to not feel guilty for not lending the money?

[Timeforanamechangy]

I have a friend who I have known for many years, she's never been well off but the last few years she's been signed off with medical issues and hasn't been able to work.

As such she is quite short on money and will occasionally ask to borrow some from me. It has always small amounts and I didn't mind lending it to her as long as I got it back.

Things escalated recently and she started asking to borrow more and more, sometimes 2 requests a week, always smallish amounts but totalling about £300, which is not an insubstantial amount of money for me as I'm on a low income myself.

Her most recent reasons for asking have mostly been to do with her stepdad - he's got cancer, he doesn't have long left to live, he's been taken to hospital in etc etc and she's needed the money to get to the hospital and go and see him (she doesn't drive and I live 4hrs away from her).

I have lent her quite a lot now and am getting irritated by the fact she still has not paid me back anything out of the recent loans shes had, so when I got another message asking for £20 to buy back her tablet from a shop (cash converters type place), I was feeling less than willing to part with my money but I agreed on the provision that I couldn't lend her any more. She agreed and I tranferred the money to her account.

About 5 mintues later I got another message saying DSDad had been rushed to hospital again and could I lend her more to get there. At this point I had had enough and told her no. I got a slightly sarky response back along the lines of Ok, thanks anyway, I guess I'll have to walk then and it'll take me ages. She has messaged me again this afternoon saying that her DSDad has actually passed away.

Aibu to not feel guilty that I didn't lend her even more than I already had done? Obviously I'm very sorry for her loss but I had lent her money already that day and much more besides and as far as I'm concerned getting to the hospital should have been her priority. She asked me for more money only minutes later so its not possible she had already spent it. Or should I feel guilty that me not lending her the extra money meant she potentially didn't get to say goodbye to her stepdad? I'm not sure how I feel or how I should feel tbh.

[FluffyPersian]

Roussette - It sounds so similar to my 'friend'. One of my other friends had renamed her to 'MGF' (Money Grabbing Friend) and suggested that she had me at a disadvantage because I was embarrassed about asking her for money back or causing a scene.

When I worked away from home (same place as where she went to Uni), we went out to dinner and I deliberately only took cash - no cards (Well, I actually hid one in my sock, but she didn't know that ). Sure enough, when the bill came she said, 'Oh can you pay? I'll give you the money back?'

I said no, I've only got cash.. and the LOOK she gave me 'But you always carry cards' 'My wallet was stolen so I had to go to the bank and just got some cash out' so she said 'Well in that case you can pay for both of us in cash and I'll give it back to you later?' I said 'I literally only have £25 on me... LOOK!'

She started getting really, really aggressive 'Well, what do you expect me to do?' 'How am I going to pay for this?' I said it was her problem and considering she was the one who suggested dinner, I thought she could pay for it. She said 'Well, I will go to the cashpoint and get money out then' and I thought she might leave me to pay the whole bill, so I said to the waiter 'Here's half of it from me, I'm leaving now, I'll walk my friend to the cashpoint... Gertrude, why don't you leave your driving licence with the waiter as collateral?'

Honestly.. the looks my friend gave me as if it was MY fault...

Funnily enough, she didn't have any money in her account! She had to phone up her parents (at the age of 27) and ask for them to transfer money into her account......

I do wonder if she's got any better or if she found another mug to leech off - I've not spoken to her in 4 years so have no idea!

[Roussette]

fluffy awful! Honestly, I just can't believe some people. Is it entitlment or brass neckedness or what... Your 'friend' obviously expected you to pay, it's the assumption of that that gets me.

And naice people find it really really awkward to remind someone they owe you money. Even now I do, but I don't let it go, I just bite the bullet and say it whilst inwardly cringeing

[dogsnotsprogs]

Are you certain her SDad has actually died or has been ill at all ? Has there been anything about it on Facebook? Have you spoken to her mum/rest of her family?

Ensure you get your £300+ back and then don't speak to her again. Cut her off, and do not feel guilty.

[Timeforanamechangy]

Dogs I was a bit suspicious at one point but it has been all over hers, her dsis' and her mum's fb pages so unfortunately he was genuinely ill and has passed away.

