How would you feel if this was your DD?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

If your DD didn't seem to get involved in anything, had never been to a concert, festival, never seemed to have a proper relationship, never been abroad, limited number of friends and virtually non existent social life, would you be concerned or leave her to it?

[JassyAlconleigh]

Do she have a career she loves? Does she read? Go to the cinema? Walk?

Festivals and travelling abroad are for certain types of people, perhaps your DD genuinely likes quieter solitary pastimes.

Genius suggestion from PP to take her away for a weekend. Let her set the agenda (town/country/coast, what she'd like to do or see). You might be surprised.

Walking or driving is ofyen when revelations happen. Keep an open and unshockable mind!

Either way, it's so lovely that you're concerned and have a great time getting to know your girl.

[MsMermaid]

My brother is like this. He's nearly 40 now and still doesn't do any of that stuff. It's never occurred to me that we should worry about it. I think my parents worry about how lonely he might be when they're gone because he still lives in his teenage bedroom. He's happy though, so nobody is going to try to change him, it's his life.

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

It's hard to explain what I mean (not my daughter by the way but do care about her) - it's like she's detached from life somehow. I don't want to sound judgey and I'm not.

[pearlylum]

A concert or a festival I am laughing at your determining goals of a functional life.

Festivals are often grim places. Beer cans in mud, people drunk and pissing in inappropriate places . You think it's a must?

[bigTillyMint]

Yes I would be worried if it was my DD, but this isn't about my DD.

Has she always been like this? Could you tell if she was happy when she was a little girl? What has made you suddenly (?) Feel worried now she is on her 30s?

I would imagine that if she's got to her 30s without you getting really worried about her before, then she is probably fine.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

All you can do is be there for her and keep your lines of comminication open so that she can turn to you if she does need help or support.
You could make some suggestions to her, but inferring that her life is lacking in some way is a conversation that will cause her offence.

Unless she approaches you to tell you she is unhappy then I think you have to assume that she is.

[MattDillonsPants]

I would be worried BUT if she at least had a job or one passion in her life such as a hobby, then I'd be sort of alright with it. I might wonder if she was on the spectrum though.

[Sadmother]

I would be massively concerned. I thought you were talking about a (lethargic, apathetic) teen. Which is worrying enough, but a 30 year old. Yes, I would be very very concerned.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Is she an introvert? She may be perfectly happy and have a very rich inner life.

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

Thank you. I don't think festivals are a descriptor of a normal life just trying to think of things many people will have done that she hasn't. Bad example really - should have focuses on the relationships or lack of.

[itsonlysubterfuge]

If I hadn't met DH I have a feeling I would have been just like this. I don't like going to social events, all through school I only had one friend and DH has been my only relationship and we met online. I would have never left my state (I'm American). I probably would have found it very difficult to leave home, and probably would have found it even more difficult to get a job. I'm very rubbish at being social and find it draining.

Can you not just ask her how she is? Tell her you are worried she might not be happy and she what she says?

[pilates]

It's ok wooden, I understand you were using festivals as an example and not a descriptor of normal life. I think you are right to be concerned and I would be trying to gently delve deeper. As a pp mentioned do you think she could be on the spectrum?

[JassyAlconleigh]

should have focuses on the relationships or lack of

Might she have relationships but for whatever reasons just not feel confident about sharing them with you?

Is she open about other private areas - money, religion, career?

[TeeManyMartoonis]

Not sure why people are getting so het up about the festivals - it was clear that was just an example.

Anyway, yes I would be concerned. I completely agree that one person's 'thing' is not the same as another's, but I don't think the absence of a thing can be good. The no relationships would worry me, I would think that perhaps there is a self esteem issue?

[HappinessLivesHere]

I have a friend like this. 32 still lives at home, no boyfriend/dates for 7-8 years, rarely goes out, can drive but gave up her car, got demoted at work and wasn't bothered. She goes to work then goes home and sits in her room watching TV. Every day! She says she's happy but I feel sad for her.

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

Trust me she hasn't had relationships, I can't say too much of course.

Spectrum- I don't know. She's lovely, smiley and sociable.

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

That does sound similar, Happiness.

[Caprinihahahaha]

I think what strikes me most is that you don't seem to have any effective communication with her at all.
I can tell you how my adult son feels about his life - his frustrations and ambitions, happiness and loneliness or his love of his job and his friends and girlfriend. My 13 year old and I regularly talk about how her life is going. It's always been that way.

Do you not ask about her life, her happiness etc? Have you never had those conversations or did they stop?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

Caprini my honest answer is I think a lot of stuff is covered up, she occasionally says something and it's like a glimpse into a room that's never normally opened but then the door shuts before you can properly look but you get a feel.

Did that make any sense, I'm not sure it did :)

[hefzi]

Mum, I've told you before: MN is for me - bugger off to Gransnet

Seriously, OP - you really don't know everything about your daughter's life: and why would you? If she's smiley, sociable and hasn't expressed her dissatisfaction, just because she doesn't conform to your notions of what denotes happiness doesn't mean she's unhappy: really.

[Roussette]

Without knowing your relationship with her, it's hard to comment. However, I would just know if my DDs weren't happy, I would sense it.

Can you not talk to her if you are really close?

[pilates]

It sounds like she is trying to protect you. A mother's intuition would be enough for me.

[TeaOnEverest]

Mmmmfffff. I don't know. It depends. Does she do other things? Involvement in church, youth clubs, other voluntary things? Book group? Yoga? Hiking club?

I don't do festivals, travel, or going out partying , but I do lots of voluntary/group things like the above. I much prefer it

I think if all she does is work, then come home and watch telly, then yes I'd be a bit worried, but possibly only because I would become miserable and depressed if I did that. She may be happy with it though

[Caprinihahahaha]

You have described it well but to be really honest what you have described would upset me far more than my daughter choosing a fairly solitary life.

It sounds as if you are saying that she gives you a response but it's not really honest or open. Do you feel she is open with you - are you with her?
Does she talk of plans or ambitions?

[woodenfloorsopendoors]

In some ways it's the opposite hefzi as I really genuinely don't think she's happy at all but what I'm trying to do is work out here what's normal. As if she IS happy I don't want to wade in with my size 9s.