I've got a ten month old son. I love him more than I can put into words but I've struggled with motherhood. I had two m/cs before he was born and a very traumatic premature birth. He was in SCBU for 11 days and I wasn't allowed to hold him. I'm carrying a lot of emotions from this and felt like it took a long time to bond with him as a result. Sometimes I question if I truly have bonded properly with him.
I've thought that maybe I have PND. I had extreme anxiety for the first few months. We didn't go out much as I was terrified he would get sick. I also worried constantly that I wasn't a good Mother and at times I had suicidal thoughts. I joined a FB group and they said I would require a lot of support if I was to take anti d's. I don't have any support other than DH and I worry that I already put too much on him. He had already taken a couple of days off work when I couldn't cope. So I did nothing and it kind of went away.
DS generally goes to bed better for DH but tonight I told him to go out and enjoy himself. I could not get DS to sleep. He was screaming in my face and wouldn't calm down. I could feel my blood pressure rising so I put him in his bed and stepped away. I went in the bathroom and cut myself a little bit with a razor. I haven't done it in years. DH will be sick with worry if he sees. AIBU to think that this is a one off to let off some steam and that I'll be ok now?