Ds almost 9 is always saying mean things about me.

[Colourfulpast1975]

He is a very demanding child and he is never satisfied with anything he gets. He is always after the next thing. I work from home which allows me to do lots with my ds during the holidays. Last week we went to the park loads, café, cinema, fun fair, various treats...this week we are on holiday, he has been horrid, asking for stuff which he got (thank you Dh)...at one point I was having a laugh with Dh and he interrupted asking why I was talking gibberish. The day after we went out after dinner and he was complaining a lot, wanted this and that..being very ungrateful. I was really upset and I went to bed upset. The day after I talked to the dss (I have 2) and I explained I was disappointed by their behaviour as they get so much (I never had as much as they get while I was growing up). I stayed at the cottage while Dh took the kids to various activities. I read my book, faffed on the iPad etc... In the evening Ds asked to play a game but I really didn't fancy it, he then told me oh yes I know you like to chill a lot implying that I was lazy. I do everything for these kids, all my life turns around them. I booked this specific holiday for them. Yet I'm told I'm lazy by my 9 years old.

Dh just told ds that he was not very tactful saying that...what is that supposed to mean that he believes that I'm lazy ? Do I have to be 24 hours a day doing things with my family, can't I take a day for myself ?

It sounds like a toxic dynamic within the family and your son sounds like a narcissist in the making. But he can only get away with what his parents allow him to.

It is possible to treat children without turning them into spoilt brats but there have to be boundaries. Stop allowing him to talk to you like that. Don't 'give up' on that kind of behaviour - it sounds horrible.

There need to be consequences for his behaviour. Tell him he has hurt your feelings.

OP, I have an almost 9 yo who I think is attempting to master the art of sarcasm and sass which has resulted in far more time in his room than is usual. It is driving me mad and have my fingers crossed it will be a swift phase.

KondosSecretJunkRoom its definitely true - I have an almost 9 year old boy too (he's my middle child). Most school holidays (apart from the long summer one) I aim for one big "day out" of their choice, one part day treat like the cinema or bowling, one meal out in a cafe or MacDonalds, and one visit to their grandparents (an hour's drive - if we/ they are lucky the grandparents offer to have them for a couple of nights and they will go on a long walk or to a boot sale). The rest of the time they will help with whatever we are doing (they don't have to but DS1 likes to help with anything car maintenance or "man jobs" and all 3 kids like to cook and weirdly like going to Aldi :o ) or just play - usually with friends as we are very lucky to live in an area where kids play out and call for each other, and I do let them have friends here pretty much always.

On the very rare occasions my kids winge that they are bored I straight out tell them that if they can't entertain themselves they have a big problem, and I will help them by letting them have more practice at it or giving them some laundry to put away... :o :o

My DS & DD def are alot cheekier with me than DH - which can drive me round the bend. but DH will not stand for it, he blows his top if he hears them at it. I would be more upset if DH didn't do this than at what the kids say to be honest. Kids are kids they say horrible things & can imagine this only gets worse in teenage years. I don't expect them to realise yet what we do for them. they've never known anything else. so we get the life is so unfair, you the worst mom in the world etc but I know they have a great life & I know am NOT the worst mom in the world & some day I hope they'll realise this!!
As an aside DH & his brother had a charmed childhood - their parents literally doted on them & did everything for them - his mum in particular! My DH says it wasn't until he got to uni he 'grew' & realised the sacrifices they made, & his bro says it didn't hit him til he was on teaching practice in a tough school in London it suddenly 'dawned' on him his parents were pretty awesome. DH says him & his bro were right brats at times as well & his mom & dad agree. smoking, drinking very young you name it. But they turned out 2 great guys & they have an amazing relationship with their parents. So am hoping the effort we putting in now will be worth it - even though at times it appears pretty thankless!!!

I think labelling the child a narcissist etc is not constructive - and a bit OTT

He's nine - they can be obnoxious at that age. They can say mean things. How you react is the key.

When he whined for stuff - your DH should not have given in to him, there should be a rule in place for getting stuff (e g they do chores in return for pocket money then they get to choose how they spend their money, or they get a base line amount which can be increased with chores)

When your DS said you were talking gibberish, your DH should have come in with ' don't be so rude to Mummy, we are having a conversation, don;t interrupt etc.'

Just a calm no nonsense approach. immediate clamp down and addressing of any rudeness so he never gets away with it.

Also he made you retreat and get upset and effectively exclude yourself from activities. Don't let him see he has upset you - just say 'don't be rude' 'don't be silly' or whatever, ignore his nonsense - he knows it upsets you that's why he's doing it.

And if he calls you lazy I would stop doing all the things you do for a week and they can do stuff for themselves - they might not think you are so lazy when they have to cook, make their own lunches, wash their own clothes etc.
I might even make a list with everyone's name on and a list of what they do written underneath - bet yours is the longest list, and show them the comparison. I think kids sometimes think parents do nothing because we don't spell it out we just get on with it - sometimes it needs spelling out.

Yes he sounds like a brat, and sound like he has too much of a good life to be appreciative. You need to crack down on his awful attitude quite sharpish. Also your Dh is excusing this by saying he is tactful. He's just downright nasty to you, and he's a little nipper imagine him a teen. Sorry you don't deserve to be spoken to and treated that way

Kurri - I did not label the son a narcissist. I said it sounds like he is a narcissist in the making - as in if the parents do not take action against his behaviour now while he is still young then he will grow into a narcissist as an adult. IME from the behaviour of adult members of my family, that tends to be what happens when children are allowed to get away with whatever they want.

I would definitely be getting him involved more in household tasks - you will be in charge of overseeing and delegating what he does and if he doesn't do them adequately then you don't provide treats. This would be in addition to coming down like a tonne of bricks on any gobshite comments.
My 8 year old dd came out with a cocky comment aimed at her step-dad last night in font of guests - I sent her straight to bed which meant she was reprimanded but also highly embarrassed in front of everyone. I'm not saying she won't ever do it again but she knows the consequences.
I think you need to take back some authority and be prepared to hold your ground in "stand off" situations - and DH of course has to back you up.
Good luck - won't be easy but you can do this.

I agree that it sounds like he's had so much input he's lost sight of the fact he can either do things by himself or thinks he's above it.

I've spent years worrying about a close friend of mine who has been the same. Running meals to her children, what ever they want, driving them the10 minutes walk to park and picking them up when they want, not doing things because they don't want to. they constantly call her to go to them because they want to speak rather than going to her to talk.
Things are horrendous to her now. Heartbreakingly so. She's constantly providing money for them to do X, y and z - and she use to pay for hobbies on top that they didn't go to if they didn't want to.
She's just admitted she's drowning in debt and has had to remortgage her house. I sadly suspect it's been chucking things on credit cards - because I remember years of her children having new clothes every 2 weeks because they didn't have any.

But I also agree that your DH should have backed you up - he should have told your DS that of course mum wants to chill because she's worked damn hard to provide for him and it's her holiday too. What I suspect he's spent all day slagging you off to you DS about staying at the caravan and chilling.
That is a bigger problem.