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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD re BIL and SIL

51 replies

wannadancethenightaway · 23/03/2016 20:30

So my MIL wants to look after my DD and my BIL and SIL DS who are roughly the same age I've or take a few months. She is fantastic with them and loves them to pieces. When she expressed an interest in looking after the DC my DH and I realised that there is a part of her house that is potentially unsafe for children. The stairs come into living room and there's no bannister - fine if you're an adult but could be lethal if you're a child. Anyway MIL is in her early 60s and FIL died a couple of years back so there is no way we would ever ask her to shell out any money on adding a bannister. We briefly mentioned to her that it was a bit unsafe and she wholeheartedly agreed. We told her we'd pay for a bannister to be added and DH close friend is a joiner so he'd do it for un I expensively. MIL said to us to ask BIL and SIL as their child would also benefit from this safety feature being added. When we broached the subject with them they agreed that it was really needing done but refused to contribute. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I'm happy to just pay so that it gets done for the DC and for peace of mind but can't help think that BIL and SIL are a bit tight.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 23/03/2016 22:36

I would just pay it and think very poorly of my BIL and SIL. You can't make someone care about something if they don't, you can't make someone pay out if they don't want to or see no need to.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 23/03/2016 22:37

Have you posted about this before? Sounds familiar...

mrsmeerkat · 23/03/2016 22:43

I think they are terribly selfish and mean but I would quietly pay the money and be very kind to your mil

I wouldn't raise the issue with them again... but I think things have a funny way of turning out. They may well need something from you again.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 23/03/2016 22:44

They are being unreasonable, tight and irresponsible.

what does your mil say about them not paying? If she's annoyed she could always say that one condition of watching both children is for the bannister to be put in as she'd never forgive herself if something happened and she thinks it's fair for you both to go halfers.

Otherwise pay for it knowing your child and dn will be safer thanks to you.

FunkyPeacock · 23/03/2016 22:45

Since it was you that expressed concerns about the lack of bannister and instigated getting the joiner then I would be inclined just to pay up and not make a big deal if it

I agree that in an ideal world they would offer to contribute but since they haven't and you would be keen to have the bannister fitted anyway regardless of their DS also benefitting it would be churlish to make it an issue IMO

DoreenLethal · 23/03/2016 22:49

I fell down stairs with no banister. I was off work for 3.5 months, had two operations and still cant straighten my arm. And still have flashback nightmares grabbing for the bannister. It was 10 years ago.

I would give anything not to have had my life changed by this event. It wrecked me for years. Just do it.

WonderingAspie · 23/03/2016 22:51

YANBU. They can afford that car because they are tight arses. It is free the safety of their child too. Would they have flagged this up as an issue if you hadn't? Or just been glad of the free childcare and not bothered?

MrsSteptoe · 23/03/2016 22:58

YANBU to think they're miserable buggers, but YWB even more U to get stuck on this. It's an extra £60. Just pay it. View it as something that you're doing to keep your niece safe because she deserves that. (And your DC, of course.)

ElementaryMyDear · 23/03/2016 23:07

My DM doesn’t have a banister on her stairs. She just taught the GC to come down her stairs safely. None of them ever came a cropper on her stairs.

How does she guarantee that there is no possibility whatsoever of someone tripping and falling over the side, Bluesky?

Italiangreyhound · 23/03/2016 23:17

The relatives are being mean but you should get this done and paid for.

DoreenLethal so sorry for your experience.

FishWithABicycle · 23/03/2016 23:18

They are being unreasonable but it's not worth the agro for the sake of £60. Pay for the bannister It needs doing anyway. BIL and SIL get to be freeloaders but you get the moral highground.

commonsenseplease · 23/03/2016 23:18

As she's getting on a bit, it would be a sfety issue for her, too.

YANBU. If they had any thoughts for her safety as well as ALL the kids - hers and yours - they'd cough up.

