To ask how you would deal with this situation (DD friendship related)?

[LovelyLadyLoxley]

This will be long so I apologise in advance....

DD is 11 and in year 6. She has had a bit of a rough ride during the past few years at school and struggled with friendships. She is often treated like a bit of a scapegoat and seems to get a lot of children being horrible to her, as she is a gentle soul and quite shy and quiet.

In year 3 she was friends with Friend A, who basically bullied her throughout the school year, and made others not talk to her. Friend A regularly hit/kicked/pulled DD's hair and was unpleasant to her. Towards the end of the year A refused to speak to DD anymore and ditched her as a friend.

Year 4 was ok but then in year 5 she became friends with Friend B, who again treated her pretty shabbily and much the same way as friend A had done, and it just went on all year with DD being upset and not wanting to go to school because B was basically bullying her.

Now she is year 6 and is friends with Friend C, plus a group of other girls. Friend C lives next door to Friend A, and the mums are friends too. All has been fine until recently when Friend C started ignoring DD and excluding her from things, and making the other girls in DD's friendship group ignore her too. On the last day of term, Friend C brought in her party invitations and invited every single one of the other girls from their group but excluded DD and was really nasty to her all day and laughing at her as she wasn't invited.

One of the other girls sent DD a text yesterday morning saying that Friend C had started up a group online chat called 'Friend C's Party' and added everyone attending the party. This friend also sent DD several screenshots (which I know in itself was a shitty thing to do too), of Friend C bitching about DD and saying the reason that DD isn't invited to her party is because C's mum hates DD as she 'doesn't get on with anyone', and then quoted the examples of Friend A, Friend B and the friendship problem this year, and lots of other stuff saying that her mum thinks as a family we are common, and weird, and all kinds of other insults.

DD was really upset and actually I am pretty upset too. I've always chatted to C's mum as the girls have known each other since nursery and thought I got on ok with her. It might be that C is inventing it all but it just seems a bit much for a child to have invented, I don't know.

What would you do now? DH says I should send a text to C's mum and forward on the screenshots so she can find out how nasty her DD is being (Her DD is the type who everyone thinks is sweet and cute and never unkind), and also to let her know that I am aware of what she has said, if she said it, and then blank her forever more. I have to admit I am tempted to blank her for excluding DD from the party alone as I would never let my DCs just exclude one child from their group.

What would you do?

I'd send her mother the screenshots, please tell me your DD isn't going to the same senior schools as these nasty girls?

If the school has 'washed their hands of this' then the school has failed in their duty of care.

Right. The gloves are off now. Go to the governors, go to the LEA if no joy with the governors. YOu have evidence now and use it. To the hilt.

How vile those girls have been. I wouldn't go to the parents but straight to the PTB. There are policies in place for this stuff.

Honestly, bless your girl. This is such a vile thing for her to go through, and for so long. Bless her ((hug))

titchy has it completely right - and I say that as a teacher myself and the partner of a safeguarding officer at a secondary school.

That's not to say that the school will be any good at helping deal with it if they've dragged their heals before. But a good school would always want to try to work with the families in cases of bullying, cyber or otherwise.

Well, in the end I forwarded the screen shots to the mum, with a (very polite, restrained) text saying that I thought that she should know that her daughter had said these things.

The mum read the text, as it showed up as 'read' but didn't reply at all, so I'm thinking she probably did say those things.

I shall just blank her from now on, I don't think she deserves even a hello or an acknowledgement from me. Not too certain the school will be willing to do anything about it all, but I can at least make the point to the mum about it.

Crappy situation. I'd encourage dd to make friends outside of school through different youth groups/organisations. I made real friends who supported me even when school was utterly crappy with bullying

Well done for forwarding and shame on her for her graceless lack of response.

Will your daughter be at secondary school with the same cohort?

Are there outside school activities (sport, riding, theatre groups?) that your DD can join and make new, real friends far away from these awful bullies?

Are you in a position for her to have a course of counselling? Sometimes understanding that she did not cause this behaviour and working on self-confidence with a detached professional might give her some inner strength and a different perspective.

You sound like a lovely mum and those women who join in the 11-year ols spite are the common, nasty people in this scenario.

flowers

Year 6 is the worse for fall outs. It actually gets easier when they get into the big school. They tend to find one good friend and they stick together.
What you're describing op is not normal childish fallouts. All children have those.
Physical violence, social isolation. It's bullying. Please speak to the school. As you know this needs sorting out.
I see the mums are friends, too. Well were clique cunting adults are concerned. The apple never falls far from the tree.

I remember when my DD was in infant school. Her 2 friends mums. Where crawling up each others arse holes, in fact. It was very hard to establish where one finished and one begun, and here's the kicker. They'd wait outside the school gates, to walk into school together like 10 year olds. You couldn't make it up.

Please please report this to the school, this needs to be dealt with

I have also forwarded to screen shots to a parent - in a "have you seen this?" Type message.

She was great - banned her DD from social media - made her apologise - etc -

The mom was much more effective than the school.

I wouldn't worry about the current silence - give her chance to discuss it with her DD

Now - and this is important - tell your DD she has to be nice because they will use any ammunition against her - no comments - she can say "you're being unkind" but not "I hate you you're ugly" IUSWIM

No trace in any chats on line - even if she trusts the other child -

She must have one good friends who's looking out for her? Ok she was ill judged to send it - but she may be equally disgusted

I don't think children this age should have access to social media for this reason - it's just asking for trouble.

