How would you feel if this was your DD?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

If your DD didn't seem to get involved in anything, had never been to a concert, festival, never seemed to have a proper relationship, never been abroad, limited number of friends and virtually non existent social life, would you be concerned or leave her to it?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

pilates, Yes, I posted and then went back through the thread as saw that.

I thought it was a bit odd. I mean, how could you, even as a friend, think that it would be ok to pick up the 'mothering reigns' on this? If the mother has asked OP to help then my post would be the same - illustrating how it feels to be 'scrutinised'. If OP isn't planning on doing that or helping the daughter, whose ever she is, then it's idle speculation and what good will it do?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

Lying, I have explained, politely I think, that I'm not going to detail everything for privacy, but since you are again deciding you don't like the OP of a thread and as such to derail, I'll bow out.

[megletthesecond]

Just coming from the point of not having relationships, she may have massive body confidence issues. I avoided many possible relationships because frankly I'm not keen on my body (excess hair and self harm scars).

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

wooden, no, it's not like that AT ALL.

I was just saying that whoever is querying this woman must not know her very well and that perhaps the woman is happy as she is.

It's your thread so I'll be the one to bow out and won't post again.

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

All I wanted to know was if others felt it was normal.

If everyone had said 'nah, she's just quiet' I'd have said 'fine' but my instinct is there's more to it and I wanted others' views.

[Cel982]

I really genuinely don't think she's happy at all but what I'm trying to do is work out here what's normal.

I think you've the wrong focus here. There is no 'normal' life - people are hugely variable in what they value and what makes them content. The only thing that's important in this scenario is the effect of her lifestyle on her - i.e. is she happy? And I think to get the answer to that question you'll have to ask her. Without knowing your relationship to her it's hard to know how she would take that question.

In your OP you focused on her parents and whether they should be showing more concern - you seem to suggest that they should, and haven't been. Do you know this for sure?

[Roussette]

The thing is *wooden" and no offence meant, but a bunch of people online would just not know, unless they knew the woman concerned. She could be really suffering or as happy as larry but only you will know more from going by your gut feeling. What to do about it, not knowing the dynamics of the relationship, is really hard to say

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

Without knowing the relationship though, it's hard to advise on what is an appropriate way of approaching the woman. Or whether it is even appropriate for you to do so!

I'm really not begging you to disclose here at all , but just saying a if it was a niece you saw regularly (for example) you could have a different approach to say, a colleague that you are concerned about.

The woman may be perfectly happy, but it seems you think she isn't for some reason. I think instinct is usually fairly reliable, but again it depends on how well you actually know her.

If you are concerned enough, to want to approach her, I would just genuinely ask her if she is happy with her life? Perhaps if there is a shared family event like wedding or significant birthday, this may be a good "trigger" to start a one to one, initially "general" conversation without seeming to pry. I would also ask yourself though not only why you want to know if she is happy, but what if anything you could do about it anyway.

If you do want to have the conversation and regularly travel in a car with said person, as PP said, this is a good way to have a low key conversation which a lot of people find comfortable as there is no direct eye contact. Or cooking something together.

It's difficult as she may be genuinely happy and/ or very private and your relationship with her could mean you might be prying or unnecessarily intrusive. There might be something she isn't comfortable sharing eg a married lover or (more likely maybe) a girlfriend.

It's tricky to advise you though as (being very honest) if she is in her 30s and hasn't seen fit to confide or discuss her feelings with you until now, she may just not want to. I don't see the harm though in saying to someone you care about "I am a little worried about you, is everything ok?" And leave it very general rather than saying what you have in your op eg "you don't have any social life"

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

And also one other thought, you haven't mentioned (sorry if I've missed it) a job or similar. She may just have a demanding career that takes her energy but she loves it and/or prioritises it.

That may make a huge difference.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

I'm on the fence here too - it's too difficult to tell, sorry! She might be perfectly happy as she is, but then again, she might not. Can you tell us why you think she isn't? I mean, from things she says or does (ie, does she express unhappiness or have you seen her cry or anything like that?).

I have 2 friends in their early 30s, one of whom has had one relationship with a married man in her late teens, and one who has never had a relationship at all. Both do a lot of their own particular hobbies, although do not necessarily have great social lives. The one who has never had a relationship came out as trans a year or so ago and is transitioning to male, and has seemed much happier since he did so. The other is...um...unusual in many ways and it is hard to tell whether she's happy or not. I think she would say she is, though. From an external point of view I have thought that she may not be, but she would never ever open up to me (we've been close friends since the age of 10) or indeed anyone else, so I just go with it. So based in my experience, I would say that it very much depends on the personality of this person. Would she be offended if you suggested that her life may not be very happy? My friend would be, but only you know what sort of reaction you might get.