to not feel guilty for not lending the money?

[Timeforanamechangy]

I have a friend who I have known for many years, she's never been well off but the last few years she's been signed off with medical issues and hasn't been able to work.

As such she is quite short on money and will occasionally ask to borrow some from me. It has always small amounts and I didn't mind lending it to her as long as I got it back.

Things escalated recently and she started asking to borrow more and more, sometimes 2 requests a week, always smallish amounts but totalling about £300, which is not an insubstantial amount of money for me as I'm on a low income myself.

Her most recent reasons for asking have mostly been to do with her stepdad - he's got cancer, he doesn't have long left to live, he's been taken to hospital in etc etc and she's needed the money to get to the hospital and go and see him (she doesn't drive and I live 4hrs away from her).

I have lent her quite a lot now and am getting irritated by the fact she still has not paid me back anything out of the recent loans shes had, so when I got another message asking for £20 to buy back her tablet from a shop (cash converters type place), I was feeling less than willing to part with my money but I agreed on the provision that I couldn't lend her any more. She agreed and I tranferred the money to her account.

About 5 mintues later I got another message saying DSDad had been rushed to hospital again and could I lend her more to get there. At this point I had had enough and told her no. I got a slightly sarky response back along the lines of Ok, thanks anyway, I guess I'll have to walk then and it'll take me ages. She has messaged me again this afternoon saying that her DSDad has actually passed away.

Aibu to not feel guilty that I didn't lend her even more than I already had done? Obviously I'm very sorry for her loss but I had lent her money already that day and much more besides and as far as I'm concerned getting to the hospital should have been her priority. She asked me for more money only minutes later so its not possible she had already spent it. Or should I feel guilty that me not lending her the extra money meant she potentially didn't get to say goodbye to her stepdad? I'm not sure how I feel or how I should feel tbh.

[YouTheCat]

There are procedures and stuff. They can't just leave a dead man in a house.

Definitely don't give her any more money.

[KirstyJC]

She can't use this as leverage to get more money if you don't give it to her! Just tell her no and then block. What are you losing from never hearing from her again apart from more debt? Her family can bail her out or she can go without. She has gone way past taking the piss. Sad about her DSD but nothing to do with her using you as a free cash machine.

[Gobbolino6]

You don't need to feel guilty, and you need to never lend money to this manipulative, disrespectful person again. She doesn't give a monkey's about you.

[Crabbitface]

You say you don't want to throw a friendship away over money - but from what you have said this doesn't sound like a friendship. All you are throwing away is your money!!

[Gatehouse77]

There are very few people I'd lend money to, including family.

Have to say, your 'friend' doesn't come across as a friend at all. To all appearances she sounds like someone who sees you as her personal ATM.

Don't lend her anymore money. Don't let her make you feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. Any anger or shitiness on her behalf is her, most likely, projecting her feelings about herself on you.

[MadSprocker]

I am of the same opinion as YoutheCat.

[Roussette]

Don't lend her any more but act all pleasant until you get your £300 back. Then cut her off. From what you have said about her, she is no friend. What has she ever done for you?

[LeaLeander]

She sounds like a manipulative con woman taking advantage of your kindhearted nature.

Let her family take up a collection if she needs money for transportation. it is not your problem to solve.

If she's using a pawnshop AND hitting you up for money (I think hundreds of pounds is a lot) AND spending all of her income AND borrowing from who knows where - do you think she is gambling or otherwise frittering it away on something addictive? The escalation sounds that way.

There are social services she can tap for the basics of survival. You need to protect your own income and your own security. You are not a bad person for making yourself a priority.

[Dustyantique]

Crikey OP.

As it was all on the same day I would take the view that since she had the presence of mind to text you rather than be focussed on her loss and grieving, this suggests to me that his death was not sufficiently traumatic to her for her not to be focussed on rebuking you, and indeed cynically using his death in that rebuke.

Not the actions of a very nice person. Hope you get your money back.

[Dustyantique]

That sounds convoluted.... I hope it makes sense!

[AcrossthePond55]

I have a couple of friends that I would loan money to with no second thoughts as I know I'd be repaid within two weeks. The only reason they'd ask me is if they had an emergency between paydays. But these are the friends that are the least likely to ever ask for it because they're also the ones with credit and a bit of a 'rainy day' fund.

I have other friends that I would give money to if I would never miss it. But I wouldn't lend these friends a penny because I know I'd never get it back.

I think you should probably just write off the money you've lent so far as IMO you'll never get it back.

