Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To feel like I hate my 21yo daughter???

38 replies

redwiner · 03/04/2016 13:41

I have one child who is just 21. I divorced her biological father when she was 5 for his unreasonable behaviour (He was in the army, always out drinking, being with the lads, didn't want to act like a husband /father or generally grow up!), Then when she was 7, I met a new man who was lovely, we married 2 years later but sadly when she was 13 her stepdad was killed in a motorbike accident.....devastating but to try and help her 'get over it' I would shower her with anything she asked for (pretty much) and so, I admit it, she became a spoilt girl. I have since remarried another wonderful man, however my daughter's behaviour is worrying the life out of me...
She has admitted to me that when she was 18/19 she tried drugs a couple of times but that she hasn't taken anything for a couple of years. She can't seem to stick at anything, for example she trained as a hairdresser, qualified, then decided she didn;t want to do it. I said ok, what do you want? She said a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job, so I helped her get a job where I work (a local hospital) and she stayed there for a year before deciding it was boring, she hated the people she worked with, and had to get out. She has always loved animals and horses (she's had her own ponies since she was 8) so left the job and went to work for a local woman who has horses. I did advise her against it but she wouldn't listen. After 4 months things didn't work out and she left with 2 weeks wages and came home. From the day she was back there were arguments, she was bone idle, wouldn't help, and was moody and sullen. i tried to tell myself it must be hard moving back home but she didn't help matters. Then she got an interview as a receptionist at a local salon, the same day she went and looked at a flat and took it. I advised her to make sure she liked the job first, but no.
Anyhow, she now has the job and a flat but she isn't earning as much as before, so is hard up. She rings or texts me several times a day telling me she wants to break up with her boyfriend, hasn't got any money, feels like a skivvy etc and I just don't know what to do. She had everything a few years ago, but really seems to have lost her way and I don't know how much more I should help her. She never listens to my advice but wants me to bale her out/act as her taxi as and when she needs me. She says that everything went wrong after her step-dad was killed but she won't go to counselling and I honestly feel she is using that as an excuse for her thoughtless behaviour.
What I want to know is - do I say 'look you are 21 now so you have to deal with your own problems, but I'll always he here to support you' or do I still have to accept that it is my responsibility to look after her? She worries me so much with her erratic behaviour it is making me ill, I can't sleep, am tearful all the time. Please let me know what you think....

OP posts:

Itinerary · 03/04/2016 21:00

May I ask why you advised your DD against working for the local woman who has horses? I know it didn't work out after a few months, but if she's always loved animals and horses would this kind of work be something she'd enjoy with a different employer?

Dragongirl10 · 03/04/2016 21:34

OP you sound very committed to your daughter, but your own issues and insecurities are causing you this stress.

She behaves like a brat only because you enable it, find some strength and start saying no to requests for money/demands that are financially and emotionally irresponsible for you.

21 is perfectly old enough to be independent.

Do not help her if she is not polite, she will soon learn better manners, like other posters have said help her with practical skills, budgeting or organising but let her make her mistakes and take responsibility for her actions.

I think you would benefit from some counselling and focus on your own future and letting go of all the guilt. In the mean time seperate your guilt from what you would think is good parenting if this were a friends child rather than your daughter.

notquiteruralbliss · 03/04/2016 21:44

OP your DD is very young. She doesn't sound at all work shy, just that she hasn't yet found her thing. And I am not surprised she does not want to sell her horse. Presumably she had it growing up and views it as a pet / family member.

Atenco · 04/04/2016 02:42

Sorry she really doesn't sound that bad to me, OP. She has held down jobs for a considerable length of time and is living independently. I went to other side of the world, so did not rely on mother to solve things for me, but otherwise I hadn't gone to uni, hadn't held down any job for more than four months at her age, tried a lot more in the way of drugs than your dd.

