To want to get this out there, I need to write it down somewhere because otherwise I am going to walk out of the door and never come back.

[beatendown]

Have N/C

I don't even know where to start but I need to write this down and tell someone because I am sick of crying and feeling hopeless and useless and quite frankly wanting to run away or worse. I am sick of hiding how bad things are, putting on a face and carrying on.

My child is 13. She has some mild additional needs. In November I went to the GP because her meltdowns have become horrendous. I was worn out with her behaviour and was referred to CAMHS and we are still waiting for help.

My child is domestically violent. Every single night. She is as big as me, she is stronger than me, she hits me, she pushes me, she scratches me, she kicks me, she throws things, she bites me, she calls me names, I am stupid, selfish, mean, pathetic, worthless she hates me, she wishes she had a nicer Mum.
She is furious that I went to the GP, I have apparently ruined her life, I apparently want to ruin her life, want her to never get a job etc. She calls me names because I have told the GP, a friend and my parents some of how bad she is.
When she has really gone too far and injured me she is sorry for a day and then returns to normal. I have according to her 'brought it on myself'

I have no doubt what so ever I am suffering depression as a result. I am frightened of her coming home.

Consequences don't work, they make her more angry and more aggressive.
I KNOW why she is like this. She hates school, she is not coping at the moment there. I am doing all I can to help and sort things and get her help.

It has not always been like this. We used to have a lovely relationship

I ended up in tears with my Mum at the weekend, I'm done, I cannot cope like this anymore. I am in a violent relationship with my child and if this was an adult I would have walked away but how can I walk away from my child?

There's no respite, exh is not around to help, parents too old to handle her.

Honestly this is no life and she is driving me either to complete mental breakdown or worse.

I hope you both get the help you need to fix this

Mornings are horrendous, she does not want to go to school, she struggles with organisation and getting ready. I do help her, I have tried to get stuff sorted the night before with her, tried visual charts to help her. She literally has to get dressed into clothes and eat and cannot do that in an hour without getting into a mood. I have on several occasions had to walk with her to school while she has screamed hysterically. She holds it together at school and then will literally explode the second she walks through the door about anything which has happened at school no matter how minor, even another kid taking up too much room on the table.

She hates school, she always has. There was an incident recently and there has been bullying in the past in primary but it was quickly dealt with and even before that she has always hated it, she finds other children annoying, she hates their noise, them being in her space, them even existing anywhere near her. I have done everything I can to get her the support she needs in school, she is in a small group with a SEN TA at any time she is not in the classroom for lessons so I know she is not being bullied anymore. I have to say the SEN TA who covers break times and dinner times has been utterly amazing. Academically she is doing well and I have spoken to teachers in areas she is struggling to see how we can help her (breaking down instructions and things like that.)

We have looked at other schools but they do not offer the same level of support her current one does. I have home educated her for a small period of time before when we moved house and it did not work for us, she could not cope with it. Besides I need to work, there is just me and I get no financial support from elsewhere, there is no childcare locally for SEN teens.

Honestly I feel she needs to be in a specific needs school but I do not have 30K a year to pay for the fees and primary were utterly rubbish so she is not statemented. (She was on school action plus and IEP before they changed.) I am setting the wheels in motion to try and do this myself but feel that SENCO plays down her needs and don't feel school as a result will back me up because they do not see the meltdowns.

I have spoken to Young Mind. They were brilliant and it was them who recommended Camhs. I have spoke somewhat to school although not the true extent but they aware of the meltdowns. I mentioned she had been slightly calmer recently (until this latest flare up) following the return of a teacher. Senco told me she was not self harming and did not need Camhs and to cancel the appointment when it came (I haven't.)

No periods, definitely developing though. I have tried to find a teenage parenting course near us but they all seem to stop at ten. Ironically I am actually qualified in child development and behaviour as I formally worked with children with additional needs prior to dd being diagnosed.

We have been told twice during diagnoses for other things that she is very likely on the AS spectrum but without the back up of school and the fact she sits in the doctors and does not display as anything other than a shy quiet child in the five minutes appointment we are not getting anywhere.

Your situation sounds horrendous. You are suffering from emotional and physical abuse, this cannot continue, you need to get some help

Is it worth speaking to Refuge? They help with victims of domestic abuse, I'm not sure if they can help in your situation, but they might be able to offer some advice

Please call the police if you feel unsafe xxx

Could you also discreetly film some of what happens so that you can prove how she is at home?

I have tried to before Ice and been unable to. I am going to try again.

My reason for not calling the police so far (although it is something I have very seriously considered and still do consider) is because I know she will react by absolutely losing control, panicking and running. The last thing I want is a vulnerable child with additional needs on the streets alone.

