to not feel guilty for not lending the money?

[Timeforanamechangy]

I have a friend who I have known for many years, she's never been well off but the last few years she's been signed off with medical issues and hasn't been able to work.

As such she is quite short on money and will occasionally ask to borrow some from me. It has always small amounts and I didn't mind lending it to her as long as I got it back.

Things escalated recently and she started asking to borrow more and more, sometimes 2 requests a week, always smallish amounts but totalling about £300, which is not an insubstantial amount of money for me as I'm on a low income myself.

Her most recent reasons for asking have mostly been to do with her stepdad - he's got cancer, he doesn't have long left to live, he's been taken to hospital in etc etc and she's needed the money to get to the hospital and go and see him (she doesn't drive and I live 4hrs away from her).

I have lent her quite a lot now and am getting irritated by the fact she still has not paid me back anything out of the recent loans shes had, so when I got another message asking for £20 to buy back her tablet from a shop (cash converters type place), I was feeling less than willing to part with my money but I agreed on the provision that I couldn't lend her any more. She agreed and I tranferred the money to her account.

About 5 mintues later I got another message saying DSDad had been rushed to hospital again and could I lend her more to get there. At this point I had had enough and told her no. I got a slightly sarky response back along the lines of Ok, thanks anyway, I guess I'll have to walk then and it'll take me ages. She has messaged me again this afternoon saying that her DSDad has actually passed away.

Aibu to not feel guilty that I didn't lend her even more than I already had done? Obviously I'm very sorry for her loss but I had lent her money already that day and much more besides and as far as I'm concerned getting to the hospital should have been her priority. She asked me for more money only minutes later so its not possible she had already spent it. Or should I feel guilty that me not lending her the extra money meant she potentially didn't get to say goodbye to her stepdad? I'm not sure how I feel or how I should feel tbh.

[MyAmDeryCross]

Please don't feel guilty. You sound like a lovely caring person and she doesn't deserve your friendship.

As others have said, it doesn't sound as if she's telling the truth about why she needs the money and it feels awful to say but seems that she is using this bereavement to borrow more money and ultimately an excuse not to pay you back.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, you are very kind,m she is using you I'm afraid.

I would be firm - agree now isn't the time so you'll expect the first repayment next week and £20/week until it's repaid.

[Frazzled2207]

If you can write off the money and her friendship too. She's a complete pisstaker.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Stillunexpected You just beat me to it with that question about the timing I'm sorry OP, but her story just isn't credible - he won't have gone from being critically ill in hospital to dead at home in 35 minutes, which makes me another who wonders just how much of the whole thing is true

By the way, while a death at home obviously has to be confirmed before the funeral directors are called, in the UK this can now often be done by paramedics instead of waiting for a GP. Even if the cause of death isn't known the body can still be removed, with the formalities and the actual death certificate following later (this is the difference between confirming that a death has happened, and sorting out what caused it to happen)

Often the medics will stay with the family until the funeral people arrive (it doesn't take long) so many families don't see the deceased at home but visit the chapel of rest instead ... which also means they don't always need an emergency loan to get there

[expatinscotland]

Write off the money. You will never get it back. Do not give her another penny. She messages, you just say, 'Sorry, no can do. ' And watch, you won't see her for dust.

[228agreenend]

If you don't be the money on Friday, then dfinankty send her a message along the lines of " sorry for your bereavement, however please could you send me the money immediately"

[BMW6]

She's lying. Write off the money and her "friendship". No friend rips off another as she is doing.

[YouTheCat]

Very convenient that she amended her story.

[YouTheCat]

Also still doesn't explain why she couldn't use the £20 you'd loaned minutes earlier to get to where she said she was going.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

She has also just messaged to say that she will pay me back but that now isn't the right time. Which is about what I expected. So I guess I'm not getting anything on Friday or ever

You guess correctly, and her message about paying you back will just be a "sweetener" to keep the loans coming - refuse, and she'll no doubt decide you're so hard-hearted that she's not obliged to repay you

[DSHousewife01]

Tell her you have no money but someone at work is getting rid of an item dirt cheap. If she can get the 300 back to you you will buy it and should make a decent profit. You will split the profit with her for helping you out.

