It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

[AuntieDiluvial]

50th birthday today.

Dh gave me a paperback about the making of Dads' Army. The same book he sent FIL for his birthday last week.

Then went very quiet when I laughed at the April Fools joke I assumed he was playing on me. Then left for work.

And I'm supposed to be cheerful and jolly for everyone else, about an event that does not thrill me in the least.

I spelled it out to him that the gift per se is not the big deal to me. What matters to me is the knowledge that he has put a lot of thought and consideration into it.

For example, he used to buy me earrings (virtually the only jewellery I wear), but stopped because our tastes are so different and I wasn't wearing them.

Yes, our tastes are different, but the reason I stopped wearing the stones was that we had a very active, challenging baby/toddler, who grabbed earrings and glasses, and I didn't want to lose them! So I wore my cheaper danglies that would slide out easily without hurting me.

I love the earrings dh has given me because I know that he would have researched, compared, considered - thought about me. He doesn't do spur-of-the-moment!

(Ironically, I'm wearing dh's earrings a lot ATM, because I'm working with an autistic child who will grab at danglies, but totally ignores studs!)

It's my birthday in the next few days and know in advance that there is a high chance DP will disappoint me on the actual day - I have made sure it will be a nice day though as I've booked a meal somewhere I enjoy and we are going away for the weekend in next few weeks - again I sorted this although I will expect him to pay his share
What I would really like is a card and a small gift on the day itself that I didn't have to prompt and remind about

sally on Mumsnet no-one is every allowed to make generalisations about men. In RL every woman I know does!

And no I don't live in a 1950s time warp or know lots of vacuous people.

I have lots of 45-50 year old ish male friends and yes most of them are a bit rubbish with birthdays amongst other things. Most of them need very strong hints.

Most of my RL friends say the same - most men I know in RL would also say the same!

Maybe there is a hidden gene that the rest of us don't know about?

It is not the case that men in general are crap.

It is however very likely that society permits men (as a class) to get away with being crap, and labels women (as a class) as demanding and enigmatic.

I'm glad you're feeling better, OP, and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel exasperated or disappointed that after twenty years he didn't instinctively know what to do.

I decided taking DP shopping today was the best move - he said he would rather I chose and he paid
So far a cashmere sweater and some perfume and some household bits
The flowers, chocs n whisky didn't need any prompting!!