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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really want to be a bridesmaid?

47 replies

bingisthebest · 24/03/2016 20:34

Closest friend getting married this year. We are a grp of 3 best mates I suppose. Friend 1 has discussed previously plans for young bridesmaids and all sorted.
Then I bump into friend 2 and she has been talking to friend 1 and now would like us both to be bridesmaids. Our kids are there at this conversation so don't really get a chance to discuss properly say I will talk to friend 1, next thing I know friend 1 texts me to say I have ordered the dresses and roll measure you up when I see you and they are £140 please could you pay for it.
I was gobsmacked! Replied (by txt as I was at work) that I wanted to talk to her about it and it was a lot of money for me. She replied pay when you can and you will look great.,,
But I just feel totally bamboozled, I was looking forward to choosing myself a nice outfit and it would've been cheaper than this. It's a lot of money for me. I'm not keen on the style of the dress and don't think it will fit me. I feel like it's all been decided but my mum and dh think I just have to accept it.
Aibu? What shall I do?

OP posts:

Alasalas2 · 24/03/2016 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starry0ne · 24/03/2016 21:40

Obviously your choice...But I feel if you don't back out there will be lots of bridezilla threads...Obviously entertaining for us on MN.... However I wonder if your friendship would take it..

If friend 2... is bullish too you will feel cornered frequently.

I would go as a guest and enjoy the day

MsVestibule · 24/03/2016 21:41

You CAN not do it - honestly you can. How will it look bad? Text/phone and say 'I know Friend 2 is enthusiastic about the idea, but I'm really not. I'd much rather come as a guest, thanks'.

I know it's easy for us to say, but please don't let yourself get railroaded into something you really don't want to do.

Shutthatdoor · 24/03/2016 21:42

I have been a bridesmaid 5 times. Never paid for a dress.

We paid for the bridesmaid dresses when we got married.

Original poster

bingisthebest · 24/03/2016 21:43

Msvestibule. Thank you that's good advice. I'm trying but just feel bad.

OP posts:

Nickname1980 · 24/03/2016 21:49

I've been a bridesmaid three times. Two of them, I LOVED and had a wonderful time. My friends paid for the dresses that I had a say in choosing, and it was just so special being up there with them. I felt honoured to be part of the wedding.

But... The third one was just awkward. I didn't know why she asked me, really. I didn't think we were that close - but I felt like I couldn't say no. She picked out the most disgusting dress. Truly. And it was too big so just looked stupid on. The whole thing cost me a fortune - I had to organise the hen party and a bunch of guests never paid me back for their share - and left me feeling pretty bitter. Because I am crap at saying how I feel, I then (I felt like I "should" out of politeness) asked her to be my bridesmaid, which was fine but a bit weird. We're not even in touch anymore. My other three bridesmaids were and are my best friends. This girl was nice, but we just weren't that close and being bridesmaids felt too much. I wish I had said no. If she knew I felt that way, I'm sure she'd wish I'd said no, too.

My point is: if you don't want to do it, say no and do it quickly - because you'll just end up resenting it. Other people's suggestions of what to say are good, but if you're close friends I think you should call her or speak to her in person and not text.

Good luck and let us know!

Birthgeek · 24/03/2016 21:50

Friend 2 has put you in an awkward position. It's HER who should feel bad. How about saying:

"Oh dear, what's she like eh?! Still, am very much looking forward to being a guest :)"

KERALA1 · 24/03/2016 21:51

Bad form to get bridesmaids to pay for dress.

Was shocked when sil (a doctor so not poor or clueless) insisted on her bms buying their own dresses. She was shocked when one rebelled. They haven't spoken since. Whole thing was cringey.

MatildaTheCat · 24/03/2016 22:23

I was once asked by my SIL to be. They were coming to the uk from abroad for the wedding and her other bridesmaids were all tiny, petite people like herself. I was feeling fat and frumpy and would have stuck out like a sore thumb. She was planning to bring me a dress.

I took a deep breath and said I was sorry but I didn't feel comfortable and would rather help and support in another way. She was fine.

When I saw the dresses I have never in my life been so thankful I declined.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2016 22:41

'I'm not and friend 2 is so forceful. So I'm still not totally sure I can not do it.'

