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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get so wound up by a poorly moaning husband

49 replies

peppajay · 30/03/2016 18:53

My DH has been ill with cold cough sore throat etc since last Thursday. He is crap at being ill and I find it extremely hard to sympathise as he constantly moans about how I'll he is. He hasn't got up for 5 days as he feels so bad -he has a hacking cough but to me it sounds like a forced cough and if he would have a sip of drink instead of coughing I think it may stop him coughing. He has been crying in pain today he has seen 2 doctors who both said a virus and he had me phone 111 in the middle of the night - he has no temperature but lies in bed all day with a cold flannel on his head. He has panic attacks and wriggles around screaming he is going to die - he almost phoned 999 earlier until I stopped him. This has been going on for 5 days now and I can't cope with it -so I have phoned his mum -she has come and taken him straight to a and e and said she will kick up a fuss until they do something. He is a big wimp when he gets ill and that was the 4th time of calling 111 in the night as has happened a few times before. Surely it is just a virus and he can't be admitted for that. His mum has made me feel really mean now but i was at the end of my tether what to do!!

OP posts:

NeverNic · 30/03/2016 21:52

WTF?! Honestly I wouldn't feel bad about not taking it seriously. If it turns out to be something bad, then she's got it covered, and if not the hospital will either make him realise it's minor or will look at it as a psychiatric issue and may help you get him some help. His response is not a 'normal' one to an illness.

Tamesa · 30/03/2016 21:52

Once my OH had back ache and asked me what to do, I suggested a physiotherapist. Reasonable?
So he booked himself in for a private MRI scan because obviously he had a ruptured ulcer. He then obviously got potential radiation poisoning and asked me how I could let him do this to himself. I nearly left him.

My MIL bought him an encyclopaedia of ailments and the various tropical diseases he caught in deepest darkest Sw London was astounding. I threw it out after it got too surreal.
It took me 20 years to realise that a "thumping headache" was just a normal persons headache. I thought most men were like this and best ignored when they make a fuss.
Yanbu

corythatwas · 30/03/2016 22:03

I agree with Worra that "pathetic" is harsh, though otoh I don't think having panic attacks lets you off being considerate to other people or taking responsibility for dealing with the situation (have worked hard with dd over this).

lorelei9here · 30/03/2016 22:08

I'm confused
If he is genuinely having panic attacks that is a problem, I have low blood pressure and it's give stratospheric during panic attacks

But then I'm not clear if he's putting it on?

My dad isn't a whinger but he was hospitalised with pneumonia two weeks ago. If mum hadn't panicked and called out of hours he might have been much more ill than he has been. hes 78 though! You don't think you've underestimated the illness?

lorelei9here · 30/03/2016 22:10

Gone not give!

NeverNic · 30/03/2016 22:16

BTW can you please update us on this? I'm really intrigued as to whether he was having an atypical reaction, or he actually is this ill. (Though as an adult who thought he was dying, I have to wonder why he didn't take himself to hospital)

Noofly · 30/03/2016 22:31

Wow, I thought my DH was bad but he pales in comparison to yours, OP. I had a bad cold a couple of weeks ago. I still managed to function even though I felt crap. DH had it last week and he took to his bed for three days. He just spent his time feeling sorry for himself and moaning that I hadn't warned him how bad this cold was.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2016 22:38

Have you posted about this before OP?

Not sure if it's my imagination but I remember a very similar thread a while back.

lorelei9here · 30/03/2016 22:38

I just thought, he was crying in pain....where was the pain coming from?

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/03/2016 22:45

Lets just hope that he treats you with the same sympathy when you are ill.

