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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my 12 year old DD to make her own way home

41 replies

Hercule · 21/03/2016 16:15

For a few months now DD has been going out with friends during the day at the weekend and often calls asking to be picked up - usually from town centre which is about a mile away, sometimes a bit further.

As it has been Winter with afternoons getting dark and weather not great I have driven to collect her. But as the weather gets nicer and brighter I would like her to walk home. Especially as she is now wanting to go out after school as well.

I have said she needs to be home by 5.30 for tea. However I expect her in general to make her own way home. I do not want to keep having to drive out and get her:

a) it's not environmentally friendly ( I try myself not to use the car for short distances and regularly walk 2 miles to work and back)

b) she has legs which work perfectly well

c) she us the eldest of 3 so once they're all going out further afield I don't want to spend my life bring a taxi driver.

Obviously if it was later/darker, bad weather or further away or I felt like it wasn't safe then of course I'd pick her up.

Apparently I am being unreasonable and everyone else's parents pick them up. I have a feeling that in some cases this is true, as she has in the past been dropped off by friends ' parents. Obviously if the same parents keep picking up their children and offering to drive mine home is it expected that I return the favour even though I think they could all walk?

So AIBU ?

OP posts:

SanityClause · 21/03/2016 21:20

Sorry, my lady paragraph should read you would be doing her no favours....

It wasn't supposed to sound critical of you.

SanityClause · 21/03/2016 21:21

Gaaah! last paragraph!

fourage · 21/03/2016 21:25

I don't mind giving lifts. I am happy yo give lifts when time is short/ kids are tired. OH is happy to give me a lift anywhere at any time.
My parents gave me no lifts. I had to do a 10 mile round trip every Sunday to attend a judo class, it felt mean to me.

My kids have busy schedules, and get more than enough exercise. youngest DD has 20 hours of extra curricular exercise a week, I don't need her to walk home from school.

starry0ne · 21/03/2016 21:29

YNBU ...However I will add I used to go to local disco bus ride away and all my friends parents used to take it in turns to pick us up..My parents didn't ( mum didn't drive) it did leave me embarrassed accepting lifts... So if all other parents are doing it please take your turn.

That said you are not a taxi and she needs to make plans how to get home on a normal day.

Meow75 · 21/03/2016 21:34

TiredofSleep
Did you grow up in Lincoln by any chance. Your reference to Steep Hill is a bit of a clue.

Waitingfordolly · 21/03/2016 21:48

YANBU. My DD is 12. I bought a house 5 mins away from town so she could walk easily but we still get caught up in people wanting to do shared lifts to things that my DD would just walk to. Or she accepts a short lift home from someone then I feel obligated to return the favour. Like you, happy to do it in the dark but in the light / better weather she can look after herself.

Lurkedforever1 · 21/03/2016 21:52

Yanbu. Dd walks over that each way to get the bus for school. I'll also give her bus money to get to a town a few miles away, but if she goes to the nearest one just as a social thing (3 mile round trip) she walks/ bikes. Her and her friends do that pretty regularly, even though it's just a few village shops and a bakery.

I'll collect her if it's dark/ rainy/ unsafe, but otherwise she does it under her own steam.

DowntonIsMyHome · 21/03/2016 21:58

DS (13) walks a mile home from school daily and I make him walk home from the adventure park with a friend, which is about a mile; however a friend's parents gave them bus money to get to the park (less than a mile)

If she's confident enough to walk and she's not alone, I'd make her walk now the light evenings have arrived

AChickenCalledKorma · 21/03/2016 21:59

My 13 yo is about to go abroad on a school trip (this is relevant, bear with me!)

At the parents' meeting several parents were shocked to hear that the kids will be traveling by public transport without adult supervision from time to time. It's an exchange trip and this is completely normal for 13 yos in the city they are visiting, so they will be traveling to school etc in the same way as their exchange partners.

I was flabbergasted to find that my not-particularly-streetwise daughter is apparently the only one of her friends who already gets herself to and from the nearest shopping centre without mummy coming to pick her up. It's an important skill and they are easily old enough to start being a bit more independent (and stop taking mums taxi for granted!)

AmysTiara · 21/03/2016 22:03

Yes I do the same thing with DS who is also twelve. There are only a couple of his friends who always get lifts.

honeylulu · 21/03/2016 22:23

You are not unreasonable at all. My secondary school was two towns away so I got the bus from age 11 and I loved it. Always preferred NOT to have a lift from parents after that. Some of the girls were always driven to and from school, even in the sixth form. The first term at Uni was a real shock to them. One girl told me she cried every day for the first term as she couldn't cope with the sudden "independence" bestowed upon her.

Lighteningirll · 21/03/2016 22:42

Yadnbu I have lived here 18 months lovely quiet close the only neighbour I have seen walk anywhere is the happy fit active 75 year old over the road. All the dc get driven everywhere and no one even walks to the local shop except me and I think they call me mad fitbit woman. I'm sure there would be far less of an obesity crisis if we bought back walking.

PinkFluffiUnicorn · 21/03/2016 22:44

My Ds is 12, we live about 30/40min walk from town, he knows he has to get home on his own, only once has he phn to say it's dark can you come get me, I don't have a car so it takes the mum taxi away, most of the kids walk home.

missymayhemsmum · 21/03/2016 23:00

Yanbu.
The argument that's worth having here is that she and her friends should plan how and when they are getting home before they go out, not decide they're too tired to walk home and call mum's taxi. So either they agree to walk home together by 5.30, or get the bus, or arrange for one of the parents to pick up at a time convenient to the parent, which means you can fit it in with (say) a supermarket trip when it's your turn. Or she uses her bike.

She will of course regard this as totally unreasonable as she is a free spirit, practising for teenagerhood and you exist purely to do her bidding.

Aftershock15 · 21/03/2016 23:18

Do the other girls live near you? Maybe contact their parents and say you are hoping to give your dd a bit more independence and thought walking home from town in daylight was a good first step so would their girls like to do it too. They might also be told everyone else picks up.

If she has a phone I would also suggest to her that getting herself home was one of the things expected of someone who was mature enough to have a phone.

Fatmomma99 · 22/03/2016 00:34

I would say in terms of distance, it's fine for your DD to walk it, esp for all the reasons you give.

However, I wouldn't want my 14 yr old DD to walk alone, and if she was by herself, I would go and pick her up, even if it wasn't far and bad environmentally.

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