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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Household bills and DP

47 replies

C0C0 · 30/03/2016 13:52

We are on a low income/tight budget and I organise all the bills and ask that DP gives me £100 per week (he earns cash) towards the bills otherwise there is just not enough to cover everything.

Now he doesn't do this unless I actually ask and then just £20 at a time so I have to ask a bit. I find it really hard to budget/plan like this. He will buy things for himself that are not essential then moans there is no food (he means easy food that doesn't need much prep/cooking) to eat and that he has to buy his own food out which is more expensive.

I have started just cooking for me and DCs as I used to make dinners for him too and he would not reheat them when he got in late (he works odd hours - rarely here at dinnertime), my cooking is great BTW as I am a trained chef so I make things that can be reheated easily, its not like I make rubbish and he buys his own food/petrol station food etc. a lot on the way home.

We have substantial arrears on the utilities because of this and I am just so fed up of asking for money from him so I expect they will install prepayment meters like they have been threatening. It shouldn't be like this.

Anyway sorry rambling a bit, he should just contribute towards the household bills without me having to ask constantly, right?

OP posts:

Original poster

C0C0 · 30/03/2016 16:01

He also sleeps in the spare room which was meant to be for when he had to get up very early (3/4am) but he is also doing it on his days off. We do have sex but then he goes back to the spare room as he says he sleeps better there (I also sleep better alone but I miss the cuddles etc.).

He only pays for his mobile and car insurance out of his bank, everything else comes out of mine. We rent from my family and we are also often late with rent and I am so embarrassed as its my family but he just says we will pay it when we can and they will have to wait. So I have been really scrimping trying to make sure the rent gets paid on time as this is my first priority but he is so not bothered it drives me mad.

Yes £400 a month is not asking much, it is what he would have to pay to live in just a shared house anyway.

OP posts:

Inertia · 30/03/2016 16:07

It sounds like you'd be financially better off chucking him out , claiming maintenance and getting a lodger.

OhForTheLoveOfGin · 30/03/2016 16:09

Do you enjoy being in a relationship with him?

Stormtreader · 30/03/2016 16:19

Oh, so he thinks hes back as a teenager living with his mum, where he can bung in some spare money whenever. Its not as if the bill collectors are going to chase him, everythings in your name so theyre not really his bills are they? And he has sex on tap in the other room if he fancies it. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal for him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2016 16:19

So sorry C0C0, but it really sounds to me as if he has detached himself from you and the children already . He won't pay towards the household costs (his excuses are just that, excuses to fob you off a bit longer) and he chooses to sleep apart. Your home is his flophouse.

I think the time has come that the spare room is no longer his - he needs to move out completely. With him out of the house, you may well qualify for benefits which will actually leave you better off. Or you could get a lodger that will actually pay for their room.

Original poster

C0C0 · 30/03/2016 16:21

Not lately no Gin, I don't feel happy with him anymore and feel like I am walking on eggshells as he can be very moody and distant lately - don't know what's going on with him - I have asked - he just says he's stressed.

OP posts:

Original poster

C0C0 · 30/03/2016 16:22

No the bills and tenancy, everything in both our names, if he were to move out he would go and live with his parents I reckon and be even better off.

OP posts:

8angle · 30/03/2016 16:27

He is taking the piss - he says he is stressed yet all he is doing is stressing you. He takes no responsibility for himself or his family. You are providing him a home (renting from your family) and you are a full service skivvy (cooking, cleaning, child care, admin and sex!) and get nothing in return - not even any respect.

littleleftie · 30/03/2016 16:28

The point is OP I think you would be better off, in every way imaginable, if he fucked off and went back home to his mummy.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/03/2016 16:32

You are no longer happy the reason does not matter.

Original poster

C0C0 · 30/03/2016 16:38

Yes, he is a grown man 35 years old acting like a teenager, he also leaves me little "presents" on the bathroom floor (socks/underwear etc.) so yes just like a teenager. My DS who will be a teenager soon is tidier than him!

I did actually say I wanted to break up a while ago and he said he wouldn't move out and leave our DD and if he did he would have her 5 days and me 2 days a week as he couldn't cope with seeing her just 2 days a week. My DS goes to his Dads every weekend so thats why he thinks that would happen. I said perhaps we could do 50/50 then but don't think he wouldn't actually go for that as that would involve responsibility and taking her to school etc.

Anyway he talked me round and said things would be better and he would make more effort on us but it hasn't happened he is even more distant now.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 30/03/2016 16:56

Ah, the old "if you leave me then I'll take the kids."

He wouldnt really want full-time responsibility for her 5 days a week, hes just trying to scare you into staying with the threat of it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/03/2016 17:09

Interesting that he thinks one sibling going to her other parents at the weekends means it's more likely that you would only have the other sibling during that time.

Siblings who usually live under the same roof have rights to retain that relationship unless doing so is not in their best interests.

Get your family member to evict him then give you a sole tenancy.

8angle · 30/03/2016 17:13

He can't even look after himself let alone a child - i wouldn't worry about him "taking the children away!"
You gave him a chance, he squandered it, take back your respect.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2016 17:14

"but it hasn't happened he is even more distant now."
Confirming that he has indeed already checked out of your relationship . So sorry C0C0, but Stormtreader is right - 'I'll take the kids away from you' is a tactic so old it's a cliche. And mainly used by men who would have a panic attack if expected to care for a child for more than an hour.

So, he said things would be better and they're not. It really is time for him to move out and for you to move on. This is a horrible life for you to be living, and frankly it is a horrible home environment for your children. You say your DS is around 12 - what sort of relationship behaviour is this modelling to him? That when he has a partner, this is how he is supposed to treat her and what she is supposed to put up with? And your daughter - that she should be responsible for everything and put up with shit? You and you partner are establishing 'what is normal' for your children. IS this how you want their life to be?

Original poster

C0C0 · 11/04/2016 19:10

Just wanted to update: he has now moved out since Saturday and I just feel so relieved. He basically put up no fight when I said it was over last Thursday and please move out, in fact he readily agreed which has surprised me.

Thanks for all your comments, they helped give me the push I needed to get out of this unhappy relationship that I could not see getting any better!

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2016 12:19

I'm so glad for you C0C0, especially that you feel relieved. Such a big life change can so often leave us feeling panicked so that we blindly cling to a relationship that is no longer good for us. There may be emotional bumps for you ahead - he may decide to dick you about, you may feel adrift, that sort of thing. Hopefully not. But if there are, MN is always here for venting/sympathy/advice/companionship. Best wishes.

AyeAmarok · 12/04/2016 14:12

Good for you COCO, you've done the right thing. Be very proud of yourself.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2016 14:23

Good for you, C0C0. Onwards and upwards.

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2016 02:29

He is grown man, he knows the score nobody needs to sit down and tell him anything. I would absolutely not take on the "Mother" role and sit him down try to monitor and regulate his finances, teach him how to budget - its not your job and you will get zero respect for it, nor will he have a lightbulb moment "oooh I somehow grew into adulthood and managed to start a family with you, with no idea of money and budgets at all, its lucky you have arrived to teach me". Furthermore - who is to say he would listen to you anyway? Factoring in that he's mean and wants you to "carry", then Id say your chances of him bothering to listen to you are next to nothing

The fastest route to a woman finding herself in poverty in life - a mother, at that - is to throw her lot in with a financial disaster of a man and then, as the situation becomes ever more apparent, to remain with him. Its a huge dis-service to yourself, and to your children.

Personally I don't think any man is worth that. No way. Id rather kick him out and get a lodger. Less stress and angst.

GarlicShake · 13/04/2016 03:17

OMG, well done!!!!

I'm delighted to tell you I was wrong about you Now you cook, plan & budget for you and DC. You sound extremely competent. I'm sure your family will be an oasis of peace & light from here on (mostly, anyway.)

And no more socks randomly appearing on the bathroom floor :)

MistressDeeCee · 13/04/2016 10:52

How odd - I didnt see your comment before I posted mine, and read thru whole page. Anyway OP thats good, hope you are feeling OK about everything, takes some time to get used to at times. Treat yourself if you can, and then go on with your life look forward to it

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