The problem that you often get with none specialist services and by none specialist I mean ones that are not specalists in adolescents with significant behaviour problems is that dependant on what area you are in your risk things like

Automatically being considered to be the perp of emotional abuse because lots of 'professionals' feel that it's always a parenting issue

You risk the only help you get given is being advised to purchased them an iPhone 6,

You risk no police action at all if they can do anything to avoid it other than attendance because lots of areas will take no corrective or punitive action against young teens who perpetrate crimes in the household unless they are very serious ones,

You risk the "if you didn't need medical attention you must be lying" attitude

You risk amything your child says in anger being taken and run with as factual things that later get quoted at you in care order hearings such as "she never feeds me" and things like that.

IME Wiltshire and the surrounding areas are horrendious for it and even when challenged by judges they will not budge.

It's a big boundry to cross.

One I wouldn't cross without specialist support

I would definitely pursue an alternative route such as cranial osteopathy or acupuncture - just someone outside school talking to her about issues may have a big help. You can take her but don't go into the consultation with her so she can talk to a therapist 1-1.
I'd also pursue a possible SEN diagnosis - she may well be borderline ADHD or have ASD which presents very differently in girls. If you think the school SENCO is minimising it, try for a private referral to a consultant.

She is clearly in emotional distress and using you as the focus - perhaps a course of osteopathy or acupuncture will help her calm herself. I talk to my osteopath during treatments and it's very therapeutic just from that side.

Thank you MyLife. She already does have some SN diagnoses related to processing and sensory issues.

NeedsASock Yes that is exactly my worry.

Does she need to be in a different kind of school. Our education authority has a vulnerable student unit for Y9 up. It takes students with emotional issues, mental health ussues, depression and anxiety. They have to be at a level that is having a huge impact on their life. The difference in them there is amazing and they get really good results for them.

I do Lulu.
We went to the autism show and there were schools represented there which I feel would help her massively. She needs somewhere who understand her processing and sensory issues. She needs somewhere that can meet her needs. Unfortunately because she is mostly quiet at school and in the middle groups and making progress she has been removed from school action plus or whatever its new name is so we cannot access these.
They have done mentoring, they have done self esteem courses but at the end of the day they cannot help being a huge school and there are so many children with more severe needs that she is often missed.

I am not sure whether she would cope or if I could afford even the boarding side of things or not but did not know state boarding existed to be honest. I have had a quick look. The larger ones are no good at all but there are a couple of smaller ones on there. Will have a proper look. Thank you.

Is there anything school could be doing to reduce her anxiety out of school? Ie: no homework, later start when there are less people coming and going. She is essentially school refusing (which the school should be logging), and I have no doubt that her violence towards you is a result not of your parenting but because she IS extremely anxious and angry with you for "making her go to school every day" and not being able to help her there. In your own words, there are children with more severe needs...now it seems to me that you have to tell the school that she has very very severe needs if she is being so violent to you.

she has chosen to cross a line that means you need to protect yourself and she needs consequences. Call the police.

as you may be blamed you need proof of the bahaviour you are suffering . Can you set up video surveillance of the kind people use for nannies?

Also reading your post I see your child has been bullied in the past and has always hated school. When you home schooled her did you try the deschooling period when you completely avoid all similar situations, remove any pressure or association with school? Sometimes just having a school day at home, work to do, can just make them feel that school is on the horizon again, and they never sufficiently decompress to make home schooling a successful formula.. Home schooling can sometimes mean completely starting again and taking the pressure off any sort of academic work, and just concentrating on building bonds and self esteem. This has been our experience with a recently home schooled son (ASD) who was not coping with secondary. Academics took a back seat for a while and we tried to get out, and enjoy life for a bit together (meeting other home schoolers along the way) I understand that you cannot afford to homeschool but could you take a break from work in the short-term whilst you try and get to the bottom of the behaviour. Another financial aspect would be DLA, which you can apply for if your child has a disability, and needs a lot of care over and above a NT teen to cope, ie: you need to organise everything for her and she is essentially school refusing - that would be a piece of evidence in combo with SEN status at school, any future diagnoses.

Has she been referred to an OT to discuss her sensory issues - other people in her space, reacting to touch, disliking the whole school environment, noise? It seems an very important aspect of her anxieties; Sensory Processing Disorder and ASD are often co-morbid, as are slow processing or SpLD (I'm not sure if you have an Aspergers or autism spectrum disorder diagnosis) Autism in girls often goes unrecognised, especially if they are academically capable and quiet well behaved in school.

Another thing to do would be to video her outbursts and violent behaviour, or take pictures of any bruises or injuries she causes you. Or even just record the sound.

A friend has just mentioned to me that her teen experienced violent mood swings due to a undiagnosed lack of Vitamin B12. Is it worth doing a blood test? Vitamin B injections from GP were magical remedy, and this was after two years of serious self esteem, school related problems.