AIBU - should I let up or am I right to stick with my instinct?

[Figureitout1]

Need to give some background:
Split from DH 9months ago, my choice- we were a multiracial family and had a LOT of pressure and problems with his family that were not happy about race mixing.
ExFIL was absolutely awful to point where our 3DCs (7,5,4) don't know him and he probably couldn't spot them in a lineup (we tried to facilitate some sort of relationship in the early days but when he called kids an abomination we drew the line).

ExDH and exFIL barely speak, exFIL will not be in a property or family event if I am there. ExMIL was ok to our face but awful behind our back and awful to me if my exDH wasn't around to hear/see.

ExFIL divorced exMIL about 20years ago but they have maintained a very strange relationship as she never accepted it and wants to remarry him despite the fact that he has clearly moved on and stated that this will never happen. When they divorced not sure how they worked it out but he kept his 50% share of the house that they had ie the house that she still lives in today.
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About 6 months before our split exMIL, exDH, exSIL, exBIL and all our 15 or so DC had gathered at exMIL house for a nieces birthday lunch when things kicked off and basically in laws stated how much they couldn't stand me and our mixed relationship, they would never accept it, wish they had nothing to do with our shameful marriage,etc (lots of awful, hurtful things).

ExDH was appalled at the time (but back at him mums for Sunday lunch with the family the following weekend- I was unreasonable for refusing to go apparently ) and I was livid and upset and in tears, I then turned to exMIL and said how could she let her children say these vile things to me as the mother of her grandchildren to which exSIL exploded and physically pushed me back towards the door because how dare I have the audacity to appeal to her mother when I have no rights in this house. ExSIL then told me to leave and I again turned to exMIL and said how can she let her children speak to me this way, exMIL turned and said they were right and I better leave her house.

Fast forward 3months and I got over it all and forgave the whole thing, DCs started going to exMIL again. Then we split up and exFIL stated that he didn't want either the kids or I to step foot in his house (the one he owns 50% with exMIL).

Sorry for the long background I just want to minimise drip feeding but this is my issue:
as part of our split 3DCs go to exDH every other weekend, some weekends he has been running late for pickup and asked me to drop DCs at his mums (only ever do this if I can, not a taken and he knows this). ExMIL was fine with me at these drop offs, very friendly, asked me in for a cup of tea, etc which when I had the time I went in as I wanted to be amicable with the and for the DCs to see us getting along.

About 6months ago on one of weekends exDH asked me to drop DCs at exMIL, DCs were very excited as usually when they go there will be cousins that she babysits there as well and she leaves them to run amok (no rules, do as you please kind of attitude to the grandkids- this has been an issue as children, not just mine, have been hurt before but it was a case of its not serious injuries so don't overreact as they are fine 70% of the time - exDH said this to me!!) - anyway on this occasion when I get there to drop them off she refuses to open the door and let them in as exFIL is there and she doesn't want a scene, she opens the window and shoos us away!!!

My DC (6,4,3) were distressed- crying and banging on the door to be let in, especially because 2 of their cousins were inside. She point blank refuses to open the door to them, I was beyond livid and the kids were obviously incredibly upset and I stated that if she didn't let them in today they would never be coming back here again as she would have made her point clear.

My 6 and 4 year old were inconsolable that whole week and for a long time afteras they couldn't understand why Nanny didn't open the door to them - I said she was busy, they said so why were our 2 cousins there? I said their mum was there looking after them they said so why couldn't you stay and look after us?, etc am sure you can see where it was all going and I am only human (lone parent with few friends and no family support at all as they all live abroad) and I just don't know how to handle the whole situation.

After the event she stated that she was justified in her reaction especially as I had been told by exFIL to not come to the house with the kids, etc but later changed to an apology. I was baffled as she had let us all into the house before and we had chatted and had tea, etc - I foolishly believed that we could get along

She now wants the children to come to her house as she says she is very sorry and it doesn't matter what exFIL says she owns 50% and she can have them there if she wants. As far as I am concerned she could have said this and exercised this right on hundreds of occasions before and she never bothered and I just don't trust her intentions or how genuine she is with this new leaf malarkey.

My problem is if exFIL turns up when I am not there I don't want my DCs to be sent upstairs to hide (I regretfully accepted this being done to me once) or having to hear him say nasty things about them or me in front of them. Also they all make comments about DCs hair and skin tone and say things like one is better/prettier than the other because of fair skin, blonde, blue eyes, etc Life is cruel enough without been subject to this bullshit from those who are supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally. Before all of this we very rarely let them be in her house for long periods, eg over an hour, without either one of us being there due to this comments.

