PILs are engulfing me

[DoughNut12345]

How much is it reasonable for the PILS to see the kids? They have to see us for everything and as soon as one engagement is done...another one is planned. Sometimes two things can run together. For example...we have to see them for ALL SIX adult birthdays, 2 kids b'days, Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day. And then of course there's the school hols. Three half-terms, summer etc etc. It doesn't end and it's exhausting with all the constant emailing (I managed to get them to stop phoning me a while ago ) and I feel I don't get much of a chance to see the kids myself as I work full-time. We only get a break when they're on holiday!!
Does anyone else have PILS who are 'engulfers'. Oh, and they like to have a copy of dh's work schedule too so they can see when he's available (he does shifts) Lately though, thank god, he's refused to give it to them. Don't know if it's relevant but the kids are 13 and 15.

Far to much!

I get Christmas/Easter/birthdays but the holidays....and demanding to see your DH's work schedule .

You are indeed a saint, however you (I say this in the kindest way possible) both have enabled these demands.

The crying/sulking is manipulation and you need to ignore it. Just imagine your MIL as a small child...would you give in if you said no to a child and they cried...I'm guessing probably not.

Next time they try to plan something, just say that you will get back to them/or it doesn't work for you.

Do they stay over or is it just a day visit?

I will never understand people who put others' lives and wishes before their own in instances like this. I would never allow this to happen and with my pils it would easily if I'd allow it. We see them a normal amount of one.

*time

Me! I have all engulfing PIL's too. They need to be involved with every aspect of our lives, whether that's how the children slept last night or how our dentist appointment went. DH and I are obviously not willing to indulge this much of our personal lives to anyone else - the tantrums from MIL about not having enough information about us is ridiculous! I've never seen anything like it from a grown woman.

They also want to be here for all important events. Trouble is they don't just join in - they take over completely. Our kids are still young and DH and I are still really enjoying playing Father Christmas and the Easter bunny etc, but if MIL is here we don't get a look in. Even worse, they live 3 hour drive away so every time they invite themselves to our house they then stay for 2-3 nights. Our relationship with them is deteriorating quickly - it's sad really because it doesn't need to be this way at all

I don't have a problem seeing my pils that much (in fact we see them more), its nice that they want to see us and the kids (younger than yours) but then ours don't live that far away and they aren't coming to stay with us and wouldn't stay all day. Plus, they invite us over and to not have to cook and mess house up is much welcome. I cant imagine telling them not to ring me though.

Babythecave are you me???

MIL invited to ours this Easter and I woke to a full Easter spread of decorations in my kitchen in my house...no consideration that the mother of four young children might have wanted to decorate etc herself.

Bloody ILs behaving like they are the parents with so little consideration for us and how we would like to do things! Drives me insane and we find ourselves distancing from their Madness.

it sounds like my childhood. Saturdays - all day at maternal GPs, Sundays, either we went to paternal GPs or they came to us all afternoon for tea. My brother and I had to play our piano/violin for them. Both sets would just 'drop in' at any time. It drove my poor Mum batty as she also worked FT so didn't get much time with us.

I never saw friends at weekends or got to do anything I wanted to either. GPs were traditional Jewish GPs and this was what was 'done'. My Mum never challenged them or tried to change things which is a shame really. I think for all your sakes you should just keep finding ways out of all these engagements. It can be lovely to have a close extended family but when it's a takeover bid, it can be suffocating and you end up resenting it. Lots of "Sorry, but x has a party" or "We've been invited to so and so's today" along with "We're just having a film and popcorn afternoon as we're all tired" etc etc. Be prepared for emotional blackmail but I think you need to stand firm here.

My pil are the same, only distance separates my situation from yours as they obviously can't come as much. For sil and bil who live nearby and their partners, it's a constant round of get togethers, do's and visits.
We felt a bit jealous of the free childcare they give to sil untill we realised that they stay till about 9 after they get home from work
They are coming today and mil will boss us all about and take over dd, I just sit back and enjoy the rest and go to bed early for a break.
I also have a family who show little interest in me so I do think that makes it worse.

A pal of mine had this exact problem. She used to joke with DP that she could hand all 2dcs over to the PILs and let them adopt them.

DP tried to reason with the PILs and asked them politely to back off, because my pal works 45 hours pw and wanted to see her dcs over the weekend without any PIL-ridden obligation. She dreaded every Christmas, Easter, firework night, birthday, anniversary, weekends and school holidays because it felt like the PILs were wanting the DCs during all those times and sometimes, just sometimes, she wanted to do things with her kids and DP. DP felt very much the same way and worked very, very hard to gain just a little freedom.

PILs didn't see it that way and got very, very upset.

He cut contact with them.

Yes and I can't stand it. Its suffocating I like your "englufer" term!

Your dc are quite old though have you been enabling this for a while?

Just tail it off gradually, I am amazed your dc want to go, mine is 8 and getting fed up of GP already .

She used to joke with DP that she could hand all 2dcs over to the PILs and let them adopt them

I said this this PILS! There was a big pause....and after a while MIL said " there is a time limit" My pils love themselves and I am sure think they could do a far better job inspite of bringing up two extremely anxious dc.

Glad your pals dp had the strengh to cut contact, we also have a cloud over all family events....its so horrible! I think a big part of it is mil has little else to do...

We have had a lot of relief from sil having a baby so now they are obsessed with her and we can breathe.
It's hard because I enjoy the holidays and feel unreasonaly resentful of the intrusion.

choclate thats awful I hope you said something., I would have taken them straight down.

Thats good Ledkr I am praying sil will have one ( for a number of naught reasons ) but she doesnt want DC.

not UR at all Ledkr we all have a right to our own bloody time! its annoying having to constantly bat people off who have no manners.

Thanks to all for your input. I did enable this for too long....I guess because they helped us out financially sometimes....that was the compromise we had to make. I did stand my ground in an email last night though. They wanted to come yet again tomorrow to take the kids to lunch before they go back to school next week. I said 'no, it's my afternoon off and I want to see them myself' and I wasn't struck by a thunderbolt! I will be more assertive from now on!!
The kids feel the same as me and dh and don't particularly enjoy seeing them....they're very good....they just suck it up!!