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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what women see in them?

47 replies

sepa · 07/04/2016 09:36

I know a couple of guys who are due to have their 5th child with yet again a different woman. One of them is on his 3rd baby mumma and the other on his 4th. Each of the women were originally the other woman as was the baby mumma before them.

I have actually lost a friend because of one of them (she is the current person pregnant with one of their kids) whilst my other friend to the other guy has to deal with her kids from him and all the hurt he has caused them.

There is also another guy I know who has now left my other friend to be with another woman (he has 4 kids with 2 different women) although this 3rd woman is not yet pregnant...

I just don't understand how women find this attractive or how they can think that he will stay with them? What is it abou these guys? I wouldn't say that any of them are attractive and only one of the guys has money

OP posts:

EverySongbirdSays · 07/04/2016 18:07

Penguin

Meet Darren, Darren looks like a vagrant, looks like he needs a good bath and is missing most of his teeth.

Darren is here today with his girlfriend Tracey. He has been with Tracey 3 days but she is his girlfriend and is here for moral support.

Danielle is 6 months pregnant, Darren says he's not the father.

Leeanne is also here, she slept with Darren 3 weeks ago and says she could be pregnant.

Darren is here for a DNA test on Danielle's baby, but wants to also take a lie detector to prove to Tracy he never slept with Leeanne and can't be the father of her baby.

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 07/04/2016 18:08

Oh and BIL is father to the 1st DC and she got pregnant with the second to an OM whilst having an affair whilst they were married.

Goingtobeawesome · 07/04/2016 18:12

I suspect he subsequent women all think they are the one to make him settle down as they are special.

EweAreHere · 07/04/2016 18:13

Lack of self esteem and a desperate desire to not be alone?

I've never understood women who do this either, especially when the relationships end badly and they go on to complain about what a**eholes they are and what bad fathers they are. They picked them! I just feel sorry for the children who will probably go on to repeat history looking for validation in others.

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 18:14

I don't see a difference between guys having multiple families to women. I just don't know women who have had children from more than (maximum) of 2 partners which I think is pretty normal(?) these days. I do however know women who have been with DP for 5 mins and fall pregnant which I haven't understood either

OP posts:

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 07/04/2016 18:24

Lack of self esteem and a desperate desire to not be alone?*

Ah, there we are - what did I tell you?

Penguinepenguins · 07/04/2016 18:27

every

Just literally laughed out loud!

I know I shouldn't... But I did :)

DelphiBlue · 07/04/2016 18:33

I find the 'baby mumma' label quite degrading and rude.

This reminds me of my first sons father. He's picked up numerous women with the 'bitch of an ex won't let me see my kid' sob story. Ridiculously far from the truth and I find it hard to comprehend how they fall for it/how it's not a huge red flag for them.

But, my self esteem is fairly okay these days. I have a wonderful dad, brother, partner, uncles, cousins etc who have all shown me what I should expect from a man. Not everybody has that. You don't know what these people have been through.

There but for the grace of God and all that...

Alohamora · 07/04/2016 18:33

I know someone who has 4 children to 4 different fathers. She freely admits she chose the men on purpose (all own their own business, most were married when she became pregnant).

Her ambition is to have a fifth child to a fifth man...

EverySongbirdSays · 07/04/2016 18:39

Penguin made it up obvs but it's not far off much of what I've seen on there, I went through a phase when I was boggled by it but eventually I just saw it as exploitative. Kyle is very odd too and very mercurial about what he chooses to be upset by and see as unacceptable.

EverySongbirdSays · 07/04/2016 18:42

Alohamora well she sounds just lovely and just who you'd want to introduce your DH to

whattheseithakasmean · 07/04/2016 18:46

Alohamora do you know why she wants to have a child with every relationship? To me, children are pretty hard work, I just don't really understand why any woman would want to keep having them, but especially to a different man every time. Is it not just complicated and tiring? I don't get it.

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 18:51

DelphiBlue - I only used it as it was the quickest/easiest way to explain it when writing. I don't use that expression in RL

OP posts:

BrendasGotABaby · 07/04/2016 18:52

The women are usually the ones who raise the children, while the men are off getting another woman pregnant while paying a shitty 40 quid a month for the upkeep of previous child...thats why there are 'double standards' here.

So, the women may not be victims and may be quite irresponsible in some ways...but they are responsible for their children, while the men in these situations are often not.

To address the original point of the thread - I dont understand why any woman would find a man who flits from relationship to relationship creating lives he can't support attractive, no.

Alohamora · 07/04/2016 19:15

Whatthe and Every she's a very bizarre person. I'm not entirely sure what goes on in her head but I do know she's always had a troubled relationship with her Mum.

The father of her youngest owns a local shop and she is often there working. She got bak together with the father of DC1 a year or so ago but I think they've broken up again now.

Mousefinkle · 07/04/2016 19:33

The most well off girl I knew of in school (lived in a six bedroom house, owned horses, parents drove Mercs, had an au pair etc. This was the nineties so she wasn't by any stretch of the imagination 'the norm') 's mother had three children by three different fathers. The first was when she was quite young. She then went on the marry the second's father but it went to pot and a few years later she had the girl I knew with a man that had a daughter from a previous relationship. So there were four children between them, three different none resident parents to deal with. They weren't the Jeremy Kyle sorts at all but the family set up was super complicated.

Most of my friends growing up had different fathers to their siblings though. I grew up in the nineties in Leeds. It was mostly the mothers that had at least two fathers, not their fathers. They were most often their father's only child. Like me, I'm my dad's only child but my mum went on to have another.

So it's not purely a bloke thing and I ask if you judge the mothers as harshly?

Original poster

sepa · 07/04/2016 19:40

Mousefinkle I don't know any women who have 4 or 5 kids with 3 or 4 different guys. I would judge them the same if they did the same as the guys I mentioned in the original post (cheating, not seeing kids etc)

OP posts:

notquitehuman · 07/04/2016 19:48

My cousin is currently pregnant by one of these charmers. He's 35, she's 19. His two ex girlfriends are 'psycho bitches' who use the kids as weapons apparently. What a coincidence! He often posts screenshots of text exchanges between him and the exes online, and they're in his phone under names such as 'cuntwhore'. Loooovely. Of course this time it's going to be different and he's going to be a proper dad. I definitely believe him because he posts memes on Facebook about how kids need both their parents.

What can you do though? She's besotted and won't hear a word against him. The family can only be there when things inevitably go wrong between them.

As for the double standard, I think both men and women get harshly judged for having kids by more than one partner. However, you don't hear of many women who have a kid, leave the family, then go have another kid with some other bloke while ignoring their previous children. I'm sure it does happen, but it's much rarer.

WannaBe · 07/04/2016 19:50

I knew someone of my parents' generation who had four children by three different men. In every case she was the one who left taking the children with her. One of them tracked down his father on the Internet a few years ago although I don't know what the outcome of that was.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 07/04/2016 19:58

I know of more women with dc by different men than I know men with dc by multiple women. Where we live now, because its really cheap and we are studying, there are quite a few at the school with 3 or 4 dc by 3 fathers, and one that sticks out with 7 by 7! I am definitely odd with 4 by 1. All the moms are the ones there at pick up and drop off, and they are the ones taking the dc to activities and organising birthday parties etc They seem happy with it all, I would fall apart without DH sharing the load, I don't know how they do it!

liberatedwine · 07/04/2016 20:57

I work with a girl who has 5 children by 3 guys. She's admitted she's looking for her happy ever after, and thinks having a baby increases the chances of it happening. She had a troubled childhood, in and out of foster care, had her first child at 16. Her partners have all been older and controlling .She's a brilliant mum, her kids are smashing, but at 43, she's still hoping Prince Charming is on the horizon. She's very attractive, but her self-esteem is in her boots and she responds enthusiastically to any male attention.

BillSykesDog · 07/04/2016 21:25

In all honesty in my experience quite a lot of the women involved have a pretty good idea what they're getting into. If you want a baby but don't want a series of one night stands a man like this is a pretty good bet as you know he's not going to be massively fussy about getting you up the duff PDQ even though he might not stay around long.

If that's what you want that type of man is a much safer bet than a nice safe dependable chap who's going to make sure he uses a condom and is in an extremely stable relationship before procreating. Horses for courses.

And I agree with Vertigo that some people just like the drama, often true of OW.

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