AIBU/PFB about this girl at DDs nursery?

[BettyBi0]

AIBU/PFB about this girl at DDs nursery?

So DD1 is 2+2 months. In January she moved up to the big room at nursery (2-5 year olds) and recently she's been displaying some behaviours that I'm a bit worried about. I'm not sure if I'm being really PFB or if this is a problem I should be raising with the nursery.

There are a couple of older girls who have taken her under their wing and really like "looking after" her all day. They rush over to greet her in the morning and fight over who gets to hold her hands etc then drag her off into whatever role play game they are playing. They kind of treat her like a dolly. She does look young for her age as she is still very baldy and although she is usually quite shy she is very verbal at home.

She has started saying some horrible things at home in a really angry voice when she is role playing with her soft toys like "still still! You are not listening! I've told you once, I told you twice! Stop talking! Come here right now!" And then she viciously drags the toys around and throws them or sits on top of them and says "now shut up!" Or "I'm not listening to you anymore" It's all said in a proper angry shouty voice and it's so sad to hear. It's the polar opposite of the gentle parenting we've practised from the start. Although we've definitely had some tantrums from over usual toddler things, they are totally different from this kind of thing and we've never used any of that kind of language with her.

Yesterday in the park we bumped into one of these girls who came running over to say hi to DD. Then she went off to play with her same age friend (?3-4 year old) in the sandpit and I heard her bossing the other girl around something chronic. She was using exactly the same horrible phrases and tone and physically pushing and dragging the other girl around. Both their mums just carried on sipping their coffees and chatting oblivious to it all. I didn't intervene as my DD was in the middle of climbing up a rope climbing frame/slide thing about 10 meters away and I couldn't abandon her at the top. It was like a penny dropping and I realised "aha that's where she is getting it from!"

Should I be raising this with the nursery? I'm really worried about my DD repeating these behaviours. The only place she could have learned them was from these girls as there is no way the nursery staff speak like that - I hope! I was mortified when DD showcased the whole viscious repertoire the other day when we had some friends over for a play date. Including telling one little friend "I'll smash your face!" While trying to snatch a toy off her. I get that the snatching/sharing struggles are par for the course with toddler development but my friends were looking at me horrified by the kinds of things she was saying. It was like a mini exorcist I kid you not. She is usually such a kind, gentle girl and even when she is loosing her sh*t over getting in the buggy for example, she is always using her normal voice and can be talked around.

AIBU in thinking I can somehow sort this out by getting the nursery to intervene somehow and keep DD away from this other girl? Or should I just accept that this is just the beginning of the whole social jungle that I can't protect her from? My general line so far is trying to explain to her that the angry voice and cross words are not a good choice, getting her to recognise that her unkind actions have made someone else feel sad, say sorry etc.

AIBU? PFB? What can I do?

Not true, there are 5 year olds at my sons nursery in Scotland and there will be loads more turning 5 before they go to school in August

I think that this is not necessarily a question of age ranges necessarily bit of nursery staff not being on the ball. My experience of a preschool environment was that the kids were always in sight of at least one and usually more staff members, who used their judgement and knowledge of each child as to when to see if they can sort themselves out and when an adult needed to intervene. I would be concerned that the nursery hadn't spotted this as well as that they hadn't done anything.

My nursery had 0-4 year olds. 0-2 seperate. 2-4 mixed but did specific activities for part of the day like pre-school work.

If my DD at 2 had been stuck with only 2 year olds she would've hated it.

They are meant to tailor to the individual child and should be aware of their behaviours.

Age range In the room is to big, 2-5 year olds, some of these are still toddlers and some are school age!
Ideally that wide an age group should be split into two smaller age groups.
And yes the staff should be stopping that kind of talk e.g ' let's use our nice talking voices, let's say nice words' etc

definitely speak to her key teacher, as others have stated, the older girl with the bad behaviour is just repeating behaviour that she has witnessed at home. but by saying things like ' il smash you in the face' that is definitely worrying, although your daughter probably has no understanding of what it actually means, i would definitely be concerned as you do not want her thinking aggressive behaviour is a way of getting what she wants

My ds nursery is only small and council run but they have 3 rooms, 0-2, 2-3 and 3-5. I would raise with nursery. She sounds young to be in an older room with higher child:staff ratio.

Wow, thanks so much for the feedback. I've rung the nursery and set up an informal chat with the key worker for 5 o'clock today.

On the whole we've been really happy with the nursery. It's pretty chaotic and loud but the kids all just run around a massive free play room with lots of optional activities and they definitely meet the staffing ratios as the ofsted was outstanding. The children are broken down into mixed age family groups for some sessions in the day and allowed to run riot with free play for the rest. I'd always thought the family groups were a good idea as she learns lots from the older kids but I definitely want her to be free to join in on the activity tables and do some drawing, painting, play dough etc with the other little ones and not just be a passive follower of the big kids in their grown up games.

Ugh.. Just have to work out how to phrase it now when I meet with the key worker. Previously when she has mentioned DD being "looked after" by the big girls she has said things like "bless em, they really look after her" so I hope I can get her to see another side.

One thing to look out for is if they have little playhouses, or closed off areas - this sort of behaviour could be going on in there, so the staff should be alerted to check up on them while they're in there.
If they don't have any of these, then that's not going to be so much of an issue, but I would suggest that you would prefer that your DD spent less time with the bigger girls, maybe?

I'm glad to hear you'll be talking to the nursery. I'd be doing the same in your situation. This situation needs to be addressed.

The five rooms works brilliantly and key workers tend to stay the same. Perhaps don't judge something you haven't experienced.

I've PMed you, OP

So I met with the key worker and it went really well. She took some notes and said she would keep a close eye and ask other staff members to as well, including the older girls' key workers. Thankfully she said that DD hasn't been saying the same phrases at nursery and had always been gentle and lovely with the other kids.

We agreed a plan that she'd intervene and divert DD to other activities and encourage her relationships with the other 2 year olds more. Then we'll review again in a week. Phew! All positive steps.

Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I just didn't want to be seen as "that overprotective parent" or a PIA to the nursery workers but they were actually really receptive and I wouldn't hesitate to just go straight in next time and talk about anything similar.

That's great, OP, good outcome. Just keep your eye on it, sounds promising.

Sounds like a good meeting. Make sure nursery does review the situation with you, not just feel it's been handled and leave it at that. Don't feel afraid to be the "squeaky wheel" if you feel it's not being monitored properly.

Hate to introduce a note of discord, but are you absolutely certain both children are not reproducing the behaviour of a nursery worker?

That's good.
Atenco. It might be a parent!
Nursery worker sounds good if she follows through. I worked in a nursery like this when they changed premises they divided up the children more and it was better.
No, you are not an over protective parent. Hope it is sorted out. They will probably ensure your DD doesn't play with them as much and a key worker will listen in to see what is happening.

Sounds like a positive meeting and the Keyworker will keep an eye on things.

I don't think grouping children aged 2-5 is ideal to be honest. Their needs and abilities are vastly different. Would you consider a different nursery?