Original poster

peppajay · 30/03/2016 23:16

Apparently A and E were really good and reassured him is just a virus. No obvious sign of a throat or chest infection but they can't understand how he feels so illwith out a temperature. When he his well again they suggest he sees his GP about tests for an autoimmune deficiency. He is staying at his mum's tonight as I am exhausted over dealing with him and now my son has a cough and high temp so will prob be up with him all night. His mum text me 20 mins ago to say she doesn't know what to do as he keeps saying over and over how ill he feels. Apparently when he was a kid he was always I'll with some virus or cold and his mum was constantly at the doctors with him. So he either just has an extremely low pain threshold, or he has some problem with his immune system or is just a wimp!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2016 23:19

Or he has a mental health issue.

TendonQueen · 30/03/2016 23:20

At least he's over there. He sounds like he needs a stern talking to from a doctor about not wasting resources.

grumpysquash3 · 30/03/2016 23:25

What tests did they do at A&E?

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2016 23:26

He has panic attacks and wriggles around screaming he is going to die

Generally he is very fit on a normal day to day basis but he has huge panic attacks when he is ill and he often gets Ill

Is his GP aware of this problem?

LittleBearPad · 30/03/2016 23:30

How odd. Hope you get a decentish sleep tonight.

lorelei9here · 30/03/2016 23:34

Sorry to ask again but pain from...?

Beginning to think psychological issue here.

Hope your DC feels better and that you get some sleep.

NeverNic · 31/03/2016 00:08

OP thanks for the update. I'd be on to your GPs to get a non emergency appointment in a week or two for him, and go with him. I think your perspective could be very helpful to them in terms of how he reacted. Either as 'proof' he was in pain, or so that they know about his anxiety with it.

Good luck to both you and your mil with your patients. Hope the night isn't too bad

EveryoneElsie · 31/03/2016 00:23

Making a huge fuss is not having a panic attack .If he was actually having a panic attack he would get himself to the hospital.

I'd insist he goes for CBT.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 31/03/2016 00:26

Absolutely ridiculous.
Not to mention a complete waste of NHS RESOURCES.'
Tell him to man up op
for you

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2016 00:34

Some people are just manipulative and often these people use illness or percieved vulnerability in order to manipulate.

People winding them up,having expectations of them, challenging negitive behaviour, not doing what they want or them just trying to achieve a goal tend to be things that set them off.

What's going on in the background that appears to be unrelated to his health?

corythatwas · 31/03/2016 12:46

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes Thu 31-Mar-16 00:26:46

"Absolutely ridiculous.
Not to mention a complete waste of NHS RESOURCES.'
Tell him to man up op"

If it is a mental health issue (and I am beginning to suspect that it is) then telling him to man up probably isn't going to do it, any more than if he was hallucinating or vomiting.

EveryoneElsie Thu 31-Mar-16 00:23:36

"Making a huge fuss is not having a panic attack .If he was actually having a panic attack he would get himself to the hospital. "

Are you sure? Dd once lost an hour in the tube late at night during a panic attack: had no idea what was going on and nearly missed the last train home; no way would she have taken herself to a hospital. Ime panic attacks can take all sorts of shapes.

But as an adult you absolutely have a responsibility to deal with the problem yourself, longterm, not just dump on others.

A shame that his mother isn't helping: I suppose she would try to undermine you, OP, if you did suggest MH issues

53rdAndBird · 31/03/2016 12:56

Really sounds like a mental health issue. Having panic attacks and screaming that you're going to die just isn't a normal reaction to normal illness.

(Unless it's a specific thing he says happens - like his head always hurts, or something? But if it's just "any time I feel ill it makes me panic and terrified I'm dying", he needs to at least consider tackling it from a MH perspective.)

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/03/2016 13:54

I think he needs to see his GP about anxiety.

Panic attacks are horrendously scary and I've had them to the point of feeling sick, crying, stomach ache and the shakes.

CBT and a citalopram worked for me. I had six sessions of therapy on the NHS and they gave me some techniques to use when I felt anxious (I couldn't afford to continue with private counselling).

I haven't been in therapy for two years and I've not had a panic attack since, as I've got some coping methods to help when I can feel one coming. I also came off the meds eighteen months ago.

Please get him to go and talk to someone, it'll change his life.

for you, though. I imagine it's not easy.

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