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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little annoyed at my mum organising her own bday party

47 replies

turkeylovessprout · 05/04/2016 19:24

It's my mum's 70th at the end of this month. There are five of us children (2 are abroad though) and has organised a big party for herself. She'd not asked if we were doing anything for her (and we would have) but just went ahead and invited about 100 people to this party she has done all by herself.
That's ok, but we, the kids (all in our 30s/40s) are a bit upset that she hasn't asked us to do anything but has asked a host of other friends and family (extended) to get involved in singing, organising, music ect. She has got the daughter of a friend making her cake (which my sister had planned to make) and other friends doing the meal.
Ok, so my mum is quite a self centred woman, she enjoys a lot of attention and can get a bit stroppy if that is taken away from her. It's hard to explain really the background, but it's almost like we don't cake her standard.
We feel a bit put out because we feel it makes us look bad, like we haven't done anything when we would have if she hadn't planned it all herself.

OP posts:

ludog · 05/04/2016 19:54

My great aunt organised her own 100th birthday party

firesidechat · 05/04/2016 19:59

Ok, so my mum is quite a self centred woman, she enjoys a lot of attention and can get a bit stroppy if that is taken away from her.

To be honest this sounds like a rather good description of how you are coming across on this thread.

It is not selfish to organise you own birthday bash or do you think she is too old to have that sort of control over her own life?.

coffeeisnectar · 05/04/2016 20:00

ludog I hope she had a stripper!!

Op, how much contact do you have with your mum normally? It seems that she's asked the people she's closest to, her friends, to help her sort things her way.

I'm not sure why you are annoyed. It's her birthday. Her party. Her decision.

Although if you think it's going to make YOU look bad then yes, yabu and need to get a grip.

SmarterThanTheAverageBear16 · 05/04/2016 20:01

By the time you get to 70 and have raised 5 children, you can do whatever the hell you want to celebrate your birthday. I can't see what is wrong with her organising her party the way she wants it.
If you are moaning about not planning her party, I can only imagine how much you would moan if you were planning her party!

WeAllHaveWings · 05/04/2016 20:01

I think its fabulous she's planned her own 70th. Wish my mum was still capable of that at 70.

I assume as you and your siblings didn't need to plan the party and wanted to do something you've already planned a special surprise and gift instead?

JakeBallardswife · 05/04/2016 20:04

My mum did this with her 60th but it was so her children were able to mingle, relax and enjoy the party. There'll be lots to clean, prepare, help sort on the day and afterwards- get stuck into that and feel relieved all the planning isn't on you!

usual · 05/04/2016 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleRedSparke · 05/04/2016 20:07

Who's birthday is it?

She wants to organise her own party, not your party

ghostyslovesheep · 05/04/2016 20:11

YABU it's my mums 70th on Sunday - all I've been is invited - it's HER day to do as SHE wishes - it's not all about me or my sister

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2016 20:17

I am afraid Yabvvvu and precious. It's her birthday and her party, so she can do what the hell she wants.

chillycurtains · 05/04/2016 20:18

Well it's completely up to your mum to celebrate exactly how she wants as it's her birthday. Tbh it sounds like she might have a bit of an issue with how your organise things. Perhaps she wants a certain type of cake or decoration or food and she knows you will do what you think is best and not listen to her wishes. Perhaps you all have a track record of doing this. I don't mean intentionally doing this but perhaps you have not listened in the past and she wants this party her way. Whatever the reason it is not your decision at all. However you need to decide to make this a good day for her. If you go with an attitude then you will spoil her day. Just enjoy and as a previous poster said spend the money you haven't spent on this on a really great present to help your DM celebrate in style.

M00nUnit · 05/04/2016 20:45

There are other things you can do for your mum to mark her birthday besides organising her party, e.g. getting her an amazing present or organising a family weekend away. Maybe you or one of your siblings could make a speech at the party if you want to feel more a part of it? At my Dad's 70th my siblings and I performed a song about him which he loved.

If your DM wants to organise her own party there's nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. I organised my own 40th birthday party and I loved it - planning/organising it was as much fun as the event itself. I had it exactly how I wanted it and didn't need to worry about anyone spending too much on me as I was paying for it all myself. I love organising parties. Maybe your mum feels the same.

curren · 05/04/2016 20:54

Maybe you or one of your siblings could make a speech at the party if you want to feel more a part of it? At my Dad's 70th my siblings and I performed a song about him which he loved

Don't do this unless you ok it with her. She has organised the whole thing. She may not want that.

M00nUnit · 05/04/2016 20:59

I didn't mean make a surprise speech - definitely check with DM first like curren says.

Sunshowercap · 05/04/2016 21:01

YABU

it's your mother's birthday and she's a grown adult and can celebrate it as she pleases. It's obviously important to her if she's been planning it for a year.

As for criticising her for wanting to be at the centre of attention? Well, it's her birthday ffs! 70 is a good old age and she and you are fortunate she's still got the energy and desire to have a big celebration.

And you know, it's tough, but you 5 children aren't the only people in her life. Maybe she wants to celebrate as herself, not as her children's mother, and that's why she's got other friends and family involved?

So you 5 need to club together and get her a wonderful present - (something she wants, not what you think she should have) and celebrate her life so far the way she wants to do it.

Mumofsophie · 05/04/2016 21:04

Maybe she is enjoying making all the arrangements herself. Maybe it is a project which is giving her a boost or providing a focus to her time which she enjoys. I think you need to try not to harbour resentment and instead help her celebrate in the way she wants. Maybe you and your siblings can find a way to complement what she is doing in the shape of a special gift from you all of some kind.

I learned the same lesson the hard way when we had one idea as to how to celebrate our parents'ruby wedding and my Mum had quite another. At the end of the day, we realised that it was what she wanted that counted!

Itinerary · 05/04/2016 21:04

Most adults I know organise their own parties, whether for birthdays, anniversaries or just get-togethers.

Greydog · 05/04/2016 21:11

Good for her - she went ahead and organised something that you "would" have done - leaving it a bit late, if it's the end of the month, I'd have thought.

DinosaursRoar · 05/04/2016 21:25

As she has a history of being self-centred, do you think this is a way of creating maximum drama amongst the maximum number of people? If she's been planning it for over a year - that's over a year of talking to friends about it, the event that's all about her.

By asking other friends, or friends' children to do things like the food and cake, this means she can talk about it at length, rejecting her own child making the cake for someone else sounds like she was able to make a fuss about "who will make the cake?" and then what sort she wants.

By not letting any of you do anything, she has the added drama of "having to sort it all myself. My children aren't doing anything!"

HerBigChance · 05/04/2016 21:31

God, I would love my parents to organise some of their own events, visits etc. It gets left to me or my sister (but generally me). It makes me feel like the sole source of entertainment and arrangements sometimes and is very, very wearing. Counselling is helping me to step back and begin to gently nudge family members into thinking how they might organise things themselves.

janethegirl2 · 05/04/2016 21:38

She's arranged the sort of party that she wants. I completely understand that. Is her birthday so why shouldn't she have the celebrations as she wants.

It's not really up to any of the 5 children to do this unless you had said much earlier that the 5 of you were planning a party on a given date, so could she keep the date free and provide you with a list of her friends names that she wanted to be there.

I arranged a party for my mums 80th birthday but she knew when and where and who she wanted me to invite.

Older people may not want a surprise party.

WetLettuce123 · 05/04/2016 21:52

You said it yourself, "you're it out because it makes you look bad".

Just concentrate on making your mum happy on her birthday. If she didn't want to ask you all to help then maybe she didn't think you would be able to/ would have the time.

Organise a weekend away for you all together.

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