to not want to visit my mil?

[Lauresbadhairday]

Backstory: My DM died 6 months ago. She had cancer which was very aggressive and sadly did not respond to chemo. 3 months after her death just before Christmas my MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has had a mastectomy and has just started chemo. The prognosis sounds quite good and she has been told that she is having chemo mainly as a precautionary measure. So a different scenario from my own mum but nevertheless I have found it difficult to take in and as a result I have only visited her once since her diagnosis. I have supported my DH as best I can whilst coping with my own grief and he has visited her numerous times on his own. She and FIL live about an hour away so he has been mainly popping up after work. To put this into context we probably only see them every 2-3 months for a visit under normal circumstances.

My DH visited yesterday but I didn't feel up to seeing her especially as she has just started chemo and I felt I wouldn't be able to cope hearing all about it and the memories it would stir up. DH was happy to go on his own however he came back saying that she is very upset that I didn't visit, wanting to know why I am avoiding her, why haven't I telephoned her etc. He understands where I'm coming from and tried to explain this to MIL. He is not putting any pressure on me to visit and is happy to go and see her whenever which I obviously have no objection to.

So AIBU and selfish by not visiting and should I be making more effort to see her and support her and FIL? I think I am doing a good job in supporting my DH so he can support his parents. It doesn't help that MIL and I do not have the easiest of relationships at the best of times.

YANBU

YANBU, what difference would you make being there? Why does MIL want you there?
Sorry for your loss and I hope your MIL recovers

YANBU

I agree a thoughtfully worded card will let her see you are thinking of her.

I think my judgement is clouded a bit by the fact that she never once telephoned me when my mum was very ill and subsequently died. I don't feel she supported me at all during this time and in fact complained then that she didn't see much of me. I want to be able to reach out to her but I am struggling. I want to be there for DH more than anything and if he wanted me to visit then I would for his sake.

I hear what you some of you are saying which is that I am being self-indulgent and I think to a certain extent you are right. I know it isn't just about me so I will think about a short well-timed visit.

I think your last sentence is telling. If you are supporting your DH and he doesn't mind, then you are doing your job. Send flowers or anything else thoughtful that you can think of.

Cross post. The last sentence in your original post, I mean.

I was going to suggest sending her a card or some flowers to let her know you're thinking of her.

She really is learning that what goes around comes around. She didn't support you but wants your support now? I can see why you don't feel like visiting her.

Imperial that's exactly it. I almost don't see why I should support her when she didn't support me but then I feel guilty because she is the one facing this awful disease.

DO you remember when posters post "I'm pregnant with dc2. How can I possibly love him/her the same as dc1?". And everyone emphasises- , you will! you have enough,love to go round"

It's the same. Grief isn't finite. You need to supply support to whoever in your close circle needs it.

Sorry but this is utter bollocks. Loving 2 dc rather than one doesn't adversely affect your mental health (ignoring pnd for a minute because I'm talking about the infinite nature of love). Grief, and especially grief following a sudden death or further grief when you're already grieving very definitely can affect your mental health. This is why the op needs to look after herself. Her dh is there to support his mum. You can't possibly compare grief with loving your children

And if she wasn't supportive to you quote frankly I'd definitely prioritise what feels right for you over her wants. Unless going to see her would help your dh. She wanted you to prioritise seeing her when your own mum was dying and didn't show you any understanding or empathy? She might be going through a difficult time at the moment but you'd be a better woman than me if you were able to genuinely support her at the moment

From your latest post I can see why you feel the way you do, she wasn't there for you. But why lower yourself to her level? It's a difficult one. Have you had a good chat with your husband about it? How does he feel? How serious is her illness?

Your latest post is very telling, lots of resentment on your part when she didn't bother to offer you any support.........

Maybe she regrets that now

Two wrongs don't make a right

You'll always get posters who will tell you how THEY could cope and that you're unreasonable because THEY would do bla bla bla. Aren't they marvellous, kind, generous people? It's just a shame they can't direct their kindness and generosity towards a person who is still grieving.

You know what OP? You need to do what's best for you, under these circumstances. It sounds like your mil is quite selfish and still hasn't been able to show any empathy towards you, when you were having an awful time. It's terrible that she's going through this, but it sounds like you owe her very little. If you want to be a better person than her, then send her flowers, a casserole, etc, when your DH visits, but also take care of yourself. Sorry for your loss.

You are right about resentment QuiteLikely but I need to try and put that to one side. Fortunately dh is very understanding and aware that his mum could have done more for us when my mum was ill. He is happy for me to not visit at the moment especially as her immediate prognosis is quite good. But you are right honey why stoop to her level? For that reason I will try and reach out more to her and sending a card will be a good first step.

X post. A casserole is a good idea. I will send one up with dh next time he goes. Thank you for helping me straighten out my thoughts. It has made me realise whilst I need to look after myself, a little compassion towards her may actually help me feel better.

Hi OP,

Slightly different circumstances but I can relate and send you .
My amazing mum died two years ago just before my son's 2nd birthday. She had lung cancer that spread to her bones,it took a year from diagnosis to the end and it was horribly painful for her and the most horrific thing I've ever seen - she was only 55 and incredibly beautiful and very glamorous!
My MIL is the same age, a heavy smoker and in perfect health. We have an extremely difficult relationship, she has a complete lack of tact (even referring to herself as my 'new mummy') and it hurts me that she is a constant and significant part of my son's life. I hate that she gets to see my son bloom and grow,particularly as he didn't speak until 2 and a half and my mum never got to hear his beautiful little voice and all the funny things he has to say. Obviously I would never wish any harm to her, god forbid, but there are days I have to turn away from the sight of her kissing or hugging DS as I so wish my mummy was able to do the same!

As others would suggest, do try. It must be so scary for your MIL, especially considering she saw your own poor mum lose her battle.

Wishing you the absolute best