WIBU to send this email and should I get some help?

[picklypopcorn]

Get a cup of tea, this is a long one. First of all: I've got a pretty fragile head at the moment and I realise there's something not quite right about my emotions, ie: I cry randomly and don't really know why, find small things make me irrationally anxious and can't really "get hold" of myself if that makes sense? I don't want to use the word depression because I'm not sure if that's what this is, but there is definately something not quite right.

Anyway, the email:

So at the moment I'm on a team at work, being managed by a first time manager (we'll call her "B") who's been recently promoted and has a lot less experience in the field than I do. I'm only 25 so it's not like I've got 20 years on her or anything, and although sometimes it can be awkward I've been coping with it fine and I've just kept my head down.

Anyway:

Last week I had a 1:1 with B and she went through some feedback she'd had from one of my more senior colleagues about me. She made out it was a MASSIVE problem and I think because of where my head is at the moment I had a major panic and worried about it, so I went home for the weekend feeling like I'd fucked up my entire career.

On Saturday night the feeling of utter panic hadn't lifted, I was unable to sleep and couldn't pull myself together, so rightly or wrongly I emailed my managers manager (we'll call her "J") and asked her to clarify exactly where I had gone wrong etc. It being the weekend she didnt reply.

Anyway, on Tuesday I got an email back from her where she clarified my points, gave me some more feedback (that also panicked me) and then I just sort of left it. The feedback she gave me in addition to the original feedback from B tipped me over and I've been on the edge of tears all the time im at work since then (seriously as I'm writing this, it's not right is it?)

In the meantime I emailed my senior colleague to talk through the feedback I'd been given in the first place, and he said it was absolutely nothing to worry about and he was really shocked it had been turned into such a big deal by my manager

Yesterday I got an IM from my managers managers manager (we'll call him "C") asking if he could "have 5 minutes".... so yeah, more panic. I was in a different office so worried all day and all night about it, then finally he called me into a meeting room at lunchtime today.

He basically cossed me for going to J about my conversation with B, and told me I should be offering B as much support as I can and not "trying to undermine her"....

Essentially, J and C have had a conversation and decided between them that I'm trying to undermine B and make her out to be a bad manager.. which isnt the case at all (and I stressed this), I just needed reassurance and clarification from J that I hadn't damaged my career etc. I feel they've automatically assumed I'm unhappy being managed by B, which isnt true! This has left me feeling really helpless and since lunchtime it's taken all my energy to stop myself crying (I very nearly burst into tears in the "chat" with C but just about kept my shit together)

So now I think I've REALLY screwed up and I'm now going to have a reputation as a backstabber even though that's not my intention at all I feel like potentially, my mental health situation could be partially responsible for me sending the email in the first place and my ability to make decisions has been really compromised?

What's worse if for the last week I've had a "balloon" feeling of anxiety in my chest and last night I drove home crying my eyes out and couldn't put my finger on why... I think I might be having some mental health issues but I'm not sure?

Am i going to need a new job now? is this going to follow me? Perhaps more importantly, is this depression?

Do make a GP appointment, worrying the feedback debacle will blow your career sounds out of proportion - CBT can also be useful in challenging catastrophic thinking.

Hi picklypopcorn,
Yes, I can remember doing something similar (but different) in my first post.
You are trying so hard that you are becoming slightly unbalanced.
Take a deep breath, see your GP (keep it to yourself). Get some help with your own anxiety issues and the rest can take care of itself.
The first rule must be "look after Number One"

This all reminds me of when i had PND. These were exactly the knd of feelings/not quite right reactions/not tusting my own judgement stuff i went through then.

I found that strong st johns wort did the trick for me, as an alternative to prescribed ADs, but you should take medical advice from your GP as a first step.

Sounds to me like B has to learn the finer skills of people management. She shouldn't have laid that on you without positive feedback and a resolution to what was not so positive.

Did you agree with her about what she thought was a problem? Did she give you guidance to work through the issue? If not, I'd say you were bound to get panicky.

Is your workplace like this often? It could be why you are anxious in the first place. Infact, B sounds anxious herself - you've effectively been told to support someone who isn't supportive of you and therefore has lost your trust.

No my workplace is pretty relaxed on the whole but sometimes things like this do crop up.

I agreed with her to an extent about the issue, it was a mistake I made and that's fine, but she said I should have stayed after work to correct it and that not staying past my hours showed a lack of commitment etc etc. The problem was resolved by 3:30pm so I don't get her reasoning on that, but there you go.

I think she's just an inexperienced manager. I myself have managed people before so I do understand she could do without the hassle! She didn't give me anything positive to take away from the meeting at all, it was all doom and gloom which is why I came away feeling so worried I think.

Having said that, my level of worry was massively out of proportion and sending that email was really really not called for so this is more a problem with my emotional state than her management style, I fully recognise that! I'm also pretty high functioning for a complete nervous wreck.. If you met me you'd never know I was struggling hence why none of this is really her fault :(

It sounds like it could have been a panic attack. I don't get them often, when I do, they tend to manifest as throwing up or not being able to breathe.

I'm also good at keeping my shit together as far as other people can see. My boss knows I have issues but he's really pissy about it and likes to set me up to fail.

Well the plot thickens!

Went to see my MIL yesterday and told her and FIL all about how I'm feeling at the moment and said I thought that maybe I was suffering with anxiety... Their reaction?

'Yeah you always have, we thought you knew!'

They are both mental health nurses and apparently spotted my anxiety years ago (I lived with them for a year)... Weirdly this makes me feel a lot better at least now I know I'm not cracking up, and actually I've been handling this for ages without even realising it, so there's no reason I can't pull through it now if that makes sense? MIL has suggested the GP too, so I'll book in next week

Bless. Your inlaws sound lovely. I would refrain from engaging any further on this issue at work unless you're asked to. Get thine self to the GP and stop panicking.

Sounds like you're doing the right things. Gp is an excellent first step. Mental health services are a bit of a postcode lottery, so if your gp isn't helpful , don't give up, keep pushing for something. There are often self referral services for counselling. There are also some good books and apps for anxiety.

Some people on this thread have had bad experiences telling their employer, but for me it's been helpful, though the telling them was scary. I needed a bit more flexibility in working hours, which they were happy to agree to. One time i was having a horrendous week anxiety-wise, and was terrified I'd miss the clients deadline, because i couldn't concentrate or think straight and was really behind. Instead of panicking more and more, i privately explained what was going on to the project manager, which meant she could get someone else to do part of the project, it all became manageable again, and the company didn't end up looking bad.

For me having my mental health issues out in the open with the relevant people makes it far easier to reduce their impact. I also feel supported rather than uneasy about trying to hide it.

Depends massively on how understanding your employer is though; you're best placed to judge that.

Do not send any more emails. Go in, do your job well, support your colleagues, be above reproach now for a bit and it will blow over.

Please DO go to your GP though.