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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think someone is being massively diddled here?

44 replies

TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 12:17

I will try to be concise

As this has imploded, the family's discussions are going nowhere- I'd like some other perspectives.

In short

A woman in her 60's has a business interest abroad.
She contacts all three of her DC as tells them that she has been swindled to the tune of roughy £135k and asks help from all three children to bail her out so she can finish the project (property renovation) and at least sell off what she's been left with.

Two DC refuse point blank and question her business acumen. On DC remortgages their home- goes on the project manage the entire thing for 18 months straight (going abroad for every weekend bar one or two at xmas)

The project is a success- it looks like it will make a profit.(it does- it makes £300k profit.

One DC(hild) who was a refuser to help mentions this is completely unfair as the properly is their birthright and would be left to them so they deserve at the very least a third of all profits made. The mother decides to repay the extra borrowing done by the child who did help and add some more money for travel expenses (all documented but that is all no money given for all the time project managing) The dc who helped is given no more as it is agreed by the mother that should be split evenly.

The dc who helped finds out (in error) the mother has given a 60k loan to one of the dc who refused to help (to help buy a but to let property- the other dc who refused to help (but mentions the birthright thing gets a similar amount to buy a house)

The dc who refused and mentioned the third spilt of all profits now no longer speak to the DC who helped and rescued the project turning it into profit. She will not speak to them or their wife children because she maintains they are mercenary and cash greedy.

Any opinions- its really having a negative effect.

OP posts:
RunnerOnTheRun · 31/03/2016 13:30

Wow, explain to her that you feel like you are best to stay quiet for fear of her "just not getting it" and that you want to move on from it all. She knows exactly why you are turning away, she knows she has been unfair.

She would have spent the same/similar bringing up all the DC??

A part of my family broke up because of money, many years ago, over funeral costs believe it or not! So sad.

PovertyPain · 31/03/2016 13:31

Fuck that. She did the same for the other two but THEY get help and as sure as anything she won't get that money back before she dies. In effect, they'll get and extra £60,000 each if it's divided equally. I know it's not supposed to be about the mobley but I would be seriously pissed at his family's attitude.

ThisIsPlanetEarth · 31/03/2016 13:35

I agree with centigrade- money does bring out the worst in people, especially in families. These other children have a cheek demanding money as their " birth right". It would probably be the same in my family, one sibling doesn't contact parents even though one is disabled but would be happy to take any money given out and has done so before. Do you still speak to the mother, does she know the other DC don't speak to you? Does she know how upsetting this is for you?

Original poster
TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 13:37

We were angry and Dh was hurt deeply- I've never seen him so bereft.

They are just not seeing it. We will not put in the time and energy pursuing it in court. The damage has been done and we are channeling our energy to build up our family

I posted in AIBU because she will not stop trying to initiate contact - she wants access to my dc and we just collectively want nothing to do with her anymore. Cut our losses, yes.

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Original poster
TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 13:40

Vivienne nothing was written- the mother has given loans before to my Dh included and it's all been paid back no problem.

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whois · 31/03/2016 13:43

The mother is a total bitch for taking advantage of the one DC who saved her skin. The others weren't entitled to any share of the house!

hownottofuckup · 31/03/2016 13:43

Shock your poor DH, what a massive kick in the teeth.
I think I would have to walk away too.

Original poster
TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 13:47

Shock she's done the wrong thing. She's an idiot but neither of us thinks she's a bitch.

We just have to protect ourselves.

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RunnerOnTheRun · 31/03/2016 13:49

Another aspect of it is that she may just think you are "fine"...the other 2 DC needed houses/home improvements, maybe you (like most of us) have always seemed secure and never want to ask anybody for anything.

Original poster
TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 13:59

Runner we are very sensible- I know this will sound far fetched but one of the DC in question has a 5 bed house, three cars and 18 buy to let properties- he has taken risks that have paid off and he is very hardworking. The other dc (birthright) now has two houses and is solvent.

We are the only family with dc.

I won't accept that if she ever uses that to explain why dh wasn't given what he was assured he would get. DMIL was days away from having all of it taken away from her- just to be clear.

I feel part of the thinking here is that my DH is the elder child and in the culture of the family the burden and responsibility and work lies with them- I still don't accept that. He's been shat on. We want peace. Leave us alone.

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PegsPigs · 31/03/2016 14:10

I can understand why you are protecting yourself and your family from being shafted again and cutting the DM off does ensure that. However, by protecting yourself in one way you're also hurting yourself in a different way. Your children will have no relationship with their GM and your DH will have no relationship with his DM.

I can also understand why the DM thinks you've overreacted. She can do whatever she wants with her money. You've got your money back haven't you? What she fails to to into consideration as to why your feelings are so strong is the unfairness of being there for her, shouldering the risk, the project management burden, time and effort as well as time away from the children thinking it would be worth it to share the profits. I would be hacked off that all I got was my money back for such a high risk 'investment'.

Now is the time to decide if you can get over her shafting you. She has behaved badly but is it worth forgiving her for the sake of the family? The birthright refusers can knob off in my opinion! Grin

Viviennemary · 31/03/2016 14:48

Before I cut ties completely in your position I would ask my DH to put in writing how massively hurt he is that she did not honour her promise to him and ask for whatever you feel a fair amount would be. . I could see you might be a bit peeved if the others got more than you but the fact you got nothing but your expenses is shocking. If no money was forthcoming I'd cut ties with the lot of them. But then I expect you'd lose out on any future inheritance. This probably sound really mercenary but no worse than the others.

VertigoNun · 31/03/2016 14:57

You are doing the right thing, they have odd ways that are not helpful to your nuclear family and only benefit your DH's extended family. Your dc come first.

OTheHugeManatee · 31/03/2016 14:58

Having heard a few more details YANBU. I doubt you will get redress now though. Sorry you have been so shat on and I don' blame you for cutting contact.

ShmooBooMoo · 31/03/2016 16:00

Helpful child = give and take.

Unhelpful children = take, take , take!

This about sums it up for me. I'd be upset if I were 'Helpful' child.

Original poster
TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 16:09

Yes shmoo
Sorry to keep back tracking and adding stuff
Many emails were exchanged where we put across our points and the result is she dismissed.

I'm not really upset that the DC don't see them- that relationship was very take take too. The DC get used as trophy children (pale skinned and impeccably mannered)

I find the whole thing toxic and would rather be without what we are owed and free, Dh feels the same. I also think it send out a bad example to my DC. I'd not want them to go back to people who screw them over.

I probably sound very harsh. I've cut off emotionally.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 31/03/2016 18:24

I'm usually surprised at how ready people are to cut ties with close family, but in this situation, yanbu.

The mother could clearly resolve this issue if she chose to stick to what had been agreed in the first place. If she chooses to go back on that agreement, then she also chooses the consequences of doing that.

You, your DH and your kids deserve better. It must be very hard for him though, if he is from the culture that I think he might be - cutting ties with mother probably not something done lightly. Sad

Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 18:38

Well, all ended for the best with it leading to you cutting her off. I wouldn't want someone in my life or my children's life who valued them for having pale skin.
Whatever the rights and wrongs of the money, fucking disgusting racist bitch can fuck right off Angry

Original poster
TomsBeard · 31/03/2016 18:42

Cabrihna, there were things that bothered me a lot but that I could overlook e.g. Her very outdated views. It was doable.

I'm feeling a bit better about resisting contact.

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