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AIBU?

How would you feel if this was your DD?

85 replies

woodenfloorsopendoors · 04/04/2016 06:43

If your DD didn't seem to get involved in anything, had never been to a concert, festival, never seemed to have a proper relationship, never been abroad, limited number of friends and virtually non existent social life, would you be concerned or leave her to it?

OP posts:

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zen1 · 04/04/2016 09:24

So, if she is not your daughter, are you perhaps concerned about her parent / parents not really being concerned about her?

woodenfloorsopendoors · 04/04/2016 09:26

I won't go into that if you don't mind, just because it's identifying

OP posts:

HappinessLivesHere · 04/04/2016 09:29

I can believe someone would be truley happy living a life like my friend and your daughter. I'm not one for expensive holidays or partying all the time but I think certain things matter... Good friends/loving partner to have happy times with, something to look forward to, experiences and feeling satisfied.

HappinessLivesHere · 04/04/2016 09:29

Shouldn't say can't!!!

zen1 · 04/04/2016 09:29

No problem wooden.

hefzi · 04/04/2016 09:31

Aha. In that case, OP, I think all you can do is make it clear that you're there, and available to talk/listen - so that your size 9's don't go anywhere neither of you would want them to! I don't think in and of itself, it's a concerning situation - but as you are not the mother in this situation, it might be assumed you'd have a better/clearer insight, perhaps, than the mother. If she hasn't expressed unhappiness, though, I don't think there's much you can do at this stage

I do know that I have a friend who is sometimes keen to push me into admitting things aren't good - it can actually be quite annoying when she says things like,You say you're fine. So that means your not fine. What's wrong? Do you want to talk about it? What's happened?" I don't show this annoyance, as I know it's very, very kindly meant: but sometimes, I really am just fine !

hefzi · 04/04/2016 09:32

(Excuse the typos etc in the above post - bloody technology!)

zen1 · 04/04/2016 09:33

I know that when I was in my 20s my parents were concerned and worried about me because I was living a life without certain aspects that they considered I would need to be happy. However, I was happy and didn't really discuss the many activities I got up to.

MrsJayy · 04/04/2016 09:36

Dd 23 has never been on a just the friends holiday or a festival (she has worked at a few sound engineering ) she has a close knit group of friends she goes out ocassionally she seems happy and contended they dont have to have exciting lives to be happy.

greenbloom · 04/04/2016 09:39

I think the not getting involved in anything would make me worry a bit.

woodenfloorsopendoors · 04/04/2016 09:42

I agree and in fact often think that there's a lot of pleasure in an 'ordinary' life but not sure she has that either.

OP posts:

pilates · 04/04/2016 09:44

Ok, I wrongly presumed you were talking about your DD.

A more difficult situation to get involved in.

greenbloom · 04/04/2016 09:46

I would do as others suggest and take her out to lunch or similar and just chat. Be as subtle as you can though.

HPsauciness · 04/04/2016 09:48

It is concerning, but I don't see what you can do.

Some people are not open and honest or live constrained lives and don't want to talk about it. I know a family with three children and the eldest is like this, the other two are much more friendly and open. The eldest doesn't have many friends, works in computing, and comes home and cries (occasionally). It's her life, what can you do>

Perhaps the dd is asexual and doesn't want relationships in that form, perhaps she's dying to meet someone but hasn't had the chance.

I just don't think if you aren't close to the person, there's much you can do and I think it's even more important to seem like you are not judging them.

HPsauciness · 04/04/2016 09:50

I think it's very unlikely that a lunch will unlock some magic key for this woman in her thirties, who presumably has her own friends and opportunities to speak with others. I would think it extremely unlikely she would want to present anything other than her 'best' face to her mum's friend.

Caprinihahahaha · 04/04/2016 09:53

Golly - I managed to miss the 'not my daughter' line.
Totally changes everything I wrote.
Ignore me.

TalkingintheDark · 04/04/2016 10:03

I think it does sound concerning.

To me it reads as if there was some kind of dysfunction in her family when she was growing up - at an emotional level, I mean; they could be perfectly functional and "normal" on the surface but have some unhealthy dynamics going on under the surface - and she has been affected by this.

But I don't know what on earth you could do about it, especially if you're not actually her mother so you haven't shaped these dynamics. It has to be her choice to acknowledge that something's wrong, and her choice to address it.

I've known a few people like this - as you say, lovely, smiley and sociable but somehow detached from life. It's quite painful to witness if you care about that person; but it really is the classic elephant in the room. You need her permission really to bring it up and it doesn't sound like that's forthcoming.

SeaCabbage · 04/04/2016 10:04

You've said what she doesn't do, what does she do with her time? And does she have a fulfulling career?

timemaychangeme · 04/04/2016 10:15

I would be concerned if she seems somewhat unhappy and detached. Could she be depressed? It's very hard to know what you could do to help, other than carry on being warm, friendly etc, so that if she does at any time want to open up to you, she can.
I am asexual and live on my own. I don't need or want a partner. However I have friends, interests, a nice social life and am happy. I'd not be worried about what she doesn't do but about any problems, possible depression or anything else may be making life tough for her.

GingerLeaves · 04/04/2016 10:24

this was me, but I was in my late teens! If she's happy, I wouldn't care - it's her life to live!

Gryla · 04/04/2016 11:53

I'd try inviting her to things regularly with no pressure attached if you are in a position to do that - meals, cinema or thing with other people - parties/barbecues or to join clubs or groups with you.

That would at least rule out the she wants to do stuff but has no-one to do stuff with situation.

I've had times, places and situations where it's been bloody hard to meet people to do things - 20's new location no opportunities to socialise with collogues long commute work hours and little money as soon as improved I did things to meet people with no success. Had same with young kids and new area and going out and doing loads and ending up with acquaintances but no friends a bit local place for local people vibe. Yet place before never made so many friends as quick or easily or kept hold of so many after moving.

I had family express concern but offer no solutions in fact be quiet down when I tried things it wasn't helpful.

Though it's perfectly possible she is happy just not very forth coming about that or her activities with you.

Mouseinahole · 04/04/2016 11:57

What is her job like? Is she happy at work?

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/04/2016 12:03

I realise that you're not as interfering as my Mum, OP, but I'll just tell you how it felt being 'your daughter' with her...

Growing up my mum always tried to make me do things and participate in things that made HER happy, not me. She never accepted that I liked different things or wasn't interested in what she was interested in. It made for a very difficult relationship and some rebellion from me - or just indifference - given that I had no say in any of these 'fun' activities. I just became a 'closed book' like you say your daughter is.

Now that I'm an adult she knows next to nothing about my friends or what I like doing - not that should wouldn't be interested - but I'm not about to give up my hard fought for independence and lifestyle for her to critique.

Your daughter may be doing the same; perfectly happy in her own company doing precisely what she wants. People generally move away from pain and move towards pleasure so assume here that this is the case.

I hope you have an easier relationship with your daughter, OP, it sounds as if you don't know her as well as you think you do and I understand that this is not nice to read because most mothers think they know their children well, they pride themselves on that. As you said, you're going to back off... that's exactly the right thing to do in my opinion.

pilates · 04/04/2016 12:30

Lying, it's not the op's DD.

woodenfloorsopendoors · 04/04/2016 12:32

Thanks for your answers, I'm reading them with interest. This is not however a post where I'm interfering or feel something is 'wrong' in her life that I need to 'fix.' I'm just increasingly sensing something is a bit off and I could be wrong but I don't think that I am.

I agree re the dysfunction Talking.

How much to any further? She has one friend who I thought she was close to but this friend doesn't know her as well as I thought.

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