NewYearSameMe · 23/03/2016 23:20

Given what you are saving in childcare costs, it's not very much money. I would just pay for it and not give their meanness any headspace. People like that like to feel that they have 'won' something by getting someone else to pay, if you get pissed off then you validate their pettiness.

The little devil inside me would be tempted to let MIL start looking after their DC a couple of weeks before your DC starts with her, and would only arrange for the bannister to be fitted a couple of days before your DC goes there.

laurierf · 23/03/2016 23:24

Agree with pp - yes, you are right to think they are being tight and thoughtless. Don't waste time and energy trying to convince them or others of that that though - get your DM sorted with a bannister which, as you rightly say, will give you all peace of mind.

Theambler · 23/03/2016 23:56

lightgreengrass

You are correct. The granddaughter was quite seriously hurt, fractured her skull IIRC. And the last I remember reading was that the GPs sill hadn't fitted bannisters.

Fatmomma99 · 24/03/2016 00:52

what do you care about more? Is it your child's safety or sharing the cost?
If it's sharing the cost and they wont' pay up, don't go further and hope it isn't your DC that falls.
If you care more about the safety then pay for it to be done and take the moral high ground that ALL the children will be safer.

Bring it up at regular intervals if it helps!

curren · 24/03/2016 06:25

Tbf have they refused because they don't like getting told they have to contribute.

Quite honestly dbro arranges stuff that I have to pay up and it's pisses me off and I refuse now regardless of what it is. I have told him he needs to speak to me first before arranging something with the expectation I will pay half.

Simple fact is, if you want it done you need to pay for it. Simple. It would be nice if they contributed. But it's doesn't look like they are.

Maybe next time, ask before offering something you want them to contribute to.

Birdsgottafly · 24/03/2016 07:12

As said, you just need to accept that they are tight and pay for it.

How long is it since your MIL has been round 1 year olds? I find myself much more cautious with my GD and it could be your MIL getting injured reacting to one of the children on the stairs and falling herself.

My GD is fearless, she's fifteen months and I'm constantly on guard in the park, whereas with mine, I would have left them a bit more.

She'll need a banister eventually, for herself, anyway.

Having two children of the same age is very different to just the one, they like to be first and shove/push past each other.

DoreenLethal · 24/03/2016 07:15

My DM doesn’t have a banister on her stairs. She just taught the GC to come down her stairs safely. None of them ever came a cropper on her stairs.

This isn't about not being taught to come down stairs properly. I came down stairs properly for 38 years. In my case, someone walked backwards at the top, so I stepped back and missed my footing and there was nothing to grab hold of on the way down which would have helped me to stop falling.

Original poster
wannadancethenightaway · 24/03/2016 09:19

cosynook re your first paragraph...these are the type of people that make me Angry we've raised a safety concern that affects their child as well as ours and they've wholeheartedly agreed but they're as tight as two coats of paint so it's our responsibility. I'll pay it obviously but it kind of makes me think they're assholes.

OP posts:
lightgreenglass · 24/03/2016 09:37

They are arseholes.

LaConnerie · 24/03/2016 10:29

My DM doesn’t have a banister on her stairs. She just taught the GC to come down her stairs safely. None of them ever came a cropper on her stairs.

Sorry but this kind of statement makes my blood boil. I have a friend who's arm is badly and painfully scarred from her wrist to shoulder from a severe burn as a child. Her parents insisted on putting their tea and coffee cups on a low coffee table within her reach because 'they were teaching their children not to touch and that no means no' Hmm

maydancer · 24/03/2016 10:49

I thought having a bannister was building regs.I am amazed so many houses don't have them.I don't think I have ever seen stairs with an open drop to the side-that is what you mean, right?

LaConnerie · 24/03/2016 10:59

It is building regs. But building regs cannot be enforced retrospectively, or if works are carried out without involving the local authority (ie illegally!).

Bluebolt · 24/03/2016 11:42

They are arse holes but I know quite a few people who drive top cars who are ready cash skint.