If she falls for it and sends you the money, make no further mention of this deal. If she asks tell her that when you enquired the person had already sold the item.

[littleleftie]

housewife that is a cunning plan!!!

[Topseyt]

Sorry but I think her story is sounding less credible by the minute.

From the twists and turns it is talking I still can't help the feeling that stepdad may be fine and dandy somewhere. I may of course be wrong, but something is screaming that you should not believe a single word she says.

I knew a compulsive liar and believe me anything was fair game. Anything at all.

[Birdsgottafly]

I'd wonder if she had started online gambling/bingo, tbh.

If your not seeing her, then you don't really know what is the truth.

The timing doesn't add up on him dying at home. However, I've known people to ask if their relatives can be left and they usually allow it, upto a couple of hours. There are other relatives there and any of them could have thrown in for a taxi.

She thinks she's found a money tree in you.

[LifeofI]

I was actually thinking of start a thread regarding this. I have a friend i have known for years who has asked me for £200, she only asked me for it because she knows I have had some money come in. I refused to give it to her after she said
"Really and truly i need £350 but £200 will do"
I was thinking are you fuking having a laugh like i even said i will give it to you and on two occasions in the past i asked her for £20 when i was broke and had no electricity in my house and she made up some excuses. I refuse to believe someone who works full time and lives with parents doesn't have £20 in their account. She just did not want to give it to me.
She never even told me what the money was for either.
I haven't heard from her in a month and I messaged her today and she ignored me, obviously is not talking to me because I wouldn't lend her it.

YANBU to not lend it as others have said money and friends don't mix.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

"I dont have any more money to give"

[expatinscotland]

' haven't heard from her in a month and I messaged her today and she ignored me, obviously is not talking to me because I wouldn't lend her it. '

Says it all about her then. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[Olddear]

If you really want to persue getting this money back, keep all texts/emails from her and only text /email her so that there's a paper trail as evidence, but I really think you will end up writing this off.

[Iflyaway]

I've usually been the mug kind friend who would help out if I could...

After being fucked over a few times, I decided this year I am not falling for any more of that shit.

Sorry, but your life choices are not my responsibility.

Got money problems? Sorry, not my circus, not my monkeys.

[Jollielolly]

Lending money never ends well.

My OH lent £550 to an ex work colleague, who also said many moons ago that they would never borrow money from each other as it always ruins friendships. He was right. He paid back £50 and A YEAR later and he still hadn't seen any more of it. Thank fuck he didn't lend him the £900 he actually asked for! Anyway long story short, the bloke asked for a drill of his back that we had been storing at our house for some unknown reason. OH was too polite to text him back so I did and said you can have the drill (worth £100 max) when I get my £500 back. Needless to say he got verbal and we ended up blocking his number.

I have also been asked several times by SIL for money. She sends a mahoooooosive text justifying why she needs it making it more difficult to say no. She also makes a point of saying can I 'lend' It to her. I have never been offered any of it back.

From my two experiences, YANBU. In this case I would just say that you don't have any money left to lend....as it's the truth.

[Guiltypleasures001]

She's playing online bingo I reckon

[FluffyPersian]

I had a friend who took the massive piss when it came to money.

I went to Uni and she worked – I always paid for everything and she never offered to pay me back. It was always really ‘sneaky’.e.g. in a coffee shop, she’d say ‘You go first’ and open the door for me, so I’d get the counter first and would ask her ‘What do you want?’ … or we’d go for a meal and she’d ‘forget’ to take money out (As she had a bad credit rating she only had a cash point card so couldn’t pay by card) yet never walked to the cashpoint after the meal to give me cash.

I was a total and utter mug and this went on for years.

