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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy a wedding present

41 replies

ZenNudist · 08/04/2016 20:23

For an overseas wedding?

My male df is getting married in an expensive place overseas. The dc are 2 and 5 and are not invited.

It is costing us lots more money than our usual holiday and we are taking family as babysitters whilst we go away.

Not to drip feed but we also got married abroad (but we were clear people didn't have to come) and didn't mind that those who did come didn't get us presents.

This df did get an invite to come to our wedding abroad but I phrased it as no obligation and had a party at home as well. He didn't buy us a gift for that either. I noticed but didn't mind.

I have known him for 20 years. He is very tight fisted. So is she.

So I was never intending to buy a gift given the extra £2,000 the holiday has cost above our usual holiday budget. Dh and I have also been invited to and paid for expensive stag dos (they are having 2 each! ) We went to one stag each at a total cost of £500! I declined the hen do invite as it was getting on for another £300!

They have now emailed us with a gift list. No poem 😁 but also none of the usual 'don't feel obliged to buy us a gift' preamble. Instead it says "some of our friends asked about gifts so we set up this gift list. Or John Lewis vouchers welcome!"

Aibu to send them a card with a nice message and omit the gift. Or do I have to spell out why no gift?

OP posts:
WetLettuce123 · 08/04/2016 23:49

They didn't get you a gift so it would embarrass them to give them one surely? With all that it's costing you to attend I'd just give them a card in these circumstances.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 08/04/2016 23:51

It's in Maui! it's not

Biscotti - you win! Are you still friends? Oooh I'm wondering if my friends have done similar with expecting wedding party to pay for their own outfits. I can't imagine them ever paying for even a flower girl dress.

Now I'm glad I am going as it could be quite funny to see what else they do.

Being tight pays off. They are going straight from overseas wedding to far flung honeymoon destination.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 08/04/2016 23:58

NN they can't hold it against me. He's been to countless weddings and not stumped up.

He has previously lived with us rent free for a while but stopped buying any food after 2 weeks .

He also famously had a BBQ where all we got was to share a pack of crisps. He couldn't be arsed to do any food.

If I'm caught bitching on MN then that might annoy them😯

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 09/04/2016 00:02

You're joking about the BBQ?? Hmm. Why are you spending two grand on these idiots?

KoalaDownUnder · 09/04/2016 00:44

I don't understand this kind of thing.

This is not how it should work. All this talk of whether people 'expect' you to fork out thousands to go to their wedding, and whether they're 'asking' for presents.

Don't even start me on the multiple hens and stags.

Deciding to get married does not actually make you God. You invite people to the wedding and they choose to give you a gift. Or not.

This business about 'expecting' people so for out thousands to make all your dreams come true is utterly crass.

glowfrog · 09/04/2016 00:59

Being tight pays off. They are going straight from overseas wedding to far flung honeymoon destination

I cannot even.

It's not being tight fisted that allows them to do this. It's double standards and a level of self-centredness that can only leave the rest of us to stare in awe.

If they raise the lack of present as an issue, then just innocently say "but you didn't get us anything so I didn't think it mattered."

If they still have a problem with that, then I'm sorry but I can't see how they are worth having as friends.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 09/04/2016 08:05

Ok it's probably difficult to get the situation across on mumsnet but I was mainly posting to entertain you, and make myself feel bit better as part of me agrees with the PP who said the gift would be a drop in the ocean of outlay since they said they were getting married.

A wedding of a longtime friend is probably not a time to be hung up on principal. I can afford £50 I just begrudge it, mainly off the back of Mr Can't even be arsed to get us a wedding card. This I know drags me down to the same level of meanness.

I know they will notice if I don't send anything but I can't say how much they will understand and shrug. They are too polite to say anything so that's not a problem.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 09/04/2016 09:15

I think I would try to view this as just a fab holiday with your family whereby, as part of your holiday, you will be coincidentally attending the wedding of a friend. You will still be spending the same amount of money but you won't be thinking of it as spending all that money just to attend their wedding without your dc even being invited. That way you might not mind getting them a cheap photo frame gift.

kittybiscuits · 09/04/2016 09:19

Invited to a wedding abroad. Small DCs not invited. I wouldn't have got anywhere near a dilemma about presents. I wouldn't dream of going.

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2016 12:53

You know them best, op, (obviously) but from what you've said I wouldn't be too sure they'll be "too polite" to mention anything. They haven't shown much class or grace so far.

MsColouring · 09/04/2016 13:29

YANBU. Sounds like you have paid out loads already.

But in their defence, we got married recently and despite not asking for presents we got some gifts and vouchers anyway which was lovely of people and we were very grateful. There are always people who will give no matter what so they might as well ask for things they actually want.

expatinscotland · 09/04/2016 13:37

They sound like arseholes. Asking for gifts is the least of their character flaws.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2016 13:49

I just don't understand why you're friends with them. Having two stag/hen parties each at other people's expense is really horrible. Having one at other people's expense when you're really tight yourself is nasty. Then to not invite your children, which means you have to invite family to care for the children?

I think you're mad! You could still have stayed friends and not gone to the wedding. I would say (re a present) that you loved his present to you so much you're giving him the same.

kittybiscuits · 09/04/2016 13:50

Lol at expat

MissTurnstiles · 10/04/2016 10:53

Be honest - were you relieved when they changed their minds about moving near you?

If so, I think that tells you everything that you need to know...

tangerino · 10/04/2016 11:22

I would buy a gift. You don't have to attend the wedding and stag/hen dos. Given that you've chosen to do so, I'd just do what's normal when it comes to gifts (which for me is to give one). The issues are separate.

(Having said that, I'm not keen on expensive foreign stags and weddings but thAts their choice, and your choice whether you go.)

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