25 years and if he hadn't got around to changing passwords in all this time I'd be worried about our online security.

I don't blame you for being upset and now that he knows you are upset he should change it (and he shouldn't use the same password for everything anyway) but I don't think he meant anything by it. He wasn't trying to hide anything as he was happy for you to use his laptop.

kinkytoes · 12/04/2016 10:17

One of my passwords is the name of a hotel I stayed with an ex in. My current DP knows and is OK with it. You'd have bigger problems if he wasn't willing to share his passwords imo.

QuimReaper · 12/04/2016 10:35

This would upset me, but

When DP and I first met he was still majorly hung up on his ex and clinging to the relationship, and without going into it, it caused immense problems and was really very hard. It's meant that after going through all that, I consider him to have a lot less benefit of the doubt with things like this; if I found out he was using her name as a password, even though I would believe the explanation about it just being his go-to memorable password / a faff to change, I would be unreasonable about it.

But

I have never weaponised my own past relationships against him, so would defend my own right to use an ex's name as a password (not that I do, but if I did it really wouldn't mean anything), and expect him to be reasonable about it.

So shoot me Grin

The point is that I don't think it's necessarily a crime, but depending on the circumstances it might be insensitive.

Honestly though OP, "of course you can darling! The password is Sarah23" is a very open response, and especially followed by the phone call, it doesn't sound like he even really registers the password as anything more than a word. I'd give him a pass on this one.

yumyumpoppycat · 12/04/2016 10:36

Thats a really good point others have made it would be way too obvious if he used your name - also he is sharing it with you so obviously not some guilty secret.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 12/04/2016 10:36

I'd be furious too.

It's incredibly disrespectful. The ONLY thing he can remember for a password is his ex girlfriends name? Really?!

IF it was on a laptop pre dating you I'd still be pissed off, but accept he'd just not got around to changing it. But for fucksake, a laptop he got for Christmas is really unacceptable.

It's nothing like an old street address, dead pet etc.

However, in his favour, he had no issue with you using his laptop & presumably being able to see his emails, Facebook, etc and he didn't even think twice texting you his password, IE clearly didn't associate it with any emotion re his ex or he'd probably have phoned you or apologised by text etc as he seems nice and seems like he cares about how you feel given how quickly he phoned you after your text.

You know him, we don't. Do you think he's really over her or is there some lingering doubts about it!?

I'd be hurt & furious too...but hopefully he's just a thoughtless git with the brain of a gnat who will come home with a bunch of flowers and a sincere apology for being such a tit.

yumyumpoppycat · 12/04/2016 10:37

yes as quim says his response makes him sound quite decent.

AugustaFinkNottle · 12/04/2016 10:38

shockyanbu! So he can't remember your name then? How disrespectful to you

To be fair, it would be daft to use OP's name, that would make it very easy to hack. I sort of sympathise with him - way back in the dark ages, I used dd's hamster's name as a password and I've used it ever since though the hamster is long deceased (but I do now tart it up with numbers and non-alphanumeric symbols). And your DP may have started using the ex's name as a password a long time ago, and rather than try to remember different passwords for different sites he may just reckon it's simpler to stick with that.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 12/04/2016 10:40

I'd be hurt & furious too...but hopefully he's just a thoughtless git with the brain of a gnat who will come home with a bunch of flowers and a sincere apology for being such a tit

wow, high maintenance much? What would he need to do if he had actually done anything at all to you...give you a kidney and the worlds biggest diamond?

BluePancakes · 12/04/2016 10:41

ElderlyKoreanLady DPhil is a thing - it stands for Doctor of Philosophy (same as PhD).

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 12/04/2016 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Obliviated · 12/04/2016 10:54

We've been together for a lot longer than he's had the laptop. Lazy sod probably couldn't be bothered to think up something new. I would have been suspicious if he has stalled with his password (as it is, I've just flicked through his history and it almost sent me to sleep. Nothing remotely interesting in there.) He's never given me a reason to think I can't trust him, so after the initial wtf moment I've stopped being so pissed off. I've changed his password though, to 'disrespectfuldickhead'

OP posts:
SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 12/04/2016 10:56

He'll probably change it to "mygirlfriendisanunreasonablebitch"

Original poster
Obliviated · 12/04/2016 10:58

He would never refer to me as a bitch. He might change it too 'rememberwhobringsyouteainbed' though, or something jokey. He won't be offended.

OP posts:
Lindt70Percent · 12/04/2016 11:06

I wouldn't read anything into it. I think people get used to a certain password and then just continue to use it.

When I started University we were all asked to write down a password for the University system. Say my name is Linda and I had a boyfriend at the time called Adam (neither true) then my password I wrote down was linda4ad. My handwriting was read incorrectly and the password ended up being l1nda4ad which was quite a secure password. I had an acrimonious split with the boyfriend at the end of University but continued to use the same password for another 20 years until I discovered PassPack and started using a different password for everything.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 12/04/2016 11:14

He won't be offended by you calling him a dickhead, a lazy sod, and ranting swearing at him? I guess he's just used to your abuse then.

If this was a woman posting that her partner found out she used an old boyfriends name as a password, and had a go at her, stalked her internet history, called her names, was furious and called her a disrespectful dickhead, there would be a crowd of LTB'ers a mile deep.
It's not ok just because he's a man.

Original poster
Obliviated · 12/04/2016 11:27

I'm not sure 'are you fucking kidding me' counts as abuse. And there was no ranting.

I think he'll survive.

OP posts:
Chasethechaser · 12/04/2016 11:30

I have three passwords as exs name Shock

Can't say I'd ever thought about it

shovetheholly · 12/04/2016 11:30

"I''m not sure 'are you fucking kidding me' counts as abuse."

THIS!

And a bit of ranting would be quite normal and justified in the circs too. Grin

Lighteningirll · 12/04/2016 11:32

My dh would probably do something this carelessly stupid and would laugh and take it as meant if i changed his password to iamacunt/disrepectfuldickhead I think you sound like you have a great relationship

HazelBite · 12/04/2016 11:33

Complete over reaction IMO. My passwords include the address of the house I lived in when I was 4, the names of several (now deceased) pets my surname from my first marriage (30odd years since) in fact passwords that it would be difficult to crack.
If he had your name or a combination of your Dc's name or the dog/cat's name wouldn't that be a bit obvious. You know his ex's name but how many would be hackers would know it?

BoatyMcBoat · 12/04/2016 11:34

Well, it's a darn sight more secure than using your name, dob, children's names or dobs, etc.

I think you're being oversensitive.

AddictedtoGreys · 12/04/2016 11:37
Shock
Original poster
Obliviated · 12/04/2016 11:42

Of course I was being over sensitive, I said that it the thread title. It was a knee jerk reaction. It's not caused us any arguments or anything, just a jokey password change. He's not long got back (he had a circumcision on Saturday that went horribly wrong, and only nipped into work to pick up an encrypted laptop to work at home on).

He can't work out his new password. I've been giving him clues.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 12/04/2016 11:42

Hmmm I'm on the fence with this one.

I have a password I use, which is a fairly long term one, which is a combination of letters and numbers so pretty hard to crack but that is basically my husband's name.

If we were to divorce, unless it was very acrimonious, I may well use it on a laptop as an easy to remember go-to password (though in the event of a divorce it's fair to say I'd probably change it on a lot of things, as DH knows it!)

It wouldn't be for any emotional reason, but a practical one. Passwords are an absolute pain in the arse.