After graduating, my salary increased pretty quickly and she became more blatant, saying ‘As you’re a high earner, you don’t mind paying for this, do you?’ Everyone was telling me I was being a mug, however despite being really strong in certain areas of my life, I felt so uncomfortable saying ‘Actually, I think it’s your turn’ or ‘So when are you going to pay me back for that meal I paid for last week?’ .

I think I snapped when I bought her a Take That ticket to see them in Wembley (and yes, she had promised to pay me back) and she didn’t… so I texted her and asked her for the cash and she told me she was a bit broke and could she pay me back after the concert? I somehow found some balls and said ‘Sorry, however I’m actually quite broke this month and was relying on that money to pay for my transport to the stadium – can you please let me know when you have transferred it?’ … The excuses she went through! She had to pay for her car, she had outstanding tuition fees (she went back to Uni when she was 27)… and yet I saw her updates on Facebook about how she felt a little bit down so had ‘treated’ herself to a few new books and a pair of shoes….

I did get the money back, but she was so OFF with me at the concert, making sly digs about ‘Do you want me to buy you a drink considering you’re so broke?’ , ‘Are you sure you can afford buying a hotdog as you’re poor at the moment?’

Looking back, I can’t believe how wet I was, nor how brazen she was – We’re no longer friends due to her inability to actually offer me any emotional support when I put my cat to sleep (despite her promising me for years beforehand she knew how much my cat meant to me and she’d be there when he died)… Oddly enough, the money paled into comparison to her lack of support……

I really do hope you get your money back OP. She really sounds awful.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

she was so OFF with me at the concert, making sly digs ...

You see, this is what I find so jaw-dropping - as with the drill owner getting verbal when the PP asked for her money back, you really have to wonder where these people get their sheer brass neck

Most normal folk would feel utterly embarrassed about not repaying a loan, but to then somehow make it the lender's fault for asking?? Jeez .....

[makingmiracles]

Lending money never works ime.
Few years ago kept lending money to a friend who was in an abusive relationship, a fiver here for gas/electric, 20 quid for food, it went on and on, at one point her partner left and things were looking up for her, at the time I'd received a inheritance and helped her get debt collectors off her back by paying some of her priority bills, totalled about £1800 in all. I didn't think I'd get it all back but I thought she might pay some of it back in very small instalments when she could afford to. What happened next was the bf came back and everything reverted back to how it was before eg her being in the shit with bills etc. Not long after the bf came back I saw posts on fb about the fact they'd bought chickens, tropical fish and all the stuff that comes with them and other non essentials like parts for the bfs car(that incidentally haven't actually been driven in years as it needed so many replacement parts) at that point I realised I'd never get that money back and distanced myself from the friendship, she never tried to initiate contact and that was that.

Also been on the end of trickery/deceit when a "friend" asked to order a laptop for her son through my catalogue account- not something I'd usually do at all but she's gave my £80 up front before it was even ordered so I assumed it was a safe bet, what then happened was she moved house two hours away and ignored all pleas for the money back- it wasn't even needed all in one go, just the instalments so I didn't get behind with the catalogue payments, in the end I ended up paying the £300 she left outstanding just before the Christmas so my own kids had to have less than they should have.

After those two experiences I vowed never to lend money ever again.

Sorry Op but I don't think you will get the money back- just promise yourself you won't allow yourself to be sucked in by someone ever again.

[Roussette]

I shared a flat with a girl like this decades ago and TBH I think it taught me a life lesson.

She was always last up at the bar and going home before her round. We lived round the corner from a small supermarket, she was forever saying we only needed one trolley or basket, so she'd put all her stuff in my basket, then when we got to the checkout I paid and she would give me the money back at the flat. She never did. Even when I asked.

This went on and on and I was a complete mug. She left her building society passbook in her bedroom one day and maybe not right, but I looked at it. She had ££££'s in savings, I was absolutely gobsmacked. She was obviously just a freeloader as opposed to a friend. Luckily she moved out, she never paid back anything, but I had learnt something important.