Whilst DD was in the receiving end - she learnt a lot about what not to do!

She is far more sensible online than her current peers where the fall out is bigger -

Do we allow it so they learn under supervision - or let them loose at them magic age?

Notcontent, DD is not on social media. The screenshots were sent in a text

Shit, this is appalling. Your poor dd. And poor you too.

Of course it is bullying and of couse the school have a part to play on tackling this. Based on others excellent advice....

Speak to school in strongest possible terms, you can find government guidelines on what school should be doing on one. I would be approaching Ofsted with this but before you do give school one last chance to do their job and try and help your dd!

These girls would not Ll be friends of it were not for school.

Personally, I would not send screen shots to the mum, initially, I would arrange a coffee with her and show them and explain what had happened. Very calmly. etc.

If you send them and she chooses to bury her head on sand and ignore you, you will feel get frustrated.

Of course it is bullying and of couse the school have a part to play on tackling this. Based on others excellent advice....

My DD (why girls?) was in a similar position in that Child A set up a Year 6 group - where each member was anonymous - all comments were made about a boy - boys mom found out (I assume same thing screen shots) and informed school - all children spoken too - however

I only know because one of the girls mom works at the school -

I have not been informed by school about this in any shape or form - DD assures me she didn't join in - but she didn't stop it either - she didn't report it - didn't stand up and say it was wrong - I thought more of her and was disappointed

My first bought is always "If my child did X would I want to know"? The answer is usually YES because I am the best person to deal with and guide my children -

On line not on one!

These girls would not be friends if it were not for school.

It so be affecting her school work, which I personally feel school listen to more than anything else but by now I would just be very angry and looking to make things really plain to school. They have screwed up here and need to help fix things!

I'd also look into counselling to make sure Dd does not feel any of this is her fault!

I'd also look for outside school clubs, check who goes so she doesn't't run into these awful girls again outside school.

Martial arts can be good at giving kids confidence BUT make sure the class is empowering and the teacher/instructor knows about bullying history. On some martial arts classes they are quite tough with kids and it would not help her. If in doubt avoid! (I do Taekwan-do and the instructor is a bit brutal at times!)

Codyking may I ask how you tackled this with your dd?

I think it is not too dramatic to point out that bullying can have devistating consequences for some and to ignore it is to collude with it (age appropriate language of course).

It was the first ish incident - I asked her what happened - and if she had written anything - she said no - I secretly asked her sister to look through her messages and "follow" her etc - I discovered who set it up - so I know it wasn't her - and she promised she hadn't written anything - all messages had been deleted at this stage - so I don't know -

I told her to think about how the boy felt - and that they are always found out because someone will break ranks - I also discussed how if o ever found anything again she would be banned from her iPad etc - and that she would have to apologise to who ever -

I have over heard her talking about another girl - she isn't liked by others by all accounts but hasn't done anything to upset DD - but that it's still unkind and she should try to include this girl at school in breaks etc - and not be part of any name calling or bitching -

I do think they get a bit caught up in a "gang" because it makes you feel good - but that should never be at the expense of others

Not sure what else I could do - as no current proof and I want to keep communication open

Oh OP, I feel for you and your DD.

My experience was that DS was bullied (social, verbal and physical) in Y4. School pretty rubbish until I wrote to them, cc-ed the chair of governors, and enclosed a copy of their own anti bullying policy, which I had high-lighted and annotated with issues relevant to my son's case. They came down on the bullying child like a ton of bricks - and it all stopped. But to be honest, my relationship with the school has never been quite the same again, as I feel they only took notice when I had to get a bit ' bullying' myself...But DS is now y7, and the resilience he learnt from this experience has been good. Nothing too scarring hope.

DD (10) is Y5 and had an episode of bullying from a former best friend at the beginning of the year. Friend has fork for being controlling, but just turned.
I had learned my lesson: no more verbal chats at the school door. Wrote a lovely 'more in sorrow than in anger' letter after a particularly bad incident, as I wanted something on file. The class teacher has been brilliant, lots of chatting to both girls, and 90% of hassle has stopped. It is still there, but again, it has made DD more resilient, and while less trusting and naive, also stronger and savvier. (Feel a bit sad typing that. The loss of innocence 🙁.)

As others have said, cyber bullying is a big conserns of schools, even when it takes place out of school, it's school community. Take in the screen shots, refer to the bullying since Y3, their anti-bullying policy and take minutes and offer to give them copies. Ask them for their action plan, what you could do to assist, and make an appointment to follow up on their/ your action plan.

Good luck- you sound like a lovely supportive mum, your DD is lucky to have you x

I will point out again - School still haven't said anything - to any of the parents - I find this really bad practise!

How are we supposed to be nurturing and supportive of we don't know?

That's crap that the mum hasn't responded to you. Hold your head high and keep your nerve!

I'd give the other mum a chance. She needs to talk to her dd, and probably her DP to decide how to deal with it before responding. I wouldn't text back another mum before checking the situation put.

Hmmm, she's had over 4 days to reply....

I think out of politeness she could at least have replied to my text just to acknowledge receipt of it. Plus it is all there in black and white on the screenshots. Surely it doesn't take that long to talk to her DD and DH?

Oh I didn't see that! Ignore me then - she's horrible! Definitely talk to the school but my main focus would be building resilience in my dd.

Have you got the Queen Bees and Wannabees book? It's useful on girl friendships.