[Stillunexpected]

How can her DSD have apparently been in hospital at approx 1 p.m., then dead and back in his house shortly afterwards and now needing to be removed? If he was in hospital, he would have done from the hospital to the funeral home. Obviously it is sad that he has died but it sounds as if she is tripping herself up with lies in her cynical attempts to get more money from you.

[Damselindestress]

You have already lent her £300 you will probably never see again even though you are on a low income yourself. YANBU not to lend her any more. Just tell her you don't have it. She is using you. Her story doesn't make sense. First her step dad was at the hospital, now she says he's at home. What happened to the money you gave her for the tablet? She was asking for more minutes later so couldn't have spent it already. She could have used that to go and see him instead. Why won't any of her family give her money or a lift since it's a family emergency? I'm not saying she's definitely lying, she might not be thinking clearly as it's a difficult time, but she might be lying as a lot doesn't add up. I wouldn't accuse her but I wouldn't give her any more money either. Give her sympathy but not money, make it clear you have no more to give.You may have to distance yourself from the friendship but it doesn't sound like you have much to lose their except the money, which she probably won't pay back anyway.

[Dustyantique]

Oh yes Still I missed that about him being in the house!

MsBorrower is telling lies it would seem? That would be my assumption. I can't think of another explanation.

[hefzi]

"I'm so sorry to hear about your SD. Unfortunately, I have no money left, as I told you, so am unable to lend you any more until you have repaid the £300 you have borrowed already this month" Or if you feel too guilty to do that, go for the "as I told you: I already have to walk to work between now and payday as I have lent you the money I would have used for petrol/bus etc"

Then download Phone Warrior and block her for a few days until she stops hassling every five minutes. Next week, text her to arrange setting up a repayment plan. If you have no response to that, send her a letter before action threatening her with the small claims court, in the hope she takes you a bit more seriously them.

You're honestly not throwing a friendship away over money: you've already said she cba to make an effort to see you when you're there, and she is seriously taking the piss with her current attitude, even without the fact she clearly is embroidering the truth when it comes to the timeline of events etc. You may well not get the money back (sorry): but this really isn't a friendship, and you sound like a lovely person - you really deserve more

[Timeforanamechangy]

That's ok Dusty I know what you mean

Tbh, I wouldn't be surprised if I never got it back. Which was why I was reluctant to lend it in the first place

[TheBouquets]

If the DSDad died in the hospital an ambulance would not be allowed to take him back home. If he had died in the ambulance they would carry on to the hospital for a Dr (rather than a paramedic) to certify death. Again he would not be returned home in an ambulance. He would be taken from the hospital by Undertakers to their facilities and would need certain things done before he would be taken back to the house if that is what the family wanted. I have only once seen a death at home where the undertakers carried out their work in the house. I think that you are being spun a tale concerning the events of the DSDad's death (if he is dead at all and if it all happened today)
This person has been taking advantage of your good and kind nature and I do agree with others that she is likely involved in some kind of addiction. The addicted people do not care what lies they tell as long as they achieve whatever it is they are addicted to.
It is sad but I think you are going to have to think about writing off this money and block her out of your phone etc.
Sorry you have been put through this.

[littleleftie]

OP, I am so sorry but this "friend" is taking the piss out of you big style.

She is never going to pay you back what you already lent her. If I were you I would block her number and move on.

Second time I have had to post this in recent days - you should never lend what you cannot afford to lose.

[Timeforanamechangy]

She amended her story slightly to say that he was having difficulty breathing and so they called an ambulance, they tried to resuscitate him but unfortuntately he passed away.

[Timeforanamechangy]

She has also just messaged to say that she will pay me back but that now isn't the right time. Which is about what I expected. So I guess I'm not getting anything on Friday or ever

Well, we'll see, I do hope she is ok and her DM is ok but I also hope that she doesn't forget her promise to me.

[coveredinhopeandvaseline]

She's a liar and a con artist. You are not losing anything but money (which you were never likely to get back) by dropping her like a hot potato.

[clam]

Never lend any money to anyone unless you're resigned to the possibility of never having it returned. So, view it as you would a gift. Are you willing to give her more money, over and above what you've already given?

[bushtailadventures]

Please don't lend her any more money, no matter what sob story she comes out with. If her stepdad passed away at home then surely her family will be around and can provide lifts or money?

I have a 'friend' who only really bothers with me when she needs to borrow money, it's like once I said 'Yes' the first time, she only ever asks me, and she always has a plausible reason as to why she's late paying me back. I'm learning to say 'no' more now, but it's a hard lesson when you are usually the helpful one.

[gamerchick]

Yeah you're not getting that money back.