to blame DH for the DCs poor behaviour?

[JustCleo]

DH does not discipline the DC or attempt to back up anything I do. He does what they want, when they want and let's them get away with anything. The baby, for example, is a climber and he'll watch her climbing on furniture/beds/the stairs but never remove her or tell her not to. He let's her carry around dangerous things (I.e marbles and ceramic bowl) rather than removing them. He responds immediately to whinging by picking her up or passing her something (usually something she isn't allowed) but mostly Ignores any other noise or attempt at communication. If she complains about something (like not wanting to go in the pushchair) he'll let her not do whatever it is.

Our 3 yo Ignores him most of the time at best and shouts at/is rude to him at worst. He also responds to her whinging by picking her up and if she complains about something (like having to wash her hands before eating) then he doesn't make her do it. I've worked hard to get her to sit at the table and feed herself (she has issues with food) but when he's here he let's her sit on his lap and feeds her by hand On days out he will carry her or put her in the pushchair (meaning I have to carry the baby) because he won't tell her to walk in case she complains. She then falls asleep or doesn't really get anything from the day out. She's nearly 4 and walks fine when he isn't here. He will ask her to do something, she'll shout no and he'll end up doing it (I. E. Picking up toys) and overall just does whatever makes his life easier in the moment rather than thinking of the future.

Every week we go through whinging and moaning all weekend; from the DC because they don't understand what's expected of them and they know whinging gets results from him and from him because he gets fed up of the whinging from them. Then on Monday I have to face an awful day of 'resetting' them into not being carried around, not screaming and shouting, using manners, eating at the table and feeding themselves, walking, not whinging, not doing dangerous things etc. By Wednesday they're happy and back to normal and DH always comments on how happy they seem and seems clueless why they're unhappy at weekends.

He picked up the baby when whinging and let the 3 yo speak to him like dirt about twenty times within half hour yesterday morning so I later said to him that he is making things harder for everyone in the long run by pandering to them and explained how Mondays are awful. He says IABU to blame him for Mondays when he isn't even here but I think it's a no-brainer and cruel to the DC to expect them to go through this process every week. AIBU?

I'm not strict at all, I'm just consistent and do what I say. For example - if I say to the baby 'let's put you in your pushchair' after the park, when we have to walk along a busy road, she will be going in the pushchair whether she kicks off or not. So long as it isn't when he's recently been around then she's an absolute dream and goes in with no fuss whatsoever.

The three year old doesn't need a nap, she just gets bored. We have a Phil&Teds pushchair and she goes on the bottom so she can get in and out but if DH is there she just stays in there and eventually goes to sleep. On Saturday we went out with friends and I wouldn't have even put the bottom seat on the pushchair because they have a 4 yo so would think dd would be off playing but DH put it on and strapped her in straight away and she sat in there and didn't speak to anyone all day. At lunch he sat and held her food for her while she took bites and he even struggled big time to carry the pushchair up steps with her in it rather than risk her protesting at being asked to get out even for a minute. If she needs the toilet he'll carry her there and wipe her bum so he doesn't have to ask her to wash her hands. If she sneezes she'll shout 'tissue, now!' at him and he'll fetch it...! He isn't doing her any favours by not encouraging independence.

As for saying rude talking is a matter of opinion - he will say 'DD it's time to come and brush your teeth' and she will shout 'NO! I am playing and you will not be brushing my teeth. I want mummy to do it and you can just go away so I can play in peace.' That certainly is rude and not a way I want her to speak, but DH will just do as he's told and go away.

My DS has tantrums. He is 18 months old.
When he was a bit younger and he first tarted understanding 'no' he would lash out by hitting/ kicking/throwing the closest thing to hand.
I obviously taught him this was unacceptable.
STBXH (was simply H at the time) saw this and laughed. He thought it was 'funny' and 'cute' and so DS would go further. Lay on the floor and move to hit/ kick whatever was close by it was funny and cute but hardly the point the more STBXH laughed the more it egged on DS.
I now have a 18month old 13 kilo chunky little head strong bad tempered little boy as a result. Who will go full on nuclear if it isn't going his way.
Get in th buggy? Fucking tantrum
Eat your fruit before pudding? Fucking tantrum
Nappy change? One time he had such a tantrum he broke my glasses.

This I firmly place the blame on STBXH. Because he undermined me and when DS would tantrum and I would ignore, thereby showing it wouldn't get the result he wanted, h would come along and pander and give in and laugh and give give give. DS always gets his way and if he doesn't he just loses the fucking plot.

