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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex and supervised contact

24 replies

Jetcatisback · 20/03/2016 18:48

First time in AIBU (I think!)

My ex has recently been convicted and placed on sex offenders register, and after I stopped all contact between him and our DD(9) while the court case was ongoing, I now find myself in the position where I'm having regular meetings with police, probation, social setvices and school re setting up supervised contact for him and DD as she desperately wants to see him, and isn't coping too well not seeing him (we've been apart for years so this isn't a new thing for her).

There is a history of dv and ex being a control freak who thinks everyone else is in the wrong and he can set his own rules.

At the last multi agency meeting we agreed that written contact could start, agreed timescales for letters back and forth, and if DD coped with that they could move to telephone contact, with the eventual aim being face to face contact - but it needs to be carefully managed as DD is a sensitive soul and school are really worried over how much this is affecting her.

So. My AIBU. AIBU to be annoyed, worried and downright scared that I get home today to find that a card has been hand posted for DD1 from my ex. We live 30 m apart so it's not like he was passing. Apart from feeling quite intimidated that he has been to my house uninvited, it was pure chance that we weren't in, and as DD2 usually plays out the front, had she been there and saw him it would have really upset and confused her. As it is now, she keeps asking if he can come back for a visit He can't. He isn't allowed unsupervised contact with under 18s, and while his argument will be he didn't plan on seeing her, it's just another example of how he refuses to see what he has done is wrong and impacting great fully on others.

AIBU to contact his probation officer and link person at police tomorrow to request he doesn't come to my house?

OP posts:

EverySongbirdSays · 20/03/2016 18:54

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think you should contact who ever is responsible for him. One day your DD will understand what he is and will probably want NC then anyway. If he has breached his terms then the authorities need to know.

RealityCheque · 20/03/2016 18:59

How do you know that HE delivered it?

Original poster

Jetcatisback · 20/03/2016 19:03

I don't know that he delivered it Reality, but if it weren't him it would be someone from his family - who all think I'm being a cow for stopping contact and don't accept that even if I wanted contact to continue, he wouldn't be allowed to see her unsupervised. I just feel uncomfortable around the whole idea that someone has been to my house, whether it's him blatantly ignoring what he has been told he's allowed to do, or whether it's someone helping him.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2016 19:07

I would contact the relevant people who are involved by him. Surely indirect contact has to be through the right channels, this seems unofficial.

Sorebigtoes · 20/03/2016 19:21

Definitely NBU. Hopefully probation will be able to put a condition on him that he can't come to your house. If not you could probably get a civil court order - talk to a solicitor yourself (though this may cost money). Womens Aid could advise you about this as there has been dv. Good luck.

Penfold007 · 20/03/2016 19:38

The fact that he thinks everyone else except him is wrong is a classic and massive red flag. You need speak to someone about this as soon as possible.

Original poster

Jetcatisback · 20/03/2016 19:40

Thank you all. Sometimes it's hard to see if I'm thinking straight or whether I'm too involved. Will try and contact his probation officer tomorrow, but I know she only works part time.?

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 20/03/2016 20:34

I think you need to flag it up. He has timescales he is supposed to follow and he has breached them and has (potentially) approached your home. If you let it go then what will it say to him?

Good luck.

Skittlesss · 20/03/2016 20:40

Definitely call probation and let them know. Also, is he managed by an officer who works in the public protection unit at the local police station? They would need to know as well, they work pretty closely with probation so would share information.

I'm concerned that he isn't allowed to be with u18 unsupervised. Do you know if he was given a SHPO when he was convicted? He may be in breach of that also.

You're not being unreasonable at all. It sounds like you're being extremely fair towards him xx

ailbhel · 20/03/2016 20:49

You're not being unreasonable. She doesn't understand why it's not safe to see him as much as she wants to, and nor does he. You want to be kind to them, but you are the only responsible adult in the picture.

WonderingAspie · 20/03/2016 20:49

YANBU. It's a shame your DD has to have anything to do with him at all. At 9, does she know anything about his crimes/the type of person he really is?

Original poster

Jetcatisback · 20/03/2016 21:08

To answer some questions - and thanks for your support.

DD knows the basics, that he did something he wasn't supposed to and that the police have to stop people doing things they're not supposed to.

He has 2 different 3 year orders - can't quite remember them at the moment (and trying not to put myself too much!) but I definitely remember the probation officer confirming no unsupervised contact. Ex's response (he was at the meeting) was that if it was an emergency he would clearly have to have contact. Myself, social worker and probation all said no, that under NO circumstances. He just doesn't get it.

Yes he is managed by someone at the PPU - I have his contact details as well.

Dealing with all of this just isn't how I saw my life panning out - as a CSA survivor myself I've worked damn hard to keep my kids safe

OP posts:

ailbhel · 20/03/2016 21:39

You ARE keeping them safe. Well done. Reacting like this is what "keeping them safe" looks like.

OzzieFem · 21/03/2016 09:46

I would consider getting CCTV for the front of the house. That way you can see who is dropping of hand delivered mail and have evidence of any parole breaches.

Original poster

Jetcatisback · 21/03/2016 11:00

Not sure I can afford CCTV Ozzie, in fact I know I can't. Police suggested speaking to a neighbour to see if they can keep an eye out for his car, but I don't know my neighbours that well.

