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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give a wedding present based on what they gave us for our wedding?

40 replies

MinecraftyMum · 02/04/2016 16:07

That sounds awful, but is it in a nutshell.

We have three weddings this year, and all three couples came to our wedding two years ago. We got mainly cash gifts at ours but the amounts varied wildly from £15 to £150 - for the same sort of 'level' of friendship/relationship iyswim.

I know that we got cash from all three couples but I couldn't remember the amounts - so I had a look at the list we made when we were opening our cards and stuff (for memory/thank you card purposes). One couple gave us £30, another £50 and the other £100.

I've said to dh that we'll have to give the same sort of amount for them. He was horrified, said that's really crass and we should just give fifty quid each.

I don't mind giving £50 to the friends that gave us £30 (i'm not that tight!) but I feel really uncomfortable giving £50 to the friend that gave us £100. I think we should give them either £100 (or equivalent in Euros for their honeymoon) or give them £50 plus a nice £50ish gift.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

fatmomma99 · 03/04/2016 01:12

I think it depends on your age and stage. I got married quite young, and lots of our friends were students and didn't have spare cash.

If you've got two salaries, can afford your rent/mortgage and don't have kids yet, give what you can afford without it meaning you have to do without.

EverySongbirdSays · 03/04/2016 03:26

I really think that you can't give a couple who were very generous to you the same as the couple who gave you a small amount. I think your OH is a bit tightfisted, by all means give 50/50 to the others but £100 to the £100 - unless for some reason it's a problem financially. If it were me I'd be afraid of seeming a cheapskate in the face of their genorosity

MattDillonsPants · 03/04/2016 03:43

This is why giving money is in itself crass!

I have NO idea how much to give. Any amount seems like an insult to me.

trufflesnout · 03/04/2016 03:55

I hate this. I have no fecking money! At least with gifts you can be savvy with how you source it and what you pay. I mentioned picking up a very very small token gift for my best friend for her wedding and her husband-to-be interjected that it was cash only! I told him I didn't have any. For fucks sake, it's so embarrassing.

I agree with your DH, £50 to each couple.

MattDillonsPants · 03/04/2016 04:07

Truffle exactly! My very good friend did "cash for gifts" at her wedding and I had no money! I had to give a token gift....and it WAS a token. I mistakenly thought others would give gifts...at least a handful of people, but I was WRONG and I was the only person to turn up with a wrapped gift.

I wish people would consider this predicament and perhaps ask for money OR a gift and say theyr'e happy with either.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 03/04/2016 04:10

I agree with you OP.

MargaretCabbage · 03/04/2016 04:50

I honestly can't remember how much most people gave us for our wedding, and I wouldn't take it into account when giving a cash gift to anyone else. I do remember some relatives gave us a lot less than we have them, or a lot more, but I would never think to feel ripped off or guilty that we didn't give them enough. People choose how much they can afford and feel comfortable with, and you should too.

Princesspeach1980 · 03/04/2016 05:34

I'm just praying my bil doesn't decide to get married. He gave us £1000 for our wedding! Not a chance we could match that but would feel very guilty

StopBoasting · 03/04/2016 09:18

I'd give roughly the same back to them but only if you can afford it. It's fine and giving cash is fine too

USERNAME213 · 03/04/2016 14:16

One of DH's best friends gave us £500. It was so bad - we insisted he take it back. After much pushing from us, he did. We know he can't really afford that and we felt awful taking it from him.

MissTurnstiles · 03/04/2016 14:29

Surely they gave you what they could afford, and you should now do the same? It was a gift, not a guarantee to be reciprocated when their own weddings came around.

Believeitornot · 03/04/2016 14:31

I wouldn't match because I do not like tit for tat. They may have had their own reasons for how much they gave.

Give a much as you can afford.

Believeitornot · 03/04/2016 14:32

It implies that you only value their friendship based on the amount you got for your wedding. That's pretty shallow.

Muskateersmummy · 03/04/2016 14:33

This is so why I hate giving cash gifts. If you get presents you can choose something for each couple and the amount is irrelevant. That said, unless everyone sits around discussing how much everyone gave as gifts (which would be very crass!) how will each couple know what you gave the others? Give what you can afford to each couple based one your income and your individual friendships with each. I wouldn't be making comparisons to either each friend or what they gave me

tappitytaptap · 03/04/2016 15:23

I must admit I make sure to get a similar 'level' of gift too. As for OP, some people who we are similarly friendly with gave us gifts/cash with a value of around 30 quid and others over 100 so I'd always make sure that those who gave us the bigger gifts got that 'back' if that makes sense. However, we can afford to do this, I imagine it would be more difficult if you can't.

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