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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry I'll lose the bond with my son when he goes to hursery

14 replies

misswrite89 · 12/04/2016 08:40

DS is 6 months. We've had the most amazing maternity leave so far, I'm massively enjoying every single day of motherhood. I feel so close to my son, we have such an incredible bond and I feel very lucky.

When he is 9 months, I'm going back to work and he is going to full time nursery. I've been to see the nursery and I'm really happy with it, it's lovely and very clean etc.

I feel as though I can manage going back to work, I will obviously miss DS and would prefer to be home with him but I will be alright. I'm just concerned it's going to affect our bond, we are so close and I'm worried if he's away from me for 8 hours everyday he might not feel as close to me.

It's not an option for me not to go back to work, I earn more than DH and we wouldn't be able to meet our bills. Also, we can't afford for DH to leave and be a SAHD. Part time isn't really an option either although we might just be able to make things work if I dropped down to 4 days although it would be incredibly tight and we wouldn't be able to save for our next baby. Compressed hours are an option 8-6 over 4 days but I feel like I would hardly see DS over those 4 days and think 8-4 over 5 days would be better.

AIBU to think that our bond will not be as strong once he goes to nursery or can you still be incredibly close despite the reduction in time spent together?

OP posts:

Solasum · 12/04/2016 08:51

I think it really depends on the child. My DS is now 2, and has been at nursery part time since 3 months and more or less full time from a year. We have a lovely bond, and is happy and relaxed at nursery. I changed jobs so I am now working 8.30-4.30 so I do most drop offs and pickups, and really enjoy the walk and chat. He then gets undivided attention until a fairly late bedtime at 8pm. My friend has a little girl who is very very clingy to her mother when they are together, and cries if she is left even for a minute, even though she is in nursery all week. If she were mine I would have stopped working.

mummymeister · 12/04/2016 08:55

There's not a parent who doesn't worry that with every new phase somehow their bond with their child will be diminished. its going to nursery for you now, but then it will be school, senior school, uni it just goes on and on. Its not the quantity of the time its the quality of it. and, it is the same whether you have one child or more just harder with more than one to make individual time for each of them. if you have options talk to your employer and ask if you can explore which of them works best for you.

icklekid · 12/04/2016 08:56

You will still be close although in your situation I think an extra day just the 2 of you would be really appreciated. The extra couple of hours each day over 4 days you won't notice as much but you would then have 3 days a week together!

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 12/04/2016 08:56

You won't. There is more to being a mum than daytime care. Please do not beat yourself up over this.

RoboticSealpup · 12/04/2016 10:58

I know how you feel, but 8-4 doesn't sound so bad actually. DD is 17m and I haven't found a job yet but being able to go in early and finish early, and not having a really long commute are priorities for me.

liquidrevolution · 12/04/2016 11:08

DD is 21 months and has been at nursery/childminder (we do 2 days of each) since 8 months. We have Fridays off together. I love walking her to the Childminder now the mornings are light, nursery is a car journey but we leave early and go and talk to the animals before we go in. We always lunch out on Friday. We dont start the bedtime routine untill 7pm so there is some time after she comes back from nursery/CM at 5.30.

Perhaps you should organise an activity you can do with DS on your own over the weekend so you get your time alone with him. Because I have Friday off DH usually spends part of Saturday out with DD. I get a break and he gets alone time with her. Seems to work well. This does not stop me worrying or missing her.

Also please bear in mind that your son will soon be at my DDs age and she is bloody hard work. Escaping to work keeps me sane!

teacherlikesapples · 12/04/2016 11:15

Is there any possibility of starting out on 4 days a week, then switching to 5 after a while? 3 whole days together while he is so young will be gold for you both :)
As far as knowing if it will change the bond, it is really hard to say. It is going to depend on your child, the nursery, and the other aspects of your life, as a lot will change once you go back to work.

There are some things that will help him to settle quickly & thrive though- will he have a primary caregiver in the setting? Is the overall group size small (10 or less babies) Good ratios (ideally 1:3) All of these factors make a huge impact on the overall quality of the setting for babies this young, as well as staff team stability & qualifications. A high quality setting will give you the confidence to leave him and know he is being well cared for.

splendide · 12/04/2016 11:19

You'll be fine honestly. I work full time, DS does 2 days at nursery and the rest with DH. We still have a lovely bond. I pick him up from nursery and we have all evening - we eat dinner together I bathe him and put him to bed. It's hard sometimes but I have to work and I don't feel our bond is any less.

motherigloo · 12/04/2016 11:22

I went back to work wen my DS was 8 months old. It was tough at first but I love my job and it was what I wanted to do.

I did 4 days, I had a Wednesday off and it was a welcome break for us both and helped ease us into the routine. It was ideal at first.

Then after a few months when he turned 1 I went full time. It's been totally fine. I work 8-4 and feel like we have some good quality time together between 4:30 - 6:30 and it really is good quality time because I haven't seen him all day.

Our bond has not been affected at all. He is still very attached to myself and DH. He is happy as anything at nursery as he's very sociable and he's always happy when I go to pick him up, but when he sees me his face lights up. He's very pleased to see me!

I would suggest doing 4 days a week for a short time, and then either compressed hours or going full time. In some ways I'd rather work till 6 every night and have a day off, especially in the winter when it's dark by 4:30 anyway! But in the summer if I can get away by 4, we can play in the park for an hour before tea which is truly lovely. So it's swings and roundabouts!

MyLocal · 12/04/2016 11:29

Dare I say "get a grip" ... Of course you won't lose the bond. I had no option but to work full time with both mine and they went to nursery at 20 weeks old.

They are now 22 and 19 and we speak every day, see each other nearly every weekend, they hug me and tell me they love me all the time, lie on my bed and watch TV with me still, tell me all their gossip, share their worries and still ask for my support, often.

Nothing has changed.

LovelyBranches · 12/04/2016 11:40

I feel your pain. I was in your shoes last September. I was devastated about going back to work and hadn't ever been away from my baby. I was also breastfeeding and had to quickly day wean him as he wouldn't take a bottle.

The truth for me.....I miss him so much, but I feel like I've never left work. It's very hard at times, there have been weeks where ds has barely slept and I've felt like the walking dead. Dh and I have been more ill than ever before thanks to all these new nursery bugs and childcare isn't always perfect, sometimes they let him sleep too long, sometimes he has had food I wouldn't have chosen and sometimes his key worker has been too full on, kissing him on the lips and not leaving him alone.

Yet, despite all that, it's ok. I would still prefer to be home but I enjoy my job. My dm has ds for a day and they have developed a strong bond, ds has done things I wouldn't have necessarily done with him (messy play with jelly and oats ) and enjoyed the experience, he has made little friends at nursery and he seems to enjoy it.

It's tough getting home, getting dinner done, bathing, putting ds to bed and there's always something that needs to be done, but the one thing that hasn't weakened is the bond with my son.

Good luck

HerdOfRhino · 12/04/2016 22:08

I think it's natural to be worried, but I don't think it's possible to lose the bond between you just by using a nursery.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 12/04/2016 22:12

I think every mum worries about this. Whether it's now at nursery or in a few years when he starts school. Your bond is an emotional one so some physical distance in the day won't change that.

woodwaj · 12/04/2016 22:24

I went back to work 5 weeks ago and I'm currently beating myself up about it. He goes to my mums and he loves it. He's has that much fun he's a nightmare at home because he's exhausted. I get 2.5 hours with him before bed time and it's hard work. I live for the weekends!!

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