AIBU..... Row with daughter

[IthinkIamsinking]

Am genuinely keen to hear other's opinions.
Bit of background. My 17 (nearly 18) DD plays a musical instrument and every Wednesday attends a gathering of other musicians to teach younger kids how to play same instrument. She gets paid a small amount per child. She is usually out from 6.15pm to around 8.30 to 9pm. She also plays as part of a large group every Thursday in a venue which she loves and has been doing for a while. This involves a later night and she is usually out from about 7 until midnight (she gets a lift home) I have been very about how late this is but she gets such enjoyment out of these sessions that I have relented.
So here is the AIBU
She is due to sit her A2 exams which start probably about six weeks after Easter. She needs to get AAA to take up her place at Uni. She works hard and I never have to nag her to work but I have said she needs to choose one of the nights as it is too much for her to be out two consecutive nights every week in the run up to her exams. She can then do the two nights again after exams
My DD has just stormed off after an argument saying it is not fair.
Just wondered what others thought.

Oh! Not good.

It's not your decision to make really. If she thinks she can do both, then she can do both.

I played in two orchestras and took music exams right through my A levels and got 4 As (which was very good in 1989!)
I think it helped me because I enjoyed it and it was where my friends were. I do very badly when I get bored and lonely, which I usually was at school.

It depends on your daughter. you need to work with her to work out what is good for her, and if she needs gentle help to see what's good and bad, help her with that by asking questions and guiding her towards sensible conclusions.

Cutting things out that aren't priorities (to you) doesn't necessarily help what's left. Sometimes the non-priorities are actually the sustaining things that make the other stuff possible.

She'll probably make the right decision when she's calmed down. I think some if the midnight finishes are going to have to go. She may realise that herself.

Step away from your Daughter.

IthinkIamsinking - could you ask her what else she thinks would help her cope with the stress and exhaustion of exams, study and the music? Say to her that you don't want her to have to give up either of her evenings, but you are worried about her tiredness. Hopefully she'll see that you are treating her as an adult, and that will help sort out the current row.

When she goes to university she is going to have to manage study, social,life, hobbies and tiredness, so balancing these, and looking after her health herself, is a good life skill for her to learn.

That transition from setting the rules and boundaries for years to having to take a step back is certainly a new experience for me. I suppose it is inevitable there will be teething problems.

YABU

IN six months she will be at Uni, looking after herself and having to organise her own study time. At the end of the day, if she doesnt want to study then she wont and there isnt a lot you can do about it. Just because she is home doesnt mean she will be studying.

She sounds like a very able student and she hasnt got there by being lazy or coasting.

I think that you should trust her to make the right decision for herself.

Does she have any other job or hobbies? 2 evening a week is nothing

..... meaning Vulcan ?

She had a job Hama but gave it up in February as she was struggling to get a balance between that and her college work. TBH the 6th form college she is at do seem to heap on the work.... they have a bit of a reputation for it.

If she's going to go to a uni where she needs those sorts of grades then it's probably not a bad thing she's learning about time management in college. She may need to organise part time work around uni, and uni work is often unsociable hours.

Would she not take it upon herself to realise if she has an exam the day after activities that she should probably give the activity a miss?

I would hope Angel but there have been occasions where she has come back from these evenings and has been up until really late working. I only discovered this by mistake when I have got up to go to the loo. She promised she wouldn't do this anymore and it was because she had a deadline. When she is tired she can descend into a really negative mindset about college, exams etc and starts stressing.

yabu

back off, but remind her very occasionally, if you can, that she gets tired and depressed if she doesn't get enough sleep.

I think you may be wrong, although with her best interests at heart - I'd let her keep doing these activities throughout, if she felt comfortable to.

Hi OP. Your DD sounds as though she has done extremely well so far. In your position I would backpedal totally. I would say something like this: 'I forgot for a moment how sensible and mature you are and actually how you are quite capable of organising your own strategies for your AS Levels. So, on reflection, can I just ask you to carry on being sensible and promise me that if your music nights out start to affect your abilities to study, that you'll take whatever steps are necessary.' The stress of arguments with you will be just as unhelpful for her studies as anything.

My DDs were very studious and I never monitored their schoolwork or organised their study time. They knew they needed to spend time doing other things as well as studying for a decent balance, as were both prone to work a bit too hard really, both total straight A students, with 1st degrees and masters, both employed. One suffered from studying too much I think, but it all came from her own motivation. If anything I wished she had been easier on herself and had more fun, chosen a less stressful path... The music, in my opinion, is just as important as the exams.

I have dds 18 & 20 .. both doing well .. But from the age of around 16 have managed their own lives ...they are adults.

I always keep a close eye, and have the odd input with guidance and advice 😄
But they have the confidence to manage their own time and lives.
Take a step back.

She needs the down time too. I went to see bands during my exams. I needed it.

In a few months she will going to university and having to study / decide when to go out.

Your brain can only absorb 7 hours' worth of information per day- if you continue studying past that point the new stuff just replaces the old, so it's a waste. On those grounds if she is revising all day every day, she should take every evening off, not just two. If it was me I wouldn't stay out until midnight if I had an exam the next day, but other than that I don't see the problem. People get overwrought about exams, imo. Yes, you need to prepare and practice, but doing it to the point that you are exhausted, stressed out, wired, confused and demotivated just because other people think it's the right thing to do is completely counter-productive. It's also important to rest, exercise, get fresh air, get a sense of perspective, interact with other people etc.

I think you are very lucky to have a dc who is doing something so worthwhile. You say you never have to nag her to work, and it sounds as though she is a motivated person and manages this well . Just be grateful. She sounds able to make her own decisions very ably and in my experience (learnt the hard way) its much better to let them make their own choices at this age .

Your DD needs to sort this out herself, she is nearly 18 and you are trying to run her life for her.

Your DD works hard and sounds like you have installed in her good work ethics.

I bet if you sit back now and don't utter another word about this subject your DD will work out for herself what she needs to do both work wise and going out wise.

I had to learn in my first year uni that writing my essays at 1 or 2 in the morning was not productive and made Me both feel terrible and do poorly. But it's a lesson I had to learn for myself. If someone had 'told' me I'd have dug in. Ah, the joys of teenage 'Dom I'm so glad I have (just under) 9 years before the teens