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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up drinking for my ex

25 replies

AreBags · 28/03/2016 22:30

I have a problem with drinking - see my last thread for instance

I have been obsessed with my ex since we split up (which was due to my drinking) and recently got back in touch with him, 3 months after we last spoke, surprised that he still seems invested.

He said to me last week that he's 'basically waiting for me to get better'. Now in a way this bothers me, because drinking is almost a part of my personality... at the same time, I know he wants to help me and this will give me the drive to stop.

My AIBU is would this be a stupid reason to do it? I can almost picture a month down the line, me a month clean and texting him with his response something like 'oh sorry i met someone else' (this isn't that likely but still)

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 28/03/2016 22:35

I don't think you should be in any relationship if you are in a place where you get 'obsessed' with someone, nor should you recover for someone else. But it does sound like AA and some therapy could benefit you a lot, so approach it for YOU.

Duckdeamon · 28/03/2016 22:37

Hanging on or making changes for an ex is unlikely to be good for getting and staying sober, but on the other hand trying to address your problem could be a good thing whatever your motivation.

Alcohol problems are not part of your personality: that's addict logic.

WorraLiberty · 28/03/2016 22:40

You should be making changes for you.

Original poster

AreBags · 28/03/2016 22:41

I know you're both right - I need to do it for myself but this is a v good motivator. And I miss him, which has made me drink more. Ugh

OP posts:

Tutt · 28/03/2016 22:43

Changes should be made only for yourself and you have a relationship with a bottle so you should finish this in the same way as any relationship.
Only then can you start a fresh.
AA is a good start OP good luck

Duckdeamon · 28/03/2016 22:44

Missing him is an excuse to drink.

If you stop drinking "for him" and he doesn't want to be with you, or it doesn't work out for whatever reason, that could be an excuse to drink too.

There are lots of excuses to drink.

Original poster

AreBags · 28/03/2016 22:46

Also - I DO want to stop drinking/control my drinking for myself but I've never been able to actually do it. Is this such a bad motivator if so? (I know yes, kind of)

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 28/03/2016 22:46

It doesn't sound like you're really interested in giving up drinking at the moment. Are you?

If not it's not really fair on him getting back together knowing that it's unlikely to be a long term commitment to not drinking. Also, from your own point of view, if you let him down again there may be no way back next time.

ouryve · 28/03/2016 22:48

Yes, you need to make this change for you, but, seeing as though he's not completely given up on you, it would be good to welcome his support on your journey. if it turns out that your relationship is salvageable, then great. If not, then at least there will be no what ifs and it sounds as though he would be a good ally.

If you reignite the flame, though, you need to start from scratch in a lot of ways, or else you run the risk of slipping into old habits.

Duckdeamon · 28/03/2016 22:48

You can discuss all that stuff as part of your treatment.

It seems likely that if you get and stay sober you have a better chance of good relationships, perhaps with this person, perhaps with someone else, or perhaps with friends and family.

ijustwannadance · 28/03/2016 22:48

There is no point in doing it for him because a few months down the line if he says 'good for you but I don't want to be in a relationship with you' you will most likely go back to drinking.

janethegirl2 · 28/03/2016 22:49

Find something else to do instead of drinking but when you find it, please let me know as I could do with drinking a bit less myself.

AgentZigzag · 28/03/2016 22:50

You would be unreasonable to do it just for your ex, why don't you want to do it for yourself?

Is it better to try and give up even if it's for someone else, or do you have to be in the right place to try and doing it for the wrong reasons just dents your confidence even more so better not to try?

You make it sound as though you'd regret giving it up if after a month he said he'd found someone else, all that time you could have been drinking would have been wasted, that doesn't sound too good IMO.

Have you had any outside help with it? What kinds of quantities are you drinking at the min?

Boogers · 28/03/2016 22:50

AreBags Hi, my name's Boogers and I'm an alcoholic. Been in recovery for several months, couple of relapses, still going ok despite them. You've done really well in your recovery and you need to stay positive and hold on to that reason that made you not want to drink as well as addressing the reasons you turned to alcohol in the first place.

You need to not drink for you, not because someone says you're better off without it. If you stop drinking because of your ex in the hope that he'll get back with you the that seems like folly as you're setting yourself up for a massive fall if you break up again. Cut down because YOU want to. Stop drinking because YOU want to, not because someone else tells you to.

lougle · 28/03/2016 22:52

What help have you had in the past to stop drinking? Have you been offered chlordiazepoxide to reduce the severity of symptoms that come with cutting down alcohol intake? Have you been given a plan of how to withdraw from the level of alcohol you take?

Everyone is right -the change should be for you. However, I'd be inclined to go with whatever motivates you to stop. As long as you won't rebound if your ex doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

Boogers · 28/03/2016 22:53

P.S. There will always be an excuse to drink. You drink because you're happy, you drink because you're sad, you drink because it's sunny, you drink because it's raining, you drink because you're with friends, you drink because you're lonely, you drink as a reward, you drink to punish yourself. There will always be an excuse.

Original poster

AreBags · 28/03/2016 23:02

ouryve and boogers get it.

Boogers - your last post sums up my life/attitude so well. There is always an excuse. I'm trying to see this as an excuse to stop but I know that is also unhealthy

OP posts:

Boogers · 28/03/2016 23:08

Have you sought any help? Have you spoken to your GP or self referred to the Community Alcohol Service? Can I just say when I first sought help from CAS a few years ago AA was my idea of hell, but I went in November and I sobbed through the whole of my first meeting, but the first time is always the worst, and it's utterly embarrassing and humiliating to admit you've got a problem to someone else but help is there when you're ready for it.

ijustwannadance · 28/03/2016 23:19

You just have to realise that all the others at the meetings are in the same boat as you and are there to be supportive.
My DB went for years when he stopped drinking.

Original poster

AreBags · 28/03/2016 23:21

Boogers I tried to go to an AA meeting on Friday but it was cancelled. I'm going to attempt another on Fri - I have a thread on it. There's so many I could have done this weekend but I chickened out after my one failure (despite it not being my fault)

OP posts:

molyholy · 28/03/2016 23:45

Drinking is part of your personality? I don't believe that. You may have it ingrained because you think you are a fun person when you drink. But really. He liked your personality. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship until you address your drinking, but I doubt that was the reason your ex was with you.

Original poster

AreBags · 28/03/2016 23:59

moly you're right. and that's why i want to save this

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 29/03/2016 07:21

All very dramatic talking about "saving" a relationship, but even setting addiction problems aside there would be no guarantees that you could have a good relationship with your ex. Best focus on yourself for now.

Have you been to your GP or local alcohol service for help?

herecomethepotatoes · 29/03/2016 08:32

Good luck OP. Boogers obvioulsy knows first hand and I guess therefore can give the best advice.

Having said that, isn't any motivation to stop drinking positive?

When I gave up smoking (much easier than drinking, I'm sure), I honestly didn't do it for me but for my dh and children.

Boogers · 29/03/2016 21:08

Sometimes it's hitting rock bottom that causes a change. For some it's losing their spouse and children, for some it's losing their home, for some it's being caught drink driving, for some it's vomiting blood, for some it's being hospitalised, for some it's the realisation that some of the aforementioned things will, not might, will happen if you don't stop drinking destructively.

You have to want to not drink because of you, not because someone tells you. Wanting to not drink because of someone is different; I want to not drink because I want to see my children grow up, but if I was told not to drink, even by a well-meaning person, my first instinct would be to reach for the vodka. I have to stay in recovery for myself but the vision of watching my children grow up keeps me going.

Does that make any sense?

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