Not only is this annoying for me and exhausting and unfair. It's unfair for DS who behaves this way because he doesn't have a fucking Clue what the rules are!! Or where the 'safety zone' is to deal with his emotions or is he going to be told off today for climbing on the sofa?
Or why am I being told off today for climbing on the sofa when last night it made daddy laugh???

Dd is 3.8 and does not need a nap but he insists she has one when he is here and berates me if I don't do it when he is at work. Why? Because come 6pm she is tired and grumpy and therefore a bit naughty. And he can't deal with it.
He also does the lifting and wiping so he doesn't have to wash her hands.
He insists on putting her pyjamas on because it's quicker and he has no patience to let her do it herself.

Your husband needs to grow up. He needs to start putting his kids first and their interests. What is best FOR THEM. Instead of for HIM.
My STBXH always puts his needs first. He can't be bothered to deal with a tantrum so he panders and that is just unfair on everyone else - but mostly on the kids.

Re your DH I am totally with you OP (as per my previous post).

However... I do think you should consider the possibility that your DD is quite tired. We have a DD 3.5 and the behaviours you're describing - wanting to be fed, wanting to go in the buggy, be carried, rudeness - all happen a LOT more when she is tired. Non tired 3yos don't usually want to go in the buggy rather than play with friends IME. Maybe she does need a nap, not every day but a couple of times a week?

I appreciate that, mini pie, but when he is out or away at the weekends she isn't like it. She would never dream of demanding I feed or carry her and her behaviour is good. If she is tired, she will say so and depending on the time of day she can have a nap or we'll sit and read or do something quiet.

I seem to have missed it but how old is he younger child?

There is a 2 (roughly) ye gap between my 2 and Dd does randomly demand to be fed 'like a baby! Like my brother'
She does randomly get in the buggy when we're getting ready to go out 'I want to go in the buggy! Mummy I'm a baby!!'

So perhaps there is some attention seeking going on. She has found a way to appeal to his nature and he is struggling to treat her as he should; a pre schooler.

STBXH surprisingly admits that he struggles with the concept of Dd growing up and no longer being a baby. Maybe your dh is having the same mental block?
still needs to grow up though, he's a parent ffs

Fair enough!

Hmm, my dh didn't even realise when he was being inconsistent I think you will find that the kids get the measure of both the parents and act accordingly incidentally a few painful days out got him on page as he was knackered constantly trying to get them to do what he wanted , whereas they did as I asked more or less immediately as they knew I would follow through with a consequence .it wasn't easy but I also pulled him up every time he was inconsistent , tho not in. For the on the children I would never undermine him in front of the kids

I'm hornswoggled at a 3 yr old wanting to stay in a buggy all day, without even a view. I was assuming you meant she was asking to go in after lunch or something! Seriously, what? Something very odd going on there. Exhausted? Rebellion? Even novelty value would only last half an hour or so with most 3 yr olds I know (or maybe 5 minutes...).
What does she say if you ask her why?

What happens if you carry on parenting your normal way through this? If you wait 10 minutes so as not to be undermining then say 'OK Jemima, time to get out of the buggy now so you can play'?

(On the plus side you have a 3 yr old who asks for a tissue instead of just sniffling?!)

I could almost have written your post a few years ago OP. My husband was like that with our eldest (who was also our only for a long time).He thought he was "being nice" and "keeping him quiet " by acceding to every demand. It meant I ended up being stricter as a counterbalance which pissed me off - why did I always have to be bad cop? I felt completely undermined which didn't help things between us as a couple.
Needless to say our son became a total brat.He would nag and moan for something, daddy would give in. Instead of enjoying the treat, our son would immediately nag and whinge for the next thing he wanted. He had zero respect for his dad and spoke to him like dirt, even lashed out at him. He wouldn't have dared to do that to me. Husband would say "oh he's only little ... All children are like that" Er, no they aren't!
Finally he wasn't so little any more and the behaviour did start to pall and become publicly embarrassing. Husband stated losing his temper which was a major shock to son. He got stricter and things got better eventually. We now have a toddler too and dad is much firmer with her, thank god.
Good luck. I hope you have better luck getting your husband to listen to you than I did. Maybe show him this post!

She'd cry and he'd carry her catkind. If he wasn't there she wouldn't even mention the pushchair or carrying.

