To think having a good relationship with MIL is possible

[Primaryteach87]

So vested interest here, I'm a mum to young boys. So the whole motherinlaw-daughterinlaw dynamic troubles me.

My mil has done some things which have upset me in the past (and I'm sure I have too) but then so have my own parents, who I'm very close to.

Increasingly I think for most (not all & accept some people are mad, bad and dangerous!!) mil-dil relationships it's about 'framing'.

If I 'frame' mil as someone I love who loves me and can make mistakes and be forgiven, we can have a great relationship. If I 'frame' it as mil dislikes me and I dislike her, we could have a terrible relationship. There are real things that have happened, I could work myself into a frenzy about. But, she is human and negotiating this relationship for the first time, just like I am.

The more I laugh and tease and joke, the more I feel like a daughter. The more I forgive slights, the more I recognise all the nice things she does. The more I seek her out, the less threatened I am. The more she feels invoked, the more supportive she becomes.

So...tell me I'm wrong? but be kind or I'll go and have acry about my boys' wives hating me!!

My mil died when dd was 9 weeks old however in the short time I knew her she was amazing. We only ever had one blip and that was over me telling my dscs off for appallingly bad behaviour. She believed that because they were now from a "broken home" they shouldn't be told off because they would think no one loved them. Plus she was terrified if they got told off they wouldn't want to see her or their dad. Dp was great and told her they were his kids and they had been exceptionally naughty and needed telling off. It was his job to see that they learnt right from wrong and whilst he didn't want to upset her it was his decision not hers. She smarted for a couple of hours but ultimately saw his point and things were fine. She was an immense help to me during my pregnancy, far more than my own mum. She discovered she was terminally ill about the time o found out I was pregnant but kept it from everyone because she didn't want to "spoil out happiness".

As she was living out her last weeks in hospital she rang dp to ask to talk to me, she asked me if she could call me her daughter as I had made her son so happy again after his awful first marriage and although we aren't planning to marry she wanted me to know she saw me as a daughter and wanted me to feel like I had a second mother figure. I had to fight back the tears to say yes I would love that.

My mum's mil was a vile evil twisted bitch. She made it abundantly clear to mum when her and my dad married that she was marrying the favourite son, would never be good enough and she would make her life hell. She told my dad that mum had failed him when I was born because i wasn't a boy. She punished me her whole life for being born a girl.

I don't think it is as simple as to say it is how you "frame" your view of your mil. A lot has to do with how they behave, your own experience with your own parents and generally individual personalities. Not everyone will like everyone else all of the time, we are hot programmed in that way and life would be bloody dull if we were. Just because someone is family with her by blood or marriage doesn't mean you are forced to love them or even like them.

I love my MIL. She is just a great lady who has brought up a great son and is also a very clever woman to be admired. She just plays it perfectly really. Not to sound too gushy but I hope I'm the same when I'm 65.

1sy mil an angel , current mil the devil incarnate.
Believe me I've tried and tried she's just nasty end of. I'd have loved a great relationship but I'm sick of handing out the olive branch for her to beat me and her son with.
I am going to be the best mil ever 😀

My mil is a lovely woman. She loves her family and has a great relationship with dh. I respect and appreciate her. I try to be a good dil. I encourage her relationship with our children. But it has nothing to do with how I frame our relationship, I prefer to take the back seat and act as facilitator I don't think I love her. That is not her fault I have a tricky relationship with my mum and I have no emotional space for another mother figure. For me she I grandparent, mother of my husband, the only things we have in common are the people we love - dh and our children.

Keeping a slight emotional distance is necessary for me but has not always been the best approach from her point of view. She has complained that I don't like her to dh in the past. I think she would have liked a close relationship with her dil, and then got me! A distant slightly ironic person, taller than her (and her son) and not someone she could hang out with comfortably. This doesn't trouble me, I am pretty sure it is the only way to preserve an amicable relationship. I do feel bad sometimes that I am not what she wanted, but I think being a good wife/ parent is my priority I haven't got the ability to fulfil my mil expectations completely as well. Good enough is good enough for me.

My MIL and I shared a house. We worked out a couple of ground rules so that nobody's nose was put out of joint and we got on very well indeed. When she became too frail to get out of bed by herself, I was the only person she would trust to lift her without causing her more pain. I helped to take care of her through her final illness and I was glad to do so.
Although we managed very well, I don't think it would have worked at all if we hadn't liked each other to start with. I still miss her 20 years after her death.

My MIL was just lovely. She made me feel so incredibly welcome to the family from the first moment we met and we'd often have days out together.

She unfortunately died a year after me and DH married and I was so upset. I stood up at her funeral to give a speech about my memories of her and how much I will miss her and I was very tearful..

It will be two years since her death very soon and I still miss her and it makes me so sad to think my DS will never know his grandma

Of course it's possible, mils and dils are all just people, I have 2 sons and have no concerns about being a mil some day. My parents in law are both great and always try to let their adult children be adults! It sounds so simple but so fundamental. We all have our differences but it blows over in seconds.

My mother complains that her mil and fil were rigid, judgemental and controlling, also her own father. I love her very much but she is always trying to be a back seat driver to mundanisms in everyones lives. She tries to control by little criticisms, comments, sulks, tells everyone how sensitive you are if she gets a whiff that you dont like it. It isnt who she wants to be but has no idea how much brain space she can take up. She wonders why my sils try to avoid her! ! They don't as such but are sensible and try to keep contact short and sweet to maintain the peace.

When becoming a mil I think she was expecting her dils to more subservient than her sons. Who in reality only saw her a few times a year and breathed deeply to get it over and done with. Maybe she saw this as them accepting and agreeing the staus quo. My sils of course have always been polite and generous but have no reason to bow before my Mum and accept her every word, or do any more than they see their husbands do.

I adore my MIL. She is supportive but never interfering. We don't live in eachothers pockets but can have a good drink and laugh together. We holiday with them regularly. So it is definitely possible.

Agree totally - I think the framing thing is dead right.

My MIL straight away positioned me as an adored member of her family, and - whilst she does many thing that wind me up - we have never looked back. I love spending time with her, and I hope she feels the same way. We don't approach things the same way, but she would never interfere or meddle, and respects dh & my parenting - even when we know she disagree.

She's made mistakes (No, my 4 week old is NOT having any trifle...) but they come from a place of love. I've made mistakes in my dealings with her too (wish I'd got her more involved in planning our wedding - she'd have loved it, unlike my mum!)

My Mil decided before she met me that I wasnt suitable DIL material because I was English and my DM was divorced, she said that there wasnt any divorce in her family!
She refused to come to the wedding and banned all DH's family from attending too and finally met me when she turned up at the maternity ward 5 years later and announced that all grandaughters in her family were named after their grandmothers and so my new DD would be called May! I said its August and shes called Natalie.
It has never really improved,as according to mil I dont show her enough respect.Whereas I have too much self respect to accept that kind of behaviour.

Yanbu.
MILs are people as much as anyone else though, and some people are just arses.
My mil is one of life's good people. She does a lot of voluntary work in her spare time, does an awful lot for the local and wider community, is an amazingly hands on grandmother to many, and equally to them all, no favourites, she is a huge pillar of support to myself and dp, aswell as his siblings.
She is extremely generous with her time, love and resources.
I will truly be bereft the day she is no longer with us. I would turn to her before I turned to my own mother, although we are close in a different way.

I have amazing mil so yes you can.

Unfortunately I had the bitch from hell.