How would you feel if this was your DD?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

If your DD didn't seem to get involved in anything, had never been to a concert, festival, never seemed to have a proper relationship, never been abroad, limited number of friends and virtually non existent social life, would you be concerned or leave her to it?

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

I'm on the fence here too - it's too difficult to tell, sorry! She might be perfectly happy as she is, but then again, she might not. Can you tell us why you think she isn't? I mean, from things she says or does (ie, does she express unhappiness or have you seen her cry or anything like that?).

I have 2 friends in their early 30s, one of whom has had one relationship with a married man in her late teens, and one who has never had a relationship at all. Both do a lot of their own particular hobbies, although do not necessarily have great social lives. The one who has never had a relationship came out as trans a year or so ago and is transitioning to male, and has seemed much happier since he did so. The other is...um...unusual in many ways and it is hard to tell whether she's happy or not. I think she would say she is, though. From an external point of view I have thought that she may not be, but she would never ever open up to me (we've been close friends since the age of 10) or indeed anyone else, so I just go with it. So based in my experience, I would say that it very much depends on the personality of this person. Would she be offended if you suggested that her life may not be very happy? My friend would be, but only you know what sort of reaction you might get.

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

And also one other thought, you haven't mentioned (sorry if I've missed it) a job or similar. She may just have a demanding career that takes her energy but she loves it and/or prioritises it.

That may make a huge difference.

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

Without knowing the relationship though, it's hard to advise on what is an appropriate way of approaching the woman. Or whether it is even appropriate for you to do so!

I'm really not begging you to disclose here at all , but just saying a if it was a niece you saw regularly (for example) you could have a different approach to say, a colleague that you are concerned about.

The woman may be perfectly happy, but it seems you think she isn't for some reason. I think instinct is usually fairly reliable, but again it depends on how well you actually know her.

If you are concerned enough, to want to approach her, I would just genuinely ask her if she is happy with her life? Perhaps if there is a shared family event like wedding or significant birthday, this may be a good "trigger" to start a one to one, initially "general" conversation without seeming to pry. I would also ask yourself though not only why you want to know if she is happy, but what if anything you could do about it anyway.

If you do want to have the conversation and regularly travel in a car with said person, as PP said, this is a good way to have a low key conversation which a lot of people find comfortable as there is no direct eye contact. Or cooking something together.

It's difficult as she may be genuinely happy and/ or very private and your relationship with her could mean you might be prying or unnecessarily intrusive. There might be something she isn't comfortable sharing eg a married lover or (more likely maybe) a girlfriend.

It's tricky to advise you though as (being very honest) if she is in her 30s and hasn't seen fit to confide or discuss her feelings with you until now, she may just not want to. I don't see the harm though in saying to someone you care about "I am a little worried about you, is everything ok?" And leave it very general rather than saying what you have in your op eg "you don't have any social life"

[Roussette]

The thing is *wooden" and no offence meant, but a bunch of people online would just not know, unless they knew the woman concerned. She could be really suffering or as happy as larry but only you will know more from going by your gut feeling. What to do about it, not knowing the dynamics of the relationship, is really hard to say

[Cel982]

I really genuinely don't think she's happy at all but what I'm trying to do is work out here what's normal.

I think you've the wrong focus here. There is no 'normal' life - people are hugely variable in what they value and what makes them content. The only thing that's important in this scenario is the effect of her lifestyle on her - i.e. is she happy? And I think to get the answer to that question you'll have to ask her. Without knowing your relationship to her it's hard to know how she would take that question.

In your OP you focused on her parents and whether they should be showing more concern - you seem to suggest that they should, and haven't been. Do you know this for sure?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

All I wanted to know was if others felt it was normal.

If everyone had said 'nah, she's just quiet' I'd have said 'fine' but my instinct is there's more to it and I wanted others' views.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

wooden, no, it's not like that AT ALL.

I was just saying that whoever is querying this woman must not know her very well and that perhaps the woman is happy as she is.

It's your thread so I'll be the one to bow out and won't post again.

[megletthesecond]

Just coming from the point of not having relationships, she may have massive body confidence issues. I avoided many possible relationships because frankly I'm not keen on my body (excess hair and self harm scars).

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

Lying, I have explained, politely I think, that I'm not going to detail everything for privacy, but since you are again deciding you don't like the OP of a thread and as such to derail, I'll bow out.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

pilates, Yes, I posted and then went back through the thread as saw that.

I thought it was a bit odd. I mean, how could you, even as a friend, think that it would be ok to pick up the 'mothering reigns' on this? If the mother has asked OP to help then my post would be the same - illustrating how it feels to be 'scrutinised'. If OP isn't planning on doing that or helping the daughter, whose ever she is, then it's idle speculation and what good will it do?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

Thanks for your answers, I'm reading them with interest. This is not however a post where I'm interfering or feel something is 'wrong' in her life that I need to 'fix.' I'm just increasingly sensing something is a bit off and I could be wrong but I don't think that I am.

