To not go to brother's wedding?

[Littleredhouse]

My brother is getting married in the summer. I don't want to go as our dad will be there, who I am estranged from and who I haven't seen for over 10 years. Brother really wants me to attend and basically thinks I should get over it for the sake of his wedding. He has in the past tried to engineer reunions between me and my dad and also pressure me into extending an olive branch as he wants us to reunite.

I just think it will be very awkward. My dad doesn't know I have children now so will find out/meet them for the first time at the wedding, and I'm also worried that he'll decide to try and build (half-hearted) bridges, which are frankly too little too late.

Am I being selfish not going? I know it's a very important day but the idea of being trapped in a room at the reception trying to avoid him is making me feel very stressed.

Go to the wedding. Ask your brother to seat you away from your dad at the meal, after that, say you'll be there for your DB, and you don't want to make it about you.

if there's a chance you'll be upset, I'd be tempted to arrange for someone else to have the DCs for the day and just you and Dh/P go, arrive just before the bride so no chatting before hand, avoid your Dad during the drinks and then if you are seated across the room, have the meal and then leave early - noone will notice if you are there or not in the evening (and having to "be back for the babysitter/DH's parents who've got the DCs" is a good excuse to leave early without making any drama for other extended family).

Given you aren't talking about being estranged because of abuse, just your dad doesn't seem to give a shit about being a dad, then I would say the priority needs to be avoiding making drama or the wedding being all about you. For whatever reasons, it sounds like your DB has a better relationship with your Dad and it's unfair to put him in a position where he feels he has to chose.

Apologies, I could have put my point about estrangement better - it wasn't my intention to minimise anyone's experience. I myself am happily NC with a relative and understand how it's sometimes the only healthy option. I have, however, seen other members of my (huge, complex) family spit bile over old slights and for the amount of negativity it brews I really wonder who gains the most peace from it. And as I say, it absolutely floored my brother who had not, it became apparent, processed his feelings around Dad when he died. It was a traumatic bereavement though, I don't know if that makes a difference.