To not go to this hen do?

[AngieBolen]

My best friend from high school (lets call her Brenda) is getting married next autumn.
Brenda was my bridesmaid (matron of honour?) and also bridesmaid to a mutual good friend (lets call her Sue)

Soon after she announced her engagement, she also announced (via facebook) that she was excited Sue was going to be her bridesmaid. I was a little put out I hadn't been asked , but Sue chose Brenda to be her DCs Godmother, and they see each other more often these days than I see them; they share taste in music, and so go to gigs together, so I completely understood.

Anyway, we recently got together to plan the hen do. Originally it was just going to be Brenda and Sue planning it, but they invited me along to the village pub that evening as we hadn't seen each other for ages.

Anyway, we started chatting about the hen do.. Brenda never has an opinion on anything. It can be a bit frustrating, but that's how she is. So, Brenda had no opinion or idea about what she wanted to do for her hen do, and after a few drinks I started making suggestions. I suggested Brighton...a spa...etc...everything I suggested was met with a "no" or "Been there, done that". Eventually we hit upon a far away city she had never been to. I got really excited, as I have't been there either. We also set a date. The date was chosen because it was the only weekend in the month before the wedding I was free.

I now have an invitation to a relatives wedding (she, funnily enough, was also one of my bridesmaids). It's unexpected, as I never thought she would get married long story and I am so pleased and thrilled as her fiancee is absolutely lovely. Am I unreasonable to accept the wedding invitation, and blow out Brenda's hen do?

Brace yourself - Brenda might be pissed off that you've backed out of her hen do when she chose the weekend specifically to suit you. But in my opinion it would be more unreasonable to turn down the wedding so try to explain & hope she's understanding.

You might be told that once you accept an invitation, you've got to go, but I think a relatives Wedding trumps a Hen do.

You need to tell Brenda, straight away, though.

She has a right to feel upset, though, especially as she chose the date to suit you.

I think a wedding almost always trumps a hen do. Exception would be if you're a bridesmaid/member of bridal party. I'd go to the wedding.

I think wedding trumps hen do, especially as you aren't a bridesmaid.

Wedding obviously trumps Hen Do but be prepared for a bridezilla moment. One of my sisters best friends didnt attend her wedding as there was a family wedding the same day. Shit happens.

I also agree that a family wedding trumps a hen do & think that you should tell her straight away. Hopefully she'll understand but be prepared if she doesn't.

I've just emailed Brenda the bride, and she's been really nice about it. I feel awful, and shitty about letting her down. But really excited about the family wedding

Don't feel bad-these things happen. I missed a distant family member's wedding to go to a very close friend's wedding (luckily my friend invited me first or it would have been much more awkward).

Can't you change the date of the hen? It doesn't have to be in the month before.

Do you know how to contact where they are staying? Maybe pay for a bottle of champagne for Brenda when they get there? Don't worry; you both sound lovely!

witsender I was hopping Brenda might suggest changing dates, but don't feel I can...ten other people I've never met will have been told the date now, and if it's OK with them, I can hardly insist everything is rearranged to suit me.

I think you're right not to suggest a change of date. It's great your friend has reacted well.

That's a great suggestion by Pottering - arrange for a bottle of champagne to be waiting for them at the venue & you're there in spirit.

Wow - a wedding thread where everyone has behaved like normal, reasonable human beings!
Great idea about the champagne.

Pottering, that's a great idea abut the champagne, thank you.

Ah I see, I hadn't clicked there were other people there.

Sue has very firmly told me I will be missed, so obviously not prepared to change dates!

YABVVVU OP...

...to have sorted this out like an adult, and therefore deprived us all of a good arsey wedding thread.

This thread makes me feel happy. Nice people, being nice to each other and behaving like grown ups.

I agree about sending a bottle of champagne and a nice note to the hen do. Maybe you could FaceTime them as well or something so you can be there in spirit?

Flowers are a nice idea but it might be a pain for Brenda to get them home after the hen do.

Sorry, just realised no one mentioned flowers - not sure why I thought someone had?!

Champagne is a good idea. I missed my bf's bridal shower to go to a wedding, even though I was a bridesmaid for her. I did go on the far away week long hen though.

No OP, this is all wrong. Brenda is supposed to throw a huge bridezilla hissy fit that you can keep us updated on. This is all wrong. Doesn't Brenda know the rules!

Argh I can't cope with the reasonableness of this!

I like that you chose the names Brenda and Sue.

I don't have any advice.

A wedding may trump a hen do but I'm a believe you go where you are first invited and not decline as get a better offer

Glad hen ok and no shouldn't change the date as that was the date you chose

They may have thought change the hen date and then again you decline due to another engagement later on

Sound all has worked out well tho

Weddings trumps hen do especially as you aren't a bridesmaid. But perhaps take Brenda out for a drink or something before her wedding.