EveryoneElsie · 04/04/2016 02:48

I think you would really benefit from taking a big step back and going for assertiveness training. then in 6 months time do it again. And try CBT to make a change.
It doesnt sound like you hate your daughter. It does sound like you dont know how else to help her, and that makes you feel frustrated and helpless.
You havent had it at all easy and I think you;ve coped really well.

corythatwas · 04/04/2016 11:31

OP, I know how you feel about compensation.

I made some shit decisions about dd's health when she was younger (basically forcing her to push against pain on doctors' advice rather than listening to her -have since found out this was not the right thing to do and may have caused longterm physical damage and may indirectly have contributed to her suicide attempts ).

The way I am trying to look at it is, what I did then made her less able to cope with the challenges of life. What I need to do now if I want to undo that or compensate for it, is to do whatever makes her more able to cope, not whatever makes me feel better.

And that means gentle withdrawal of support rather than letting a massive mountain of guilt build up until I explode in resentment.

In our case, dd still lives at home (at 19) and as she is on low wages we only ask for a nominal rent. Otoh she understands our financial situation and what we want to achieve longterm with our money, so she accepts that the social life/hobbies/clothes she will be able to afford will have to come out of her wages and will consequently have to be very modest.

We have also made it clear that her dad is now very tired (long commute) and I can't drive so taxi services will not happen unless in very exceptional circumstances: it she needs a taxi because she is on early shift, she will have to pay a taxi company. If she phones up with a panic attack I will talk her down and will be happy to do so, but I will not normally come out. I expect her to be in charge of medication and make doctor's appointments.

We expect very little in the way of housework- because dh and I are basically a pair of slobs- but she has to provide one meal a week: otoh we do not complain if it turns out to be pasta and a jar of cheap sauce. If she stays another year, I will step up demands on housework.

corythatwas · 04/04/2016 11:32

The other thing I have found really helpful is that since dd got older I have thrown myself into my career, which is also my hobby: she knows I have a fulfilling life that is not entirely about her. Makes it easier for both of us to deal with any bad times.

mylaptopismylapdog · 04/04/2016 11:41

May be you could turn around her negative view of her life and point out that in getting to the point she is at with a flat and a job having tried various things proves that she is resilient and employable and at 21 that is not a bad position to be in. Say that you can help to a point but won't always be there and may be reference how you have got through difficulties yourself. Most people at her age are on a tight budget. Counselling is a good way for you to get support and discuss the relationship so you feel comfortable with helping her to be her more self reliant.

jennyblonde82 · 04/04/2016 11:59

I feel very sort for both you and your daughter. Your don't sound like you hate her at all but it does sound like you haven't been consistent with her and that is part of the problem. You really both need to look at separate counselling for the losses you've had and to work on your resentment issues. Your daughter will probably have some pretty serious abandonment issues that need addressing before she can start to move forward. Counselling is really the best course.

deborahjean · 04/04/2016 13:25

My stock phrase is "I cannot help you with that, that has to be your decision".

DawnOfTheDoggers · 04/04/2016 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

falange · 04/04/2016 17:57

You don't hate her. You're just worried and she's exasperating. Stop giving her money right now. She's a grown up and has to behave like one. If she breaks up with her boyfriend and wants to come home to you make sure she pays board. If she won't, she has to leave. Stop being a taxi. If she wants to get anywhere badly enough she'll find a way. You have helped create the way she behaves, you can help her and yourself by changing the way you behave to her. You've done nothing wrong other than spoil her.

topnan · 04/04/2016 18:12

NFor 20 years my DH and I did everything for DD and her idle, layabout partner. Supported her emotionally, virtually furnished their home, loaned money every week (never repaid) and much much more. Never a thank you or even a bar of chocolate for birthdays. Told her 5yrs ago we couldn't afford to run 2 households, she was incredibly rude and hurtful and we've not spoken since. The scales truly fell from my eyes, and DH and I have our life back. No more ruined holidays, begging phone calls and, best of all, no more sleepless nights.

Flip

1 2