Given that though, I don't know how long to leave it until I start asking for it back - if I go in too soon I run the risk of appearing really insensitive and horrible and will most likely piss her off, giving her the perfect 'excuse' not to pay me!

I promised myself after the last lot of loans (which she did eventually pay back) that I wouldn't do it again. Obviously I got sucked it again because I felt bad about her DSDad being ill but I'm really genuinely not going to lend to her again. I can't risk not getting it back again and I need my savings for other things :/

[Lweji]

I don't think there will be a good time to ask for it back.
And I doubt she'll pay back when she realises the source has dried up. At least part of it.

[Roussette]

Perhaps you could ask her "when would be a good time to ask about the money you have promised to repay?"

That is mirroring what she last said to you. If she doesn't reply, I would leave it a week and say "Having left it a week since my last text, I now need my money repaid. Please reply within 24 hours because it is imperative I receive it and I will need to take advice on its reclaimation if I don't hear from you"

[ovenchips]

I think Lweji is right about risk that if source dries up=non-repayment at all.

Might be a good time to start some damage limitation? You probably won't get whole amount back but is there a chance that if you lent her one or two smaller amounts it would give better odds of her repaying a larger proportion of the debt? I would think back to when she repaid and maybe follow same 'formula' in hope she does same thing.

I know it seems ridiculous to give her a penny more and it's certainly not because she deserves it, but it might ensure best chance of her paying more of it back.

Unfortunately, if she thinks you aren't going to give her anymore ever, she could very easily write you and her debt off.

[SlimCheesy]

Like others on this thread I have known some extraordinary freeloaders too, but your 'friend' OP is nasty and manipulative.

You just lose respect for people like that.

[Spandexpants007]

Send her a condolence card about her father.

Then wait till 6 weeks after his death and then say that you really need the cash back.

[Roussette]

6 weeks? I would not be waiting 6 weeks, that is time enough for her to forget about it and move on and away from the OP. I would keep this fresh in her mind so she realises you aren't going away until she has repaid her debt.

[expatinscotland]

Do not give her any more money! I think Lweji is right. I'd leave it a month. But I doubt you'll get anything.

[Lweji]

Just to clarify, I don't think you should lend her anything. I just wouldn't make it clear that she won't see any more money from me.
I'd say something like being tight myself and not being able to lend her any more cash until she repaid what she owned me.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

TBH I think it's a hopeless cause - if you ask too soon she'll call you callous, if you leave it a while she'll claim you weren't supportive enough over her loss, if you were foolish enough to lend any more you'd lose that too, and if you refuse her next request ("I can't afford to get to the funeral"??) she'll write you off anyway

Personally I'd send a sympathy card, then cut her off completely and consider it a lesson learned

[mummyto2monkeys]

Are you absolutely sure that her mum and sister are real? I would not put it past her making up fake profiles and elaborate stories to get what she wants. Does she have a gambling or drug addiction? This is all sounding very fake to me. Alarm bells rang when she said he was at home, that's funny because she had previously lied by saying he was in hospital. Dying patients don't get released home from hospital. She is lying and spinning such a huge web of lies that I honestly would not believe her if she said the sky is blue and the grass was green.

She is obviously a con woman, I would be keeping copies of all of her texts and if you don't get your money back I would contact the police and ask for advice. Con artists tend to have several sources of money coming in and if she is exploiting you she is likely exploiting someone else. Ask yourself, what do you get from this friendship? I'm guessing zilch!

I would be demanding my money back by the Friday, I wouldn't care if it made me look callous, rather look callous than like a fool which is what she has been treating you like.

[bibliomania]

In all honesty, I think she was asking and asking for more money in the expectation that at some point you'd say "no", and she could then go off in a huff and refuse to repay. Her "mourning" will just make that even easier. I'd brace yourself for not seeing much of your £300 ever again.

[parmalilac]

You were not insensitive, that's a lot to lend to someone in less than a month. Agree with other posters, wait a decent interval then ask for repayment, maybe suggest instalments of so much per week. Not sure you can continue to be friends though even if you get the money ... had something similar. Friends (couple) once asked me for a loan to pay for some urgent repairs to house, which was urgent, then found out they'd spent it on a holiday instead. I did eventually get it back but we aren't friends anymore!

