to not feel guilty for not lending the money?

[Timeforanamechangy]

I have a friend who I have known for many years, she's never been well off but the last few years she's been signed off with medical issues and hasn't been able to work.

As such she is quite short on money and will occasionally ask to borrow some from me. It has always small amounts and I didn't mind lending it to her as long as I got it back.

Things escalated recently and she started asking to borrow more and more, sometimes 2 requests a week, always smallish amounts but totalling about £300, which is not an insubstantial amount of money for me as I'm on a low income myself.

Her most recent reasons for asking have mostly been to do with her stepdad - he's got cancer, he doesn't have long left to live, he's been taken to hospital in etc etc and she's needed the money to get to the hospital and go and see him (she doesn't drive and I live 4hrs away from her).

I have lent her quite a lot now and am getting irritated by the fact she still has not paid me back anything out of the recent loans shes had, so when I got another message asking for £20 to buy back her tablet from a shop (cash converters type place), I was feeling less than willing to part with my money but I agreed on the provision that I couldn't lend her any more. She agreed and I tranferred the money to her account.

About 5 mintues later I got another message saying DSDad had been rushed to hospital again and could I lend her more to get there. At this point I had had enough and told her no. I got a slightly sarky response back along the lines of Ok, thanks anyway, I guess I'll have to walk then and it'll take me ages. She has messaged me again this afternoon saying that her DSDad has actually passed away.

Aibu to not feel guilty that I didn't lend her even more than I already had done? Obviously I'm very sorry for her loss but I had lent her money already that day and much more besides and as far as I'm concerned getting to the hospital should have been her priority. She asked me for more money only minutes later so its not possible she had already spent it. Or should I feel guilty that me not lending her the extra money meant she potentially didn't get to say goodbye to her stepdad? I'm not sure how I feel or how I should feel tbh.

[lorelei9here]

It's not your responsibility

But I'm also wondering how well you know her

I know someone whose father died a few times. Her job, her two relationships, one a marriage, the entire life she presented to me was a lie. And that was with me sleeping over at her place quite often. She thought she'd never be found out.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Your friend must have other people she can ask for help. She has become far too reliant on you as a source of cash and she is using emotional blackmail to force your hand.

[AyeAmarok]

"So sorry to hear about your Stepfather. Thinking of you all. I can't lend you any more money as I don't have it to spare. You could trade in your tablet again"

[EduCated]

Switch your phone off and stick it in a drawer for the evening.

You have already gone above and beyond. As MNHQ always like to say, never give more than you can afford to lose. A good friend wouldn't pressure you or take the piss.

[KondosSecretJunkRoom]

I don't think you are going to get that £300 back. Your best bet is to turn off your phone before you end up paying towards the funeral.

[Waltermittythesequel]

She's not a friend, she's a user. And she is trying to guilt you into giving more.

I would ignore her.

I know that's harsh but I would.

[expatinscotland]

'But now she is asking for more money! She says he was at home and they haven't taken him away yet so she needs money to get there before he goes so she can say goodbye. Its all very sad. Don't know what to do sad'

I wouldn't give her the money. £300 in a month?! And she never pays you back? She's not a friend, she's a pisstaker.

[Aquiver]

Please do not a) feel so guilty and b) feel so awful that you end up being emotionally blackmailed into giving (not lending) her any more money.

Maybe just send an acknowledgement and sorrow for your friend's loss and then leave it at that. Your "friend" has suffered a sad loss but they have been making you feel terribly guilty, questioning yourself and have put you into a situation where you feel guilty for lending money you do not have.

I suggest gently distancing yourself from this so-called / fairweather friend

[balia]

Tell her you don't have it, that you borrowed off someone else top give her the last £100, and you'll be in real trouble if you can't pay it back and that even though she has suffered this loss, which you know is a huge blow to her, you know you can trust her not to drop you in the sh*t come Friday.

[PestilentialCat]

You mustn't lend her any more! You feel guilty because you are a nice person.