My best friend had this treatment from her gran growing up and she can't be in a relationship as she always always feels like she isn't good enough and can never believe when a man finds her attractive or friend thinks she's stunning - which she is by the way but because she grew up hearing that her darker skin tone made her less than her fairer siblings she is psychologically messed forever.

Now I know my kids might not be affected in this same way but I have decided that it is a risk not worth taking, my DCs are the most important thing I will contribute to this life and I want to do as good a job as I can (as do we all)

AIBU to continue to refuse to allow DCs to go to her house and to not allow her to see them?

BTW exDH says I will eventually give in when I am desperate enough he doesn't see the issue now that she has apologised so another concern is am I just digging in my heels for the sake of it? Please give me your honest opinions but don't be too hurtful
And I am very sorry for the super long post - also name change to avoid being outed

Thank you all for your messages so far they are reassuring me that I am not completely crazy!

I allowed this nonsense to go on for far too long because I was so in love? with ex and couldn't see the woods for the trees only when the DCs came along did I start putting my foot down hence marriage breakdown.

The in laws have been trying to justify exMILs behaviour and told me that I am overreacting about the whole thing and even using the kids to control exDH as I have told him that all contact with the DCs will stop if he takes them to see his mum.

DCs see their cousins if a play date at the park, etc can be arranged- this has happened 4/5 times in the last 6 months and cousins were over for DDs birthday.

ExMIL has asked to come to my house to see the kids but I am very wary and tbh I just don't want her in my house - is this me putting myself first too much? Or is some contact with this gran important enough that I should suck it up every so often and have her in my house?

Another issue for me is since my split my life has changed so much from what it used to be - we were financially comfortable but when I left it was literally into a hostel as I had had enough of ex trying to justify his family and I felt that he was emotionally abusive in the process and just couldn't take it all so I left with nothing.

Before the split ex had sold up a lot of assets as he is in business and we were looking to do something different and we were also between houses and when the divorce went through he apparently had nothing to his name - no idea where he put it all - so am now in a council estate and I couldn't really cope with all the negative comments about my situation.

Have already heard quite a bit of nasty stuff that they have been saying after they heard from the DCs cousins, through friends that know them. I know this is a shallow reason to not want exMIL here but they have mentally toyed with me for years and I just want to breathe without all their judgements.

kaitlin Ex thinks I will give In because I have returned to university and I have no help at all with childcare but it's not even an option as far as am concerned

And we will move as far as possible as soon as am done with university but for now am tied here - only another 2 years, yay!

Contact with a gran like that is the exact opposite of important- it will harm your children.

Can you transfer to another uni? Honestly what i am reading here is so horrible i really think you should get right away if you possibly can.

Behaviour like this is not on any sort of normal scale. If you can't physically get away, you need to find the strength to tell them all to fuck off until if/when they can behave properly, and not in a way that would get them arrested for racial harrassment should they ever do it in public.

stay clear of these poisonous people and stop questioning yourself ,op. You need to build your self esteem and the you will build your dcc's . Good for you, you have come far and will go further. What a good example you are giving to your dcc - but the ils will reverse all that if you let them.

You sound like a good person (giving them all these chances when they were vile to you) and a good mum. Do not let them have any contact with your children at all! They are your beautiful, lovely little people who are not some dirty little secret to be hidden away when exFiL rocks up. Or ever! If I were you I'd tell your exH very very clearly that if HE wants to maintain contact with his children he is not to take them there. If you find out through the children that he has done so (as it seems he appears upset by their behaviour at the time but gets over it very quickly) you will stop contact for him too. Your children should never, ever feel like second rate citizens and if they see their father overlooking behaviour that suggests otherwise I can't imagine how they feel.
The nosey beast in me wants to know what ethnicities/ nationalities are involved here but it makes not a jot if difference.

Yanbu! You have given chances. If someone else who was not family treated you or your DC like this, you wouldn't think twice. You have to protect them. I would refuse to let them spend time there. I would have a serious talk with Ex dh about his family and how they treat your DC and if things don't change maybe legal advice. Good luck.

These toxic racist and vile people, have no place in your DCs lives, no natter who they are. Their abhorrent views and attitudes will damage your DC. Do not think that just because they are related, that you are obliged to allow them in yours and your DCs lives. Block their numbers and cut them out.

YANBU. They have had enough chances, OP.

How hard must it have been for you go back to that house after they told you they can't stand you and your relationship with your ex. You're much more forbearing than me.They sound like awful people. As does your ex, for enabling their behaviour.

If he couldn't/didn't defend you from his ILs, then how will he protect his children?

