To have done this (and wwyd as I feel awful)

[Directfrustrationandhassle]

I get direct payments for dcs (4)

Seemed like a great idea.At first. Actually it turns out it's a huge hassle because

1. Finding activities has been a PITA as so many people/classes wouldn't allow dcs to join (complete discrimination which I've dealt with) so that was draining and upsetting
2. Could not get a carer from an agency as they couldn't provide the same person reliably who was trained in relevant things. As a result I had to employ a family member which seemed the best idea at the time
3. The paperwork. Horrendous amounts of work x4. Opening 4 current accounts, printing receipts, printing bank statements, putting everything in order, writing cheques and then the payroll stuff as I'm registered as an employer. Filling time sheets etc etc just everything added to my workload in general. I have four dcs to look after, have to fit in so much already-Appts, driving lessons etc, it was just too much.

I decided I needed to reduce my workload and stress so decided that I wouldn't continue to employ family member as a carer due to the work involved with being an employer as also because the local carers agency now has a bank of care workers and told me they could guarantee a regular person and all I'd need to do was send a cheque-they do all the paperwork etc.
this did not go down well. Big huge upset was caused as she relies on the income hugely apparently and is very upset and angry with me. Then other family members got involved asking me to reconsider. I feel bad as she obviously really needed the money but I need to prioritise my mental health and I've been overwhelmed by paperwork ( I also have things to do like blue badge renewals, dla renewals, bursary renewals throughout the year too so always something needs doing).

I explained that I've struggled to keep up with the paperwork as its meant that when dcs are being looked after and I'm meant to have a break I'm actually doing paperwork so it cancels out the help. The employer work is the time consuming stuff and I need to reduce what I'm having to do. I explained how tired iam yet when dcs in bed I'm printing stuff off and doing paperwork. I also have difficulties with maths so the pay side of things has been hard. For my sanity it's better to not continue with that part. I've also been really unwell with a thyroid issue so I'm just completely exhausted all the time.
Nobody will accept this. Feeling guilty I said to family member that although I'm stopping the employment part through the direct payments I would still offer some hours babysitting for same rate of pay if that would help (and I'd just pay out of my own money) not good enough apparently unless I guarantee the same hours or continue doing it as we are now.

Have I been U? I've just got to the point where I'm exhausted and need to claw back some time for myself somehow. It was suggested I cut back on my driving lessons but I can't as I need to pass so badly and I don't want to reduce them just to sit doing paperwork!

She had opened an account (I didn't know till today) and was paying wages into that (some kind of home buying help account)

Two hours a week??? Bloody hell, I apologise OP. From the fuss caused I assumed that she was working a FT job.

Take it back, YANBU at all.

I think you are totally making the right decision for you & your family. I also think it's fair enough for the family member to be upset.

Just a thought...would it be possible for family member to work for the carer's agency and do the respite for you, but employed by them?

Otherwise, I would take the grumpy family member, apologise, be kind but still do what you need to for your sanity.

Well fair enough, I suppose, they are her earnings. But it's not the only job in the world and if having her work for you isn't of any actual benefit... Sometimes you just have to put your (immediate) family first, even if it discommodes someone else.

Two hours with each dc on average so about 8 hours a week. She does also have another part time job and just fits carer hours around that. She has done a good job but it just isn't working out in other ways. I feel bad but on the other hand I need to make my life easier not harder

I think it might be the account where for every £4 you save, the government gives you £1, it is a good way to save for a first home, but given that she knew that the LA may withdraw funding, she couldnt rely on it anyway!

The fact is that she did a job and was paid for it, but now you have found a way that works better for your family. Yes it is a bit crap but we are talking 8 hours a week here, not full time! She could get a bar job and easily make up those hours.

I do feel too that my offer of paid 'babysitting' out of my own money was fair (I did feel guilty) as then she still gets some income from elsewhere but I don't have the paperwork. She refused though so I don't think there's much else I can do

OP, please don't guarantee your relative any babysitting hours. She is not yoir responsibility and you don't owe her anything.

She declined anyway, I had offered some as and when type babysitting if she wanted (as I felt guilty when she cried about her account she had opened) but it was a case of "guarantee the same hours and rate of pay" and I can't actually afford that much out of our money each month (due to ongoing driving lessons mostly) I just felt I had to offer something to soften the blow a bit as she reacted so badly

Would she expect a non related employer to keep her on if her services were no longer required and pay her out of their own pocket because she really wants to buy a house? Of course not. Would she be in tears to them and getting your family involved? Of course not.

It happens and she needs to grow up and realise that the whole world doesnt revolve around her.

YANBU.

Stand firm. No-one is guaranteed a job for life these days and your relative is no exception. .

If she wants to work as a carer she can either advertise her services or apply to work for an agency, biut I suspect that working for you was a far cushier option than competing in the marketplace and she's thrown her toys out of the pram because she knows it.

Let this be a lesson to you that employing family members rarely ends well. If you should need family help over and above that which is normally given, make it a like for like trade where no money changes hands.

It really is a massive hassle. Sounds great in theory but I've been astounded at the amount of work I've had to put in and the refusal for Dcs to attend some activities left me fuming (admittedly I gave myself extra work over that as I wouldn't stand for it, wrote, complained and sorted it out in the end but still)

It's a shame it isn't like dla where you are just trusted to use the money appropriately but obviously I can see why they need proof of everything. One thing that really annoyed me was I had to have four new current accounts rather than just one that was a huge hassle.

I'm hoping that with the new carer system it will in fact be more of a help

OP, I may have this wrong but if you are the poster I think are are you really suprised that your relatives are acting up?

Sorry if I'm thinking of someone else.

I probably am who you're thinking of. It was one of those situations where I couldn't at the time get an agency carer (specific training needed and they couldn't guarantee same person then) so in order to get the help it was the only option to ask relatives. I thought as it was a formal arrangement it would be easier. It actually was working out ok care wise but the workload for me has been too much and obviously now the problems have arisen

I was desperate to get it all set up at the time so I could do driving lessons

Are 4 DC disabled? Can't understand how a family member would put so much pressure on you when you under so much strain already with getting your DC's needs met.

I guess they do say never do business with family. I hope you manage to find a great carer and pass your driving test. Good luck!

Well, if you are who I'm thinking of you really must try and ignore them. It's the 'same old same old' and you have enough to worry about without worrying about your family being arse'y. I think trying the agency would be simpler.

Do you ever look on the MONEY SAVING EXPERT website? There are some really knowledgable posters on there.

I hope you and you kids are all doing ok all things considered. It's great that you are trying to sort out your driving lessons. I'm a serial name changer but I've posted on your other threads in the past.

Yes all dcs have disabilities. I think it was just a mistake mixing business and family

Thankyou bitchy for the support. Iam very hopeful it'll all work out and I think me being able to drive will be a massive help (I am absolutely rubbish at it but I'm trying so hard and ill get there it's just taking me a bit longer than most people!)

Good luck with the driving. It's tricky but I'm sure if you can cope with some of the stuff that you have to deal with I bet you will find learning to drive a doddle even if it takes a while