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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU teenage drinking

48 replies

madein1995 · 02/04/2016 21:52

I was over a family members house today and my cousin was boasting that she allows her 14 yo dd to drink when out with friends - she gave her a flagon (2 litres) of cider, a bottle of wine and 4 shots last night and was telling us how her dd came home sick/unable to walk etc and how she finds it really hilarious that she is hungover today.

AIBU to judge my cousin? I drank at 14, but it was one or two in the house with my parents or me and my friends clubbed together and split a bottle of cider, there's something about handing over that much drink and allowing a child to take it out that doesn't sit right with me, I think she's making it acceptable for her dd to drink that much. I worried for what could have happened to the dd too - anything could have happened, she could have collapsed (I would if I'd drank that much at that age!), been attacked/mugged, anything. It makes me think as well - if the girl is drinking that much on the streets at 14 what will she be doing when she's 17 or 18?

I don't know if I'm BU either, because at 14 having parents like my cousin would have been heaven for me, and I think maybe I'm looking at this too strictly, because most of my family seem fine with it and agree that it's hilarious (my own parents don't btw) so perhaps I'm just being uptight.

OP posts:

OddSocksHighHeels · 02/04/2016 23:06

I disagree Vintage I think there's serious scope for harm to come to this girl with the amount that she's being given. I'd agree with you if it was the odd drink here and there but a teenager getting shitfaced (outdoors as well I think?) is crap parenting and the parents need to realise how serious it is.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 23:07

You don't have to 'report' to NSPCC, you can describe the whole situation without giving any details at all, then see what they say. They're also for counselling and advisory as well.

hotandbothered24 · 02/04/2016 23:11

I also think there is serious potential for harm too Vintage , can only imagine another teenager thinking as you do

Vintage45 · 02/04/2016 23:13

Do daughter and mother have a good relationship apart from this OP? If so, I'd leave well alone.

Original poster

madein1995 · 02/04/2016 23:16

Apart from the drinking, I would say mum and dd have a good relationship - they are very close, more like friends than mother and daughter a lot of the time. Cousin isn't liked by many people but her and her kids do get on well

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 02/04/2016 23:17

That's a lot, and I'm pretty relaxed about DS (almost 17) drinking. No way my 13yo girls will be getting to drink like that when they are 14!

Was it all drunk by the girl herself? A bottle of cider between a group is one thing, but just for her herself is not a good pattern to be starting.

namechange Vodka seems to be the drink of choice :/ My DS and his friends drink here when they are drinking. I buy the drink (they pay) so that I can keep a control on it and the number of his year group who won't come because I won't allow spirits is unreal. Cider and wine is 'sad' and takes too long to get drunk apparently. A few of the Mums aren't impressed (ones whose kids aren't allowed to come) as they think I 'encourage' them (I don't) which is their choice, but I'd rather have them close by than in the park - which is the place of choice locally despite being next to the river which terrifies me.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2016 23:22

more like friends than mother and daughter a lot of the time.
but her and her kids do get on well

I'm not surprised

She needs to stop being her friend and start being her mother. The health aspect alone is concerning.

Original poster

madein1995 · 02/04/2016 23:22

I don't think the dd drank it all but I know she drank all the cider, 2 glasses of wine and at least 2 shots. The thing her mum was most upset over was the fact that she thinks one of the other girls 'stole' her dd's drink, not that she had possibly supplied someone else's child with alcohol! Even if she didn't drink it all she was apparently in a right state and hungover today, and the mother gave her a lot of drink - even if she didn't drink it all, she could have

OP posts:

OddSocksHighHeels · 02/04/2016 23:25

birthgeek gave good advice - speak to the NSPCC about it without naming anybody and see what advice they give you. I'd do that if I was in your situation.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 23:26

So the daughter has a good relationship with her irresponsible, neglectful mother who plied her 14 yo DD with a shitload of booze and sent her out into the night.. Laughing when she came home paralytic.

Makes no difference how they get on. Completely irrelevant. Does not make it ok.

Vintage45 · 02/04/2016 23:26

Whilst I do agree with you OP, calling social services etc. would cause a lot more harm than good in this situation.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 23:29

What do you imagine would happen Vintage?

Original poster

madein1995 · 02/04/2016 23:29

I think I will do what birthgeek suggests and contact the NSPCC for advice in the morning - I won't name any names and will do it completely anonymously but it'd be good to get some advice off them

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 02/04/2016 23:32

I just think its a really over the top sneaky thing to do. Sounds like the OP doesn't like her cousin very much.

Stoneagemum · 02/04/2016 23:37

Gosh, I thought I was liberal with buying dd(14) a couple of wkd and ds(16) a couple of beers along with my wine at the weekend with the weekly shop and was going to say UABU but that much to take out off the house, no way even for my meh attitude.
I have had dd bring a drunk friend home before and ask for help for her, which I did, (water, food, call the parent etc) so o hope my attitude is not all bad, but I would not buy that much ever for my dc, let an known to take out of the house

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 23:43

I just think its a really over the top sneaky thing to do. Sounds like the OP doesn't like her cousin very much.

So you think potentially seeking help for this family (if appropriate), would cause more harm than good because the OP would be seen as sneaky and vindictive?

She can do it anonymously. Sounds like lots of people know about this incident.

I rather think OP's concern shows that she cares about her cousin and her DD very much indeed, and is genuinely concerned, and wondering how to go about it the right way.

Sounds like a good plan to contact NSPCC tomorrow with no details initially Made.

Vintage45 · 02/04/2016 23:47

Will have to agree to disagree then Birth. If she cares she would have a word with her cousin. That's the normal way to go.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 23:53

It sounds like the cousin may kick off no matter how it was approached, but at least if contact was made by an official supportive agency, this might just give her pause for reflection.

OP said:

"I'd love to say something, but my cousin can be very opinionated (read gobby) and anything bad said about her parenting causes a massive kick off"

lalalalyra · 02/04/2016 23:53

Is your cousin aware of your opinion on it?

I'm wondering if you'll do more good to her DD by staying close to them? If they know it's you I imagine that you'll barely see the DD again, and I can't see SS doing much (not saying they shouldn't - just can't see what they'll do given how stretched they already are).

It might be better served if you just take your chances to speak to the DD about staying with her friends, staying safe etc? If you report to SS I'm not sure anything is likely to change other than you being cut out.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 23:54

And she's already had a gentle word with the child, but concedes that she is more likely to listen to her mum, who is normalising it.

Beeziekn33ze · 03/04/2016 02:36

The child could pass out in someone's house and choke on vomit or do her liver serious damage. Does her mother have the same attitude to drugs?

MadamDeathstare · 03/04/2016 03:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 03/04/2016 04:09

With that amount of alcohol in her system, she could collapse in a heap, choke on her own vomit and DIE. A&E is full of young adults with dangerously high levels of alcohol in their system Friday and Saturday nights. They are being monitored or having their stomachs pumped with drips in their arms. Those are the lucky ones!!
I don't understand why everyone in the family thinks this level of drinking is acceptable. Are they heavy users of alcohol or high functioning alcoholics?
She and cousin are NOT friends. They are parent and daughter. Children's brains don't stop developing until at least 18. This is child abuse. Please follow through and report the parents anonymously to the NSPCC.

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