To wish my family would button it on this one?

[Spudlet]

DS is 15 weeks old, and I'm planning on taking a full year of mat leave. So I actually do have a fair bit of time to consider this and don't have to make any immediate decisions.

However, my whole family - DM, DGM, aunties, uncles - keep lecturing me about how I surely won't be able to bear to go back to work, and how could I consider leaving him, and the thought of him going to a nursery makes them feel quite tearful...on and on and on, and it's getting on my nerves!

None of them live close enough to offer childcare help (I wouldn't expect them to, but since they all seem so invested you'd think they might) but they just won't let it drop. You'd think nurseries were little gulags, the way they go on!

Not much I can say that won't cause more trouble than it's worth, my plan is actually to request some form of part time arrangement, but I need to rant about this. DH is supportive but doesn't really get it, as amazingly, nobody seems to expect him to chuck a whole career away

Catewood21 could you explain why you feel like that?

At DD's nursery when she was one they had very good staff: baby ratios in the baby group, and DD tended to be looked after by the same lady (her keyworker) who she's grown very close too.

Both of mine started nursery at around age one. I am giving up work soon, but they will both still be going to nursery! It is a massive expense, but they love it, and both thrive there! Maybe your family see nursery as a bit of a chore for the children, but they are the most fun days my children have every week!

Catewood21 you are talking nonsense. Might not be OK for your baby but was fab for my two. And guess what, they are beautifully mannered, well socialised, caring boys now with no apparent psychological damage at having someone other than their mother hold them during the day!

I didn't work, and put my babies in the nursery. I had bad PND. There are some bad nurseries and some good. I would suggest shopping around and getting a vibe.
My children turned out ok. It got to a point where my two eldest would just grab their bags, walk in ready to play and leave me at the front door because they enjoyed it so much!
They are fairly independent (the two eldest age 9 and 11). When my eldest went to nursery he was better cared for thanat the child minder!
Plus they do stuff (messy play, jelly play) that I would do at home!
Do what you need to do. Ignore everyone else!

I gave birth to DS1 in 1981, mat leave was not very generous then and as DH was self employed I returned to work.
Well it wasn't the norm then and boy was I criticised. My only option due to my hours was a Nanny, she actually spent more time with my son and paid him far more attention than I ever would have done had I been home, he really did not "suffer".
It is your own business what you do, don't let it affect you they will soon find something else to comment on.
Incidentally I was unable to continue in my job after being back for several months (various reasons) and was then criticised by all and sundry for giving up my career!

Nurseries are fine for babies ffs. Like anything there are good and bad ones.

I can't believe we're even having this discussion in 2016! Ime some women find it hard going back to work and some women positively skip out the door. Same for men.

For me, planned time with my dc is so much nicer than obligated time and the associated drudgery. So that's what I do now. And I've been a sahm, wohm, wfhm, working away mum and used nurseries, nannies and au pairs at various times so I can genuinely say I've tried almost all variants - not that it matters. You do what's right for you :)

Have confidence in your judgement.

Your family need to butt out even well meaning advice can be too much espescially if a few people are giving it.

Go with your heart, 1st child i loved working and studying and she went to granny then childminder then nursery, 2nd child sahm and full time carer.

Neither choice is better than the other both worked well for me at that stage in my life.

We all live such different lives with different mindsets and budgets so look at your whole picture but then go with your heart.

Ime heart trumps head as i place a massive emphasis in being relaxed and feeling better about myself (to keep depression at bay) and the times i made head decisions something has been lacking.

If you feel happier at work do it, if you feel happier at home do it.

Either way you will make it work because you want it to and a happier parent means a happier child.

I returned to work when by DS was 10 months. I did use my leave to go part time for three months but am now back full time. He loves nursery and puts his arms out to the nursery nurses every morning 😀. He has a great time doing all sorts of exciting activities he wouldn't with me and playing with other children. He eats eats and sleeps well when he is there and is a happy boy when I pick him up.

I was sooooo ready to go back to work. I get to work at a job I find really satisfying (part time didn't work with my role either and I found it much more stressful), I can pay the bills and love the time I get to spend with him. I did my homework and visited a lot of nurseries and looked at childminders etc. Before choosing the right one. I am now expecting number two and whilst a nanny might be cheaper for two, I will have both of them at the same nursery after my maternity leave.

My mum was initially a bit worried about it as she was a SAHM but now she can see how happy he is everyone has chilled out! Good luck and stuck to your guns. Once you are back they will get over themselves and forget all about it - it will just become the new normal.