Her behaviour is starting to get embarrassing towards him honey. We ate out last week and there was a chair on one side of the table and a bench on the other. I sat on the chair and dd on the bench. When he bought the food over, she refused to have him sitting on the bench with her and kept shouting loudly to go away. There were no other seats at first so he ate while standing, then sat somewhere else. At times like this he keeps looking at me to tell her off, but like you I'm fed up of always being the bad guy and having to be more strict to compensate for him.

I would tell him either you both parent or the rest of the world will, and the rest of the world won't love them when they do it,

I think he lacks confidence in how to deal them when they cry or kick off and feels bad so avoids it at all costs which I agree maybe not ideal but he needs some help there. He may feel too embarrassed to say he feels it's hard work. I think it's guidance that he needs.

watching with interest as this is a real problem in our house as well. because dh works all the time when he is at home with the children its 'anything for a quiet life'. he will hand over the ipad, his phone, anything to keep them occupied so that he doesnt have to literally get down on the floor and play with them. i work fulltime also so still manage to do those things and its one of the few areas of our married life where we argue alot. teaching them manners, life skills, social skills, homework, personal grooming, etc dh just finds it all so tedious and im at the point where im thinking to just shoulder it on my own and leave him as the disney dad. either that or over time see his resentment at my nagging seep into not spending anytime at all with the kids. he had very absent parents and was brought up by nannies all his childhood so its completely out of his experience to be a hands on parent.

I think your expectations of your children are completely reasonable. It's such a shame that he is making life hard for you. Perhaps you could film some behaviours in similar situations both midweek and at the weekend so he can see the massive difference his parenting makes.
In the meantime, you could ask about Mondays on the nannies board. I know a couple of nannies who have the same problem, with their charges lacking any discipline over the weekend and then having to get back to their rules come Monday.

What does she say if you ask her why she doesn't want to play? I can get wanting to be babied in some ways. DD does sometimes, for 5 minutes, we see it as no big deal, 5 minutes later she wants to be a big girl again and anyone babying her gets short shrift. But wanting to sit in a pushchair instead of having fun? Just why?

I feel your pain OP

And i've learned the name of my problem. Conflict Avoidance. DH is a conflict avoider when it comes to DD. (He's totally unafraid of conflict in any other situation.)

DH is unwilling/unable to stand up to DDs whims. It's me who lays down the laws and me who keeps them stuck to. He'll openly say ''i don't see her all day so the couple of hours i'm with her i'm not going to spend telling her off'. Super. That leaves me as what?

The thing is it's backfiring for him lately. She behaves fine all day for me (for a 2 year old) and he comes home and she goes bonkers, whinging, taking him by the hand and leading him round the house making him do stupid stuff,letting her do the things i've been teaching her not to all bloody day. He literally cannot sit on a chair or read or do anything for more than 10 seconds before she has him up and doing stuff. He complies with her every wish BUT she gets frustrated quickly, rejects him and then comes to me. He's left upset and wondering 'what daddy's done wrong'. Looking at me with sadness and confusion.

She wont 'let' him put her to bed. She wont 'let' him give her any medicine. She wont 'eat for him'. She wont settle for him if she wakes at night. That's all my responsibility. sigh.

tiggytape - one way to address it is to stress how awful the children are going to find things like nursery and school and making friends if they get too used to this.

Yes! Just yesterday DH was letting DD jump up and down on a book which she had chucked on the floor. He knows i don't like to see books ill-treated and am trying to teach DD to treat them with respect.

So i walked in, saw what she was doing and I told her sternly 'no', and put the book back on the shelf. Then i said to DH 'she'll learn not to treat books like this here, with us, at home, or she'll learn the hard way at nursery because someone else will have to tell her off'! It seemed to strike a chord. Grrrrr.

Yes, can you play up the 'you're the big girl, you have to show younger sibling how we do things' approach?

The telling him what to do and shouting is really rude and I wouldn't accept that at all. Seriously, he stands up to eat his food because a 3yo tells him he has to? No way. For that could you do the 'Daddy will take you outside if you keep shouting and being naughty' and then give him the look that says 'do it!' If you got him started, would he follow through?

No, he wouldn't follow through. He sometimes threatens consequences but has never once followed through on them.

She's well behaved and compliant at nursery. She knows how to behave, she just also knows he has no backbone to stand up to her so she doesn't bother!

I can empathise with the not letting him do anything - unless it's something I won't do (like carry or feed her or wipe her bum) then she won't let him anywhere near her. I think he is conflict avoidant and I think he thinks she'll love him more for doing things her way, but it's actually the opposite. She has zero respect for him and she sighs when he arrives home.