Don;t be surprised if you never get any all of the money back.

You may well fall out permanently over this - that is perfectly okay if it happens, & would not be your fault.

[MatildaTheCat]

You say you are very sorry for her loss but you have no more money to lend. Follow up a few days later asking when she will be able to start repayments and giving her your bank details.

Stop letting her use up you as a cash machine.

[gamerchick]

Say no she already has 20 quid, fuck the tablet.

Honestly OP I've been there, I was this flame for parasites who would just take and take. Say no to every single request from now on and shell latch on to someone else. I would probably mentally write off the 300 though just in case.

[LilaTheTiger]

"I haven't got any more money, I'm sorry x"

Leave it at that, she's really pushing it.

If you need to respond further "I've lent you £300 this month and that was all my spare. I haven't got any more."

Make "I haven't got any to give you" your theme.

[sonjadog]

Do not give her any more. She can get money for her tablet again if she needs it.

You told her that you weren't giving her more and she completely ignored you. She didn't even try to respect your decision. You won't see the 300 pounds again.

[Ihatefootball]

You need to stop thinking its your responsibility, it isn't. Just say,, sorry, I don't have any more to lend and actually I do need back what I have lent you. When can you give it back to me? And repeat!

[YouTheCat]

Her story really doesn't add up.

One minute her dsdad has been rushed to hospital and the next she needs money to get to his house to view the body? Seriously?

An ambulance crew wouldn't leave a dead man in a house surely?

[Aquiver]

Repeat what Matilda said - like a mantra, until she gets the idea.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I'm so sorry to hear of your step father passing. I'm really sorry I literally don't have any money I can loan you hence the reason I said I couldn't give you more previously. I have no spare cash now until you repay me the £300 pre ious loans from the past month.

Sorry to say this but it sounds like she's got some sort of addiction whether it's gambling or drugs or alcohol?

[Timeforanamechangy]

Cat, I do feel that this could potentially be the end of our friendship. Not just because of this but because of many other occasions where she has asked for money and I do just feel used by her. She only ever talks to me when she wants something (money). I used to think that if I lent her the money she would do the same for me if I needed it but now I don't think that's true, she can't even manage to keep an arrangement for us to see each other when I'm in the area.

I'd hate to be someone who throws a friendship away over money but I don't feel like she is much of a friend atm and hasn't been for a while.

[YouTheCat]

Plus the fact that the £20 you had leant her minutes earlier was gone already points to a gambling addiction to me.

Sorry to sound so mercenary but I don't believe a word she's told you.

[thecatfromjapan]

Did someone once tell you that it is very bad and wrong to be mean with money? Have you experienced a lack of generosity (financial or emotional) from someone significant?

Basically, I think you have been trying to 'teach' her - and others, I'll bet - how you would like to be treated.

You need to treat yourself better. You need to trust that people will love you for the things you can afford to give - you don't have to give and give to the point it causes you harm.

[expatinscotland]

You're not throwing anything away.

[Timeforanamechangy]

Always, I have thought to myself that may be the case. She never asked me for a penny until about a year ago, then one day she asked and I said yes and then the requests started coming thick and fast. Then stopped for a few months now back asking again.

Youthecat I was suspicious about that too. Surely they would have taken him away straight away or at least arranged for it to happen asap? He passed away just before 2pm so a few hours ago now. But I've never dealt with anything like this before so I have no idea .

To the PP who asked if it was all in the same day, yes it was. Approximate timeline:
1pm - asks for money for tablet
1:05 - I pay money
1:10 - says DSD is ill and needs more money, I say no.
1:45 - she messages to say he has passed.

[Crabbitface]

Please, please, please don't give her more money. You are a wonderful friend, but unfortunately some people have to be in a total and utter penniless pickle until they realise that it's time to start thinking more sensibly about their cash flow.

[Olddear]

She's asking you because she knows you're a soft touch because everybody else has said no because they've probably been there before you! Send condolences only and walk away from this 'friendship'