Seems like with it being Easter week loads of people are on holiday, so I couldn't get hold of his probation officer, but spoke to PPU (not the named contact as they on holiday as well!) who said if he turns up to phone 101 straight away. They said that I had done the right thing in reporting it and he will be spoken to, as whether or not he dropped it off or got someone else to, it is still indirect contact (as a pp mentioned) and not in the plan that he agreed to. I have now had DD2 flying being tears and excitement all night over whether he is going to drop something off today - and she cant cope with the extremes in her emotions and why we set the agreed timescales in the first place.

I am actually sat shaking and don't want to be at home, but DD1 is poorly in bed so we cant go anywhere.

OP posts:

bibliomania · 21/03/2016 11:10

Well done on reporting it. Whether or not he hand-delivered it, he is deliberately testing the boundaries, and if you don't reinforce them now, he'll keep testing them and pushing it a little bit further every time.

You poor thing - this is really tough, but for working so hard to protect your dd.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/03/2016 11:13

yanbu at all - contact his worker and let them know - he should not be coming to your house or sending other people there.

and I echo what others have said - you ARE protecting your children - thank you for that x

coffeeisnectar · 21/03/2016 11:21

Your poor DD having to deal with this shit at 9 years old :(

I agree that firstly he has broken the order and I'm glad you've reported it. I'd also ask the relevant authorities to make it clear to his family (and he will probably say someone from his family dropped it off) that they must not assist him in breaking the order.

I've been through similar in regards no contact unless supervised and had a non mol order which prevented ex contacting me or my dds. He started getting his dad to phone me to pass on messages which broke the order and had to get the police to intervene and tell him to stop. I now won't take calls from his dad as it's draining me mentally. On the plus side, since the non mol order ran out there has been no contact from ex and he hasn't seen my youngest for nearly 18 months now. She still mentions him at times but it's getting easier. As much as it's been hard for her, in the long run it's better. The EA and manipulation was messing with her little head and she was so confused.

I wonder if your dd can get support from Women's Aid. They do counselling for children who have witnessed DV and this may help her deal with what she's going through. They often go into school to do it and they play games and do arts and crafts while talking so it's not a typical counselling session but more of a fun thing while having the chance to offload.

squeezed · 21/03/2016 11:24

You've done everything right here. Have you spoken with the social worker? This should be deemed a serious breach of the contact agreement. Also if the Probation Officer isn't there you can ask to speak to a manager or leave a message if you want to.
If he has broken any conditions on his orders then he may be taken back to court and given a punishment or more conditions. Alternatively the police and Probation may be able to apply for additional conditions or prohibitions.
It's a really difficult situation for you to be in, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

TeenAndTween · 21/03/2016 11:31

YANBU.

Plus, I think you should seriously consider telling your DD a little more detail, so that she knows to keep herself safe. Not just that 'he did something that he wasn't supposed to do',
more like
'He touched a child in their private parts of their body and that was very very wrong. No one should touch you there unless it is a doctor with Mummy present, not even Daddy. Because of this he isn't allowed to be with children without another adult present, not even you.' (or something).

I know this seems a lot to tell a young girl, but she won't understand the full implications and drip feeding and growing realisation is better than a big reveal when she is 14 or whatever. Plus it helps keep her safer should ex ever contact her directly.

(This is how adopters are advised to reveal info about DCs past)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/03/2016 12:02

I don't know how they do indirect letter contact these days but in my day it used to be through either probation or the social worker who would take delivery of the item read it check for appropreate content then hand deliver to the intended reciepiant.

But you would usually know when they were coming.

When you have those types of concerns report everything because it all builds a picture

herecomethepotatoes · 21/03/2016 12:29

Good on you for reporting it.

Also, you said you don't know the neighbours. When you're feeling up to it, make friends and ask them to look out for the car / your husband.

Original poster

Jetcatisback · 21/03/2016 14:38

Thank you all - having you all to 'listen' is really helping.

Teen, DD does know a little more, just trying not to out myself. However, what she does know has left her really confused as to why he is in so much trouble, and I really don't want to have to explain child pornography to her, it was bad enough having to explain it to my autistic 18 year old DD.

I do know my neighbour's mum, and she actually knows the situation. I think I may speak to her and ask her to speak to her daughter, she hasn't been there long but it was her nan there before her, who I was quite friendly with.

Coffee - sorry you've been through similar. I think that is what I am worried about, that even if he didn't drop it off himself, then having messages passed on from his family who all are saying that "it wasn't such a big deal what he did, no-one got really hurt" is going to send conflicting messages to my DDs apart from anything else. They are being told it is a big deal, he has been to court, got sentenced, contact must be supervised etc yet him and his entire family are saying I am just being a bitch and it is me stopping them. He even told DD to contact them and just not tell me! That was addressed at the multi agency meeting, at which point ex got extremely angry and shouted that he cant control what his family do.

I hate him more than I ever have for putting my girls through this, and bringing abuse into my life. I wish I could just move hundreds of miles away and not deal with any of this.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 21/03/2016 14:46

just want to add you absolutely did the right thing..It is about proving they can do what they want...

Everything that isn't to the letter needs flagging up..

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