Catewood21 I didn't know you were on mumsnet, mum...

I'll start thinking about it soon for sure, and thanks for the tip about looking at options sooner rather than later!

I will formulate a non-aggressive calm response for the next family get-together. I came up with one to respond when asked if we were going to christen him, so sure I can think of one for this too... I just needed this off my chest!

I love DS to distraction and I very much want to have some time at home with him. I want to do the messy stuff, even! But I also want to be able to give him things like going to clubs that my family couldn't afford, and I've worked hard to get a career going and I don't want to abandon it completely. So a compromise is needed.

Obviously what you need to do is only ever talk about the baby. You must not talk about anything else. And talk about the really boring stuff like how many feeds he's had or the contents of his nappy. See if they fancy the next 18 years of you only talking about the baby!

Fwiw I started a new job when my ds was 9 months. Luckily dp and I are both shift workers so can work around each other. I can't tell you how many people said "I don't know how you can leave your baby" or "what do you do with ds then?" I pointed out he has two parents. And that me leaving him to go to work was preferable to struggling financially. And shock horror I actually enjoy my job and adult company as well as loving my son. In todays society it's ridiculous that these questions are still aimed at women. Nobody has ever said to dp "oh how can you stand to leave ds". Unfortunately sexism is still very alive.

Quite tearful is bloody dramatic is it not you could always ask the teary rellies for a whipround every month so you can stay home ignore them or laugh at the dramatics

Just out of interest how do they expect you to eat and keep a roof over your head if you don't work?

I'm lucky - working mothers are the norm in my family, and nobody has questioned my decision to go back to work.

However, I wish people can realise that this is a highly personal decision, and really, judging a new mother for whatever decision she makes (because you get flamed either way), is NOT BLOODY HELPFUL.

What pisses me off even more, is that it is so often women that lead the pack in criticising other women for whatever parenting decisions are made. You breastfeed? BAD. You bottle feed? BAD. You work? BAD. You don't work? BAD.

Your children are going to be miserable because YOU ARE FAILING AS A MOTHER.

WTF. The most important thing is that well loved children with happy parents tend to be happy. And all the other things pale into significance.

I agree its always the mothers in the wrong for whatever mum sahm bit lazy bit indulgent bit lucky dad stays at home he is the second coming

'Oof you are wishing her life away. I don't have to decide for ages yet. Now let's talk about something else.'

Every time.

It's not 'til you have kids that you realise how much we really do still need feminism as a movement!

I'd definitely have at the sexism in their attitudes...

'Why would I find it hard to go back to work? DH hasn't found it that hard?'

'If anyone stayed home with DS then it would be DH as it will be his turn...why are you all looking so surprised?'

catewood - then you haven't been to the right nursery!

We spend so long building careers and it becomes a big part of who we are, I dont want to leave my daughter but I do want to be a good role model, and show her women in business can be successful.

my DM was the same with my DD, despite the fact that she was a working mum for my whole childhood.
telling me that DD would be so sad away from me (she's not), that I would be so sad away from her (yes, I miss her and I do rush to nursery to pick her up, but I also run my own business and on the days I work, I'm far too busy to sit around and mope), that DD would get ignored by the nursery workers (she practically leaps out of my arms to get to them at drop off), that the older kids would bully her (she's totally sociable and loves being around the older ones) etc etc etc

I said to DM she was more than welcome to drive the hour and a half from her house to mine 3 days a week to look after her if she wanted to. she went a bit quiet after that.

OP do what suits you, your DH and your DS best.

As a mother you can never do the right thing.
Want to be sahm then you're a bad role model for your dc's, or classed as entitled or lazy. Want, or more impertinently need, to work you're abandoning dc's and made to feel guilty.These conversations are rarely addressed to dads, it's bloody sexist

Three times I've found the thought of going back to work really hard, three times I've agonised over it, three times I've done it, three times I've been bloody glad I did.

TBH at times I still get grumpy about it- we're about £20 a week better of with us both in work than if one of us was a sahp- but on balance I think it's best for us to both work, for a host of reasons I won't bore you with here. I used a nursery with DS1, a combination of family and nursery with ds2 and ds3 has a childminder. All have been fine (tbh i think childminder has been best but every child is different).

I do resent that work see me as a part timer who doesn't prioritise work enough and that some see me as a crap mum who doesn't prioritise her dc enough and my dh is seen as such a wonderdad if he takes a day off to be with sick dcs but that doesn't make me wondermum, etc etc etc, but whatever. Our way works for us. That's what matters.