[Mousefinkle]

1. NEVER lend her or any friend money again. If you have money you can live without and you know a friend is really struggling, by all means give them something as a gift if you so wish but never lend it. If someone is really struggling chances are you'll never see that money again so if it's money you can't afford to lose KEEP IT IN YOUR PURSE.
   
2. she is not a friend. At all. You're just her cash cow. It always amazes me how people have the audacity. If I (or anyone with a remote conscience...) asked someone for money it would be out of utter desperation and I'd be as apologetic for asking as possible and feel guilty, even if I knew they had it.
   
3. no means no. Do not feel guilty. You have gone above and beyond for this woman, she's just taking the Royal piss. What does she do for you exactly?? What do you gain from this 'friendship'? Is she a super supportive friend to have? doubt it. Block her number. She lives miles away, it's hardly like you'll be awkwardly bumping into her regularly and even if you did, so what.
   Finally it sounds like she has some kind of addiction. Drugs, alcohol, gambling.. There's something amiss. Sometimes people struggle between pay days and ask someone they care about for help which I understand but she's asking for so much money regularly, this isn't someone simply struggling to buy food and pay bills between pay days. Don't underestimate the levels an addict will go to to get whatever it is they're hooked on. They will say anything. You opened Pandora's box the first time you lent her money, she knows she can get free and easy money from you. Close the lid, walk away.

[228agreenend]

Did you get any money on Friday?

[StopBoasting]

Can you just tell that you don't have any spare. You can be sympathetic and polite. £300 is a lot of money.

[Timeforanamechangy]

No I didn't 228 :/ She actually asked me for more money today - she was quite ill a little while back and ended up needing an operation and the wound hasn't healed properly. She said she needed money to get to hospital and she didn't want to bother her mum. I said no and told her she should call an ambulance if it was that bad (said in a nice way btw).

She said it wasn't bad enough for an ambulance and wanted to get a taxi there but I still said no. Feeling a bit grumpy atm with the constant asking for loans as I'm working my arse off going into work with a chest infection because I can't afford not to so I'm buggered if I'm going to give her all my hard earned money!

[Kummerspeck]

Just tell her you are struggling yourself and have no more money to lend even if you wanted to. She does not know your finances and you don't have to tell her. She may be more inclined to repay if she thinks you have nothing than if she thinks you don't need it

Don't feel guilty, you have loaned her more than most of us would have

[BMW6]

Next time she asks for money, tell her you are pissed off with the constant requests for cash that you work hard for! Tell her straight that you will not be lending or giving her any more money until she has repaid the money already lent to her (white lie - even if she does repay, stop lending any more).

She is taking the piss out of you, am furious on your behalf.

[calzone]

How much does she now owe you?

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh FFS! She has some nerve, doesn't she? Wow!!

I agree with BMW6. But I think it's time to draw the proverbial line in the sand and tell this 'friend' that you will not be lending her any more money, ever, AND that you expect her to repay the money she owes you within the next 30 days. IMO if you force the issue by telling her that you are no longer her personal ATM you'll see exactly what this friendship is based on (at least on her part).

[houseeveryweekend]

I know its difficult because I hate confrontation myself and really want to please people, also suffer massively with guilt so am easily manipulated, BUT you aren't doing either her or yourself any favours by allowing this to go on. Its not doing her any good because deep down she will be feeling humiliated and resentful by constantly asking. Its not doing you any good because you simply cant afford to be giving this money and you will end up feeling used. Its a bad dynamic you've both got trapped in and you need to put your foot down and establish some boundaries. Its not really just her fault that shes asking you for money as you have always given her money before and as she needs money she will naturally think of you. Im not saying that that is right but just that its something you've kind of set up. So I don't think you can be angry with her for trying. But you can make the decision to stop this now. Make sure that you don't waver and fall back into it. Don't lend her any more money for any reason at all and stand by that. Shell probably be a bit hostile to begin with but in the end it will do your friendship the world of good! Shell respect both you and herself more in the end.