Grow a pair. Just text her, too, and tell her you're not in.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 24/03/2016 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lertgush · 25/03/2016 00:04

The bride has said it's fine for you not to be bridesmaid.

You don't want to be bridesmaid.

You can't afford to be bridesmaid.

I'm not sure why you're still suggesting you should do it. No one who matters wants or expects you to...

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 25/03/2016 07:32

Probably friend 1 said to friend 2 that you'd had a chat and both really wanted to be bridesmaids and that it wouldn't cost friend 1a penny as you'd both post for your own dresses etc etc. Friend 1 seems fine with you not being a bridesmaid so don't do it.

Original poster

bingisthebest · 25/03/2016 07:54

I think you've got it spot on dreadful pmt. and I can imagine my friend doing that and friend 1 just getting carried along with it.

OP posts:

iyamehooru · 25/03/2016 08:13

I'd try and meet her on your own. Explain that you appreciate being asked to be bm but unfortunately you're not in a position to accept because money is tight and you can't afford £140 for a dress etc etc. You'd rather let her know now that nearer the time as you feel she can send the dress back and her a refund.

suspiciousofgoldfish · 25/03/2016 14:23

Urgh, there should be some kind of public service announcement telling all brides to be that no one gives a shit about your wedding as much as you do.

I hate, hate, hate stuff like this and as I get older, wiser, and more selfish I just say no.

No. I'm not paying for a fucking dress I didn't ask for or like.

No. I'm not paying for a fucking trip away that is not in any way what I would consider to be fun. If I wanted to pay for a holiday, I would go on fucking holiday. With people I actually like spending time with.

No. I'm not chipping in for some ridiculous 'pre wedding bridal treat' spa day/banana wielding stripper/pole dance lessons. Now fuck off.

I don't have many friends these days but honestly, I'm loads happier.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 25/03/2016 14:35

Oh no - I've done it 5 times. Never again. I pre-empt this now whenever someone close gets engaged by saying "Sorry, I know it's presumptuous and I don't know if you were going to ask me, but if you were, please PLEASE don't. I just want to be a guest. Ask my DC anytime but not me." I know its probably rude but I've got out of at least one more turn with this. TBH any momentary embarrassment is still less than the hassle of actually being a bridesmaid.

If there is any bad feeling, could your DC take your place?

MistressDeeCee · 25/03/2016 14:53

YANBU to not want to be bridesmaid but YABU if you haven't by now declined. It likely isnt going to sound brilliant however you say it but you don't have to be cornered like this so, get it over with. Even if you say you hadn't actually realised you were going to be asked, there's been no discussion, you haven't seen the dress, and actually you would prefer not to be bridesmaid as its too expensive for you. Make clear you are looking forward to her special day etc

When my DSis (well not so "dear") got married, my 2 DDs were bridesmaids never have I seen expenses mount up so quickly what with dress, hair, shoes, makeup, accessories etc. & thats before choosing my own outfit. I wasn't Maid of Honour her best mate was but did fuck all on the day apart from pose for pics, which meant I had to organise a lot of stuff. Annoying.

Life's too short not to do what you want, within reason, and get roped into stuff that simply isn't you. So tell her asap so she can make alternative arrangements

littleleftie · 25/03/2016 14:53

Just say being a bridesmaid is not for you, sorry. You would have explained this to her if she had actually asked you. You say she knows you are an introvert. Just say it's not something you could cope with, sorry.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

MistressDeeCee · 25/03/2016 15:02

Sorry I included bridesmaid dress in my list, realised it was the other stuff I paid out for, not the dresses. Since when do bridesmaids pay for their own dresses?! I wouldn't be shelling out £140 for a dress I hadn't viewed/chosen/tried on, thats for sure. Is it Friend 2 thats moved into controlling mode? If so the bride needs to be subtly told to get her to rein it in. You can do without a self-appointed chief bridesmaid being a pita, if she backs off all will probably be ok. BTB sounds quite reasonable she's a close friend so, have a chat

Fratelli · 26/03/2016 07:30

Imo the bride and groom should incurr all wedding costs anyway. If they want you to pay for your own dress it should be a style and colour you want to wear. Don't feel bad for not wanting to do it!

bakingaddict · 26/03/2016 08:25

I don't think it was friend 1 at fault. It sounded like she was just having some young bridesmaids but friend 2 has decided you should both be bridesmaids.

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