I agree re the dysfunction Talking.

How much to any further? She has one friend who I thought she was close to but this friend doesn't know her as well as I thought.

[pilates]

Lying, it's not the op's DD.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I realise that you're not as interfering as my Mum, OP, but I'll just tell you how it felt being 'your daughter' with her...

Growing up my mum always tried to make me do things and participate in things that made HER happy, not me. She never accepted that I liked different things or wasn't interested in what she was interested in. It made for a very difficult relationship and some rebellion from me - or just indifference - given that I had no say in any of these 'fun' activities. I just became a 'closed book' like you say your daughter is.

Now that I'm an adult she knows next to nothing about my friends or what I like doing - not that should wouldn't be interested - but I'm not about to give up my hard fought for independence and lifestyle for her to critique.

Your daughter may be doing the same; perfectly happy in her own company doing precisely what she wants. People generally move away from pain and move towards pleasure so assume here that this is the case.

I hope you have an easier relationship with your daughter, OP, it sounds as if you don't know her as well as you think you do and I understand that this is not nice to read because most mothers think they know their children well, they pride themselves on that. As you said, you're going to back off... that's exactly the right thing to do in my opinion.

[Mouseinahole]

What is her job like? Is she happy at work?

[Gryla]

I'd try inviting her to things regularly with no pressure attached if you are in a position to do that - meals, cinema or thing with other people - parties/barbecues or to join clubs or groups with you.

That would at least rule out the she wants to do stuff but has no-one to do stuff with situation.

I've had times, places and situations where it's been bloody hard to meet people to do things - 20's new location no opportunities to socialise with collogues long commute work hours and little money as soon as improved I did things to meet people with no success. Had same with young kids and new area and going out and doing loads and ending up with acquaintances but no friends a bit local place for local people vibe. Yet place before never made so many friends as quick or easily or kept hold of so many after moving.

I had family express concern but offer no solutions in fact be quiet down when I tried things it wasn't helpful.

Though it's perfectly possible she is happy just not very forth coming about that or her activities with you.

[GingerLeaves]

this was me, but I was in my late teens! If she's happy, I wouldn't care - it's her life to live!

[timemaychangeme]

I would be concerned if she seems somewhat unhappy and detached. Could she be depressed? It's very hard to know what you could do to help, other than carry on being warm, friendly etc, so that if she does at any time want to open up to you, she can.
I am asexual and live on my own. I don't need or want a partner. However I have friends, interests, a nice social life and am happy. I'd not be worried about what she doesn't do but about any problems, possible depression or anything else may be making life tough for her.

[SeaCabbage]

You've said what she doesn't do, what does she do with her time? And does she have a fulfulling career?

[TalkingintheDark]

I think it does sound concerning.

To me it reads as if there was some kind of dysfunction in her family when she was growing up - at an emotional level, I mean; they could be perfectly functional and "normal" on the surface but have some unhealthy dynamics going on under the surface - and she has been affected by this.

But I don't know what on earth you could do about it, especially if you're not actually her mother so you haven't shaped these dynamics. It has to be her choice to acknowledge that something's wrong, and her choice to address it.

I've known a few people like this - as you say, lovely, smiley and sociable but somehow detached from life. It's quite painful to witness if you care about that person; but it really is the classic elephant in the room. You need her permission really to bring it up and it doesn't sound like that's forthcoming.

[Caprinihahahaha]

Golly - I managed to miss the 'not my daughter' line.
Totally changes everything I wrote.
Ignore me.

[HPsauciness]

I think it's very unlikely that a lunch will unlock some magic key for this woman in her thirties, who presumably has her own friends and opportunities to speak with others. I would think it extremely unlikely she would want to present anything other than her 'best' face to her mum's friend.

[HPsauciness]

It is concerning, but I don't see what you can do.

Some people are not open and honest or live constrained lives and don't want to talk about it. I know a family with three children and the eldest is like this, the other two are much more friendly and open. The eldest doesn't have many friends, works in computing, and comes home and cries (occasionally). It's her life, what can you do>

Perhaps the dd is asexual and doesn't want relationships in that form, perhaps she's dying to meet someone but hasn't had the chance.

I just don't think if you aren't close to the person, there's much you can do and I think it's even more important to seem like you are not judging them.

[greenbloom]

I would do as others suggest and take her out to lunch or similar and just chat. Be as subtle as you can though.

[pilates]

Ok, I wrongly presumed you were talking about your DD.

A more difficult situation to get involved in.

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

I agree and in fact often think that there's a lot of pleasure in an 'ordinary' life but not sure she has that either.