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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I wasn't being too strict

39 replies

ticktocktime2rock · 02/04/2016 14:45

While shopping my 3 year old kept standing up in the trolley. I asked him to sit down and he refused so I gave him the option of sitting in the trolley or getting out and walking. At this DP walked off. I stuck it out and got DS out of the trolley where he started a tantrum. I asked dp to come back which he did but in a mood and just picked DS up to carry him. I've told him I felt unsupported (he always seems to give in to tantrums) and he's said I'm far too strict.

OP posts:

NeedACleverNN · 02/04/2016 15:43

Eesh I can almost hear that worried

Mishaps · 02/04/2016 15:44

I slightly lost the plot as to who was having he tantrum by the end - DP or DS!

I am not clear what DH wanted you to do - let him stand in the trolley?

It matters less who was right than that the two of you should back each other up over discipline and hold your discussion about any disagreements on this matter until you are in private where DS cannot overhear. I used to work for CAHMS and this was the commonest problem that we saw with many children with so-called behaviour problems - and so easy to solve. Once the parents started agreeing to back each other up in front of the child, the problems melted away. This does not mean that one or other partner should have the complete say in these matters, just that the child should not pick up on the disagreement - he can then use it to his advantage - and children are incredibly clever at this!

CosyNook · 02/04/2016 15:48

Can't your DP stay at home with DC whilst you do the shopping? Or do online shopping?

Your DC shouldn't be in the main part of the trolley.

LaContessaDiPlump · 02/04/2016 15:51

YANBU.

I am experiencing a certain amount of smugness now that the DC are at the age where DH is less inclined to indulge excuse their behaviour. I have always been the harsh one and they know to obey me or there will be consequences; with him they play up much more because so far he hasn't imposed much discipline and (as you say) 'just wants them to be happy' . Watching him struggle with his allocated child while the other one walks next to me nicely gives me a guilty feeling of utter smugness, I'm afraid. Your DP might be in for a shock in a few years' time....

WakeUpFast · 02/04/2016 15:57

Yanbu! Either sit down or walk. Surely that's what any sane parent would think?

BayLeaves · 02/04/2016 16:01

For us, it's no to standing up in the trolley, no to refusing to walk nicely, rolling round on the floor or grabbing random things from shelves, YES to being carried out of the shop ASAP if tantrum then ensues! Mine has suddenly hit the age where he's a nightmare to take shopping.

I am known to give in to DS (age 2) if it's something fairly minor though. If he keeps whining for a ricecake/biscuit/whatever he's just spotted on the kitchen counter I normally say yes... Same with watching Peppa Pig, I often give in when he asks for it even if I initally say no... I need to become more strict.

Looking at the above comments I think I need to become more careful not to undermine DH constantly - at the moment I feel he's way too strict with DS, e.g. taking his cup away if he spills even the tiniest drop by accident. I live by the saying "pick your battles"...

I just don't know the best way to tell DH to drop it when he's telling DS off for something minor, without undermining his authority in front of DS.

incywincybitofa · 02/04/2016 16:04

I just don't know the best way to tell DH to drop it when he's telling DS off for something minor, without undermining his authority in front of DS.

The best way to do it is not then and not in front of DS- as long as you do it calmly any other way will be better than that

ElleGrace · 02/04/2016 16:09

Absolutely YANBU. I worked at a supermarket for 2 years whilst I was doing my GCSEs. The amount of accidents I witnessed as a result of children standing in a trolley was unbelievable, especially the amount where the parent was fully aware of what the child was doing.
I remember one incident where there was a newborn baby strapped into the car-seat-like part of the shopping trolley with an older child, maybe 4, inside the trolley, stood next to the baby on the child-seat part. I was working alongside my store manager who politely asked the mum, who was looking in the opposite direction to the trolley, to ask her child to please sit down.
The mum laughed and said something along the lines of 'oh he's fine. He thinks he's surfing'. Literally, at that moment the child reached for some flowers and because the trolley was basically empty, it toppled over.
The baby was well strapped in and thankfully okay but I always refer to that incident when I trained new staff. The mum didn't say anything, simply scooped the child up and strode off.

DinosaursRoar · 02/04/2016 16:12

I would calmly ask DH how he would have handled that it he was on his own with DS, as he couldn't carry him and push the trolly. If you are on your own with them, then the options are sit nice or walk, being carried isn't an option, but DS won't understand that, now he's learned that he also has the option of "be carried" in the supermarket, and shouting gets him that. Next time you are alone with DS in the supermarket, its going to be very hard to get him to put up with sitting or walking.

I agree, however, it's insane for 2 adults to do the shopping with the DCs, leave DH at home alone with DS or send DH alone or order online.

Yourface · 02/04/2016 16:15

I was a stupid parent who allowed my son to stand up in a trolley in Costco. He fell out. He was hurt but ok, thank god, but it was awful. Lots of customers in the vicinity muttering about how stupid we were. We'd already worked that out for ourselves.

Never do it. My friend also allowed her son to do it and he ended up with a fractured skull.

I hate seeing it in the supermarkets now. You were not being ott! It happens way more than people think.

Throwingshadeagain · 02/04/2016 16:17

There have been dozens of threads about this over the years on MN - kids tipping over trolleys culminating in terrible accidents so YANBU.

I tended to be good cop to dh's bad cop when my teens were toddlers but I would always come down hard on anything dangerous or ill mannered. I do thinks kids should be kids and shouldn't always told to be quiet or told 'no' to fun things (say messy play) because parent being too anal or can't be arsed.

Throwingshadeagain · 02/04/2016 16:20

Bayleaves I would sometimes undermine my dh for reacting 'crimes' such as you describe (dropping a bit of water) too harshly. I don't feel bad about it, he was being a dick and actually would often say 'sorry you're right' and if he didn't and we had a short row so what? I did, of course, try not to do this all the time and talk to him in private (or he to me) most of the time.

Cutleryhands · 03/04/2016 09:34

Will go against the grain here. Letting our kids stand in the trolley was a way of making shopping fun for them.
You just need to be careful pushing it around. Are they designed for it .....no, but with common sense applied and there is minimal risk of anything bad happening and they love it. Shopping less stressful, everyone's happy.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 03/04/2016 10:13

Parents have got to present a united front otherwise the child will try to play you both off. If you disagree with anything one partner has done you talk about it later when the child has gone to bed. There is no benefit in disagreeing in front of the child or walking off

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