Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and death notice

45 replies

RegTheMonkey1 · 24/03/2016 20:22

My FIL died last week. There are only two DILs, me and the wife of my husband's brother. MIL could not stand the other DIL, long story, but mostly down to snobbishness. So MIL put an obituary/death notice in the local paper, and mentioned herself, the two sons, the two grandsons, but no DILs. She phoned my husband and said she would apologise to me for leaving me out, but she couldn't mention me and not the other DIL and there was no way she was putting HER name in. I've been married to husband for 20 years and was very fond of FIL, but it's as if I was just brushed under the carpet or something, left out just because of MIL's attitude towards the other DIL. The thing is, towards the end of of his life FIL was in a nursing home to give MIL some respite - and was cared for by the other DIL, who worked there! MIl said on the phone to my husband 'well, she didn't know your dad'. Even though the other DIL has been married to her son for 6 years. My question is this - AIBU to feel slighted and a bit cross?

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 24/03/2016 21:42

try standing at the funeral and being missed out of the family list

been there
it was utter shit

ThursdaySoFriday · 24/03/2016 21:46

YANBU. But I think it is something you need to let wash over you, however hard.
Hope you are okay OP. Flowers

Original poster
RegTheMonkey1 · 25/03/2016 07:20

I will never mention it, and I've put it out of my head, but popping back in to thank you for your views. Her dislike of, and treatment of he other DIL (who I really like) is monstrous, but everyone has agreed to rock no boats at this time. I think I posted here originally because I was doubting my own reaction. I'll leave it, it matters not a jot in the grand scheme of things. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 25/03/2016 08:54

It's her choice. She left you both out of the notice. Move on.

JessieMcJessie · 25/03/2016 09:01

costacoffee do you have any idea how much it costs to engrave a headstone? They are not a roll call of all family by name and to put the names of the living on them is both cheesy and creepy anyway, not to mention a bit "me me me" on the part of those listed.

JessieMcJessie · 25/03/2016 09:06

OP your MIL does sound awful towards her other DIL, especially when you explain that she cared for your FIL. However one way to look at it is that she was at least being kind to her son (your DH's brother) by making the omission look like "blood relatives only" rather than putting you in and snubbing the other DIL overtly.

Costacoffeeplease · 25/03/2016 09:10

Yes I do actually, and I don't expect a roll call of names, but would expect father and grandfather on the stone - I doubt that would break the bank

Yoksha · 25/03/2016 09:14

OP, I've never known in-laws to be included in obs. Least not in my extended family. Think about your bro-in-law's feelings. Your mil is possibly thinking about his too.

*aplogies if this has been covered ^^by pp

Flowers at this sad time.

MartinaJ · 25/03/2016 09:15

She's grieving. She phoned, she apologized and explained. It's her right. Leave it. You are BVU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/03/2016 09:21

Another one saying leave it. To be quite honest, if I lost somebody I cared about, the last thing I would even register would be my appearance on any kind of list, death notice, funeral attendance... seems very strange to me.

If you have a good relationship with your MIL then just comfort her. If you're kind, you could remind her that other DIL spent considerable time with FIL caring for him towards the end too.

herecomesthsun · 25/03/2016 09:36

Not exactly being unreasonable but much better for you and DH and his family to be the wise one here and put it to one side.

JessieMcJessie · 25/03/2016 10:06

Fair enough Costa you said it didn't "mention his grandchildren" not "didn't mention that he was a grandfather".

Costacoffeeplease · 25/03/2016 10:13

Picky picky picky Hmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/03/2016 10:27

" AIBU to feel slighted and a bit cross?"
I would not feel slighted by the death notice, as I would expect only children/grandchildren anyway; but MIL would severely drop in my estimation. She really doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 25/03/2016 12:03

Costa I really don't think the poster was being 'picky' about the post you put to clarify the situation about wanting 'father and grandfather' on the tombstone rather than individually listing each child and grandchild puts a different complexion on it.

Adding 'and grandfather' is reasonable, but I also initially thought you meant you wanted individual grandchildren listed too. The latter would incur significant cost and in my Aunt's case would require a gravestone the height of Nelson's column to get her eleven grandchildren on.

But back to your op YANBU to be put out by your mother in law's hostility to her sister in law. On the face of it, it seems petty and unnecessary. However I think YABU to feel slighted not to be mentioned in the death notice. It is usual to only mention the direct family in such notices. Given that they usually take the form of

John Smith died peacefully at home on 1 February 2016 after a short illness. He is survived by his wife Mary, children Mark and Simon and his grandchildren Janet, Peter and Anna. Funeral x date at y venue. Donations to Battersea dogs home.

I really don't know how you'd shoehorn a mention of a daughter in law into such a notice.

1pink4blue · 25/03/2016 12:15

When my mother died my mothers sister put an obituary in the paper,
She mentioned herself, and her brothers ,my brother and my children but left me out.
I was hurt but never said a thing I let her get on with her pettiness while I just grieved for my mum

Ceic · 25/03/2016 14:01

Often, local papers have an "In Memorium" section alongside the death notices. In my local paper, a deceased individual may have two or three memorial notices from different branches and generations of their family, often every year.

A year from now, you could arrange a similar notice for your FIL, which mentions you and your SIL. As these notices are more free-flowing than death notices, it is easier to mention non-blood relatives.

Topseyt · 25/03/2016 14:38

I have no idea whether I was mentioned at all in the death notices for my FIL or my MIL. I never looked or asked.

Not being a blood relative, I don't remember it even occurring to me.

Let it slide. That is the best thing overall. Nor would I even mention it to the other DIL.

eitak22 · 25/03/2016 19:31

I would just leave it by sounds of it there are some fragile relationships and a lot of hurt at the minute. My dad recently died and none of the in laws are mentioned, this includes my sisters' husbands who have been married for years. i thought it was the done thing to just include blood relatives (children and grandchildren) and the deceased spouse in notices like that?

bigbluebus · 25/03/2016 19:39

We (my DB1 and I) have just placed my DM's obituary notice in the paper via the Funeral Director. It listed my DMs 3 DCs and her 5 grandchildren. We did not add in the 3 in-laws (all of 25 yrs +) nor did the Funeral Director ask or suggest if we wanted them in. We have also recently had a Memorial stone placed on DFs grave, Again there was some debate over the wording but no mention was made of in-laws. The in-laws were not offended (at least they didn't admit that they would be when asked)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread