Aibu to think that if you want/need help and a favour you need to ask?

[witsender]

Long story. My dad is a difficult character, he means well but is quite rude and abrupt. To everyone! We tend to just work round it as like I say, he means well and loves his family. We are a close family, they have our youngest a day a week, have helped us financially in the past, for full disclosure.

They participate in a costly hobby, which is open to us as well if we want. At the end of the season there is a day's work that needs doing, DH helped him with it last yr. Dad was rude to him and DH's friend all day, to the point that DH practically walked off at the end.

Moved on.

The same day's work is now needed at the beginning of the season. Apparently fad mentioned it to DH a few months back, but as it is a weekday said not to worry, DH is self employed and busy.

Today they popped in, as they left dad says "see you on Wed then."
DH looks confused, says...what for, I'm working."
Dad (abruptly): "but xyz is happening"
DH:"...I'm working..."
Dad (abruptly): but xyz needs doing"
DH "...I didn't know, I'm..."
Dad storms off with an aggressive flap of the hand, out of front door and off.

So. I automatically feel guilty because I always do when my family are angry with me. DH is frustrated because he feels that he didn't know, that help isn't a given and that given how rudedad was last time he has a bit of a cheek doing it again!

I should add that the parents really want us to enjoy the hobby this involves, which we do but with 2 young kids it isn't easy. Do I know that in return for help we have access to the hobby, but we don't use it...which they get stoppy about too.

So, should we be giving more on this? I feel like I need to make amends, DH thinks that I'd just years of conditioning...

You don't need to feel guilty. It's not related to free childcare nor previous financial bail outs. If it had been properly communicated all would be fine. If childcare is dependent on these jobs then it still needs organising!

I'd say you understand your dad left in quite a foul mood because h couldn't drop everything and suggest he might need to plan ahead.

If he's like that about you not taking up this hobby then definitely don't. Clearly they don't want you to be separate from them.

(And your dh is right. You're conditioned to jump or get this pa behaviour)

I think your DH is correct. Perhaps speak to your Mum and ask if the childcare is "no strings attached". Sounds like your Dad is a bully tbh.

Sounds just like my FIL.

After helping out a bit financially and with advice when our DCs were little he thinks DH should jump when he clicks his fingers.

He didn't talk to us for over a year once when he called DH up on a Sunday am and asked him to drop him and MIL in to town. DH said "no problem but can't do it just yet, can I take you in an hour?" FIL hung up and wasn't heard from for 12 months.

Ignore the silly strops. Once your dad asks politely for help with no expectations, then you can talk about it.

I think you need to tell your Dad to stop being rude. If my parents were rude to my husband, friends etc, I'd be furious. He is not a child who can have a tantrum or a strop he's a grown adult and needs to behave like one. When my ILs were rude to me I gave DH a choice - you tell them not to, or I will. He didn't/wouldn't/couldn't, so I did. Then stopped going there so they couldn't do it again.

It is hard to know what is us being 'difficult' on principle because of previous encounters, and what is genuinely unreasonable. Cause I know that historically I always used to be the one bending to the family because that's how it worked, it was only when I met and married DH that I saw that the dynamic wasn't necessarily normal.

But in this instance I have their voice in my head saying "family helps each other, it's what they do, we would always help you, we shouldn't have to ask formally, we did tell you, he's just difficult...yadda yadda" and it is hard to know what is accurate.

My mum has already messaged about something random which I have replied to as normal, I expect dad is waiting for us to either apologise or offer to do it. Which won't happen...if he contacted us and apologised he might well do it. As it is the kids and I are meant to be going for fun. He ignores the fact I would be able to help.

I meant to say that I have and do stand up for DH many times. As it is, this is the more reasonable, relaxed father! He used to be way more difficult...growing up was hard.

In the early days of our marriage when Dd was small, DH fell out with my adult sister. She was in the wrong and he called her on it. She called my parents and complained, he then called me (as did my mum, in tears a few times) to berate me very forcibly that DH was awful, not to be trusted, they'd always had doubts about him, he should be nice to all my family at all times etc. That I had to sell my flat to release the deposit he had given me to give to my sister, we would have to remortgage the family home if needs be to give her the money.

This resulted in a few weeks of silence, with the odd contact from them but no mention of the incident. (I had told them where my loyalties lay.) DH quite rightly said that while he wouldn't intervene in our relationship, he wouldn't be seeing them until a genuine apology was forthcoming. I was told by my parents that dad doesn't apologise, but that I should know that he is sorry anyway evern if he doesn't admit he was wrong. I said that wasn't good enough. Eventually a very awkward apology was forthcoming and we slowly moved on.

So there is history between them, since that my parents have tried to interfere less and respect our desire for boundaries more...but they are very good at letting us know what their feelings are.

So they think he is an awkward pain in the arse, I think he is normal! But they won't change. They only popped in this morning as it is our weddingn anniversary so they dropped in flowers and a card which was lovely obviously, but was then tainted by the strop!