"ExMIL has asked to come to my house to see the kids but I am very wary and tbh I just don't want her in my house - is this me putting myself first too much? Or is some contact with this gran important enough that I should suck it up every so often and have her in my house?"
No, it is not you putting yourself first too much, it is sensible. I wouldn't have her in my house either. And as for contact with her being important - again, no. If she was a lovely person who added to their life, it would be important. But she's a poisonous toad who would drip poison in their ears to drive a wedge between you and them. Remember this is the person whowas "awful to me if my exDH wasn't around to hear/see" - don't you think she'd do the same to them if you weren't around? Some grandparents, you need to protect the children from. Your FIL was easier to spot with his 'abominations' but she is just the same.

"Before the split ex had sold up a lot of assets as he is in business and we were looking to do something different and we were also between houses and when the divorce went through he apparently had nothing to his name - no idea where he put it all - "
So financial abuse too then? Fucker.

No way on earth would my children spend any time with racists. My boys are mixed race, the thought of what that family are doing to you and your babies makes me feel sick.

Your eldest is old enough to fully understand what's going on and the younger children will be internalising all that is said. At some stage, I imagine you may need to have the conversation with them that unfortunately their grandparents/aunts/uncles were never taught by their mummies and daddies that we are all the same and that some people think they are better because of the colour of their skin/hair/eyes/size of their nose. My friend has told me white children age 7 have been spouting racist drivel in the playground at her sons school and on the flip side, parents of a British Indian girl has taught her daughter all about racism to such a degree that she already had a chip on her shoulder age 6 and made a scene about racist comments when there were none . Theres no excuse these days and something little babies shouldn't have to be exposed to. I cannot begin to imagine how angry you must be.
I would sever contact immediately and never take the children to this house again. As a mum your instinct is to protect your children at all costs. It sounds like you may have been overly reasonable with these people and too permissive of their blatant racism. I get the reasons why and now it's time to protect your children. I think it's also a good idea to consider approaching the authorities over this matter as you can't stop your ex from taking the children to her house - or the grandfathers house for that matter.
If you ex mil proves she can behave and you want to review the situation that will be your choice and not a priority right now. I would never leave them alone with her again. How cruel.

Thank you all for your responses!

It helps me so much put everything into perspective - I have been so concerned with not wanting ex to feel that I am trying to take kids away from him and his family that sometimes I seem to have actually forgotten to see the real reasons why we are in this situation in the first place!

So many good points to take into consideration- yes we will have to have a conversation about why they don't see GPs and that side of the family very much, eldest has asked quite a few times and I usually just say we're too busy to make plans with them but I obviously can't keep that up forever.
Yes for now I have a lot in my plate and am going to bother considering them - I just need to put myself in a better happier phase of life as the kids feed off of me emotionally, it has been tough and will have tougher moments as well but I am determined that we will make it through.

Thank you all, means a lot to know that there are reasonable people out there that I can use as a sounding board for what sometimes feel like irrational thoughts/ideas/expectations!

I really hope you get away from these toxic people soon, any chance of transferring to another university?

"unfortunately their grandparents/aunts/uncles were never taught by their mummies and daddies that we are all the same"

Actually children know we are all the same, it is mummies and daddies that tell them we are different.

Atenco. You are indeed correct children do know this.
My DD has needed what I said above reiterated frequently because of the shit way that adults have treated her on a number of occasions. Had I not done so, she would doubtless be constantly questioning herself and viewing herself in a negative light in relation to everyone else. So although I brought up DD to know we are all the same, adults and other children around her made her doubt herself. This was the reason for my comment. :)

Wtf!

Your poor children, how incredibly damaging for them!

Fucking hell op yabu to never inflict those creatures on your dc again.

Ywbu to put up with that level of abuse for so long. You absolutely need to send a message to your dc that this behaviour is never ok or can be forgiven.

Sorry 'yanbu' to inflict the creatures!

How your ex can bear to see his children treat like that by anyone, let alone by his own parents is beyond me

So you have been financially and emotionally abused by your ex?

Any chance you can get legal advice? You need to keep your children away from all of them.

And as a grandmother, no, you don't have to facilitate contact. I can't imagine treating my DGC as she has. Evil witch.

"I can't imagine treating my DGC as she has. Evil witch"

This

In fact I've heard more stories people who are racists through ignorance completely changing their tune when they have mixed-race grandchildren.

Wow I am stunned. I think you are doing the right thing for your children!

It is truly evil. I have a mixed nephew and my baby due in autumn will be mixed too. If my DM, or any person, had treated them like this then I would have no more dealings with them.

Have you spoken to student support at your university re the issues with childcare? They may be able to offer you some help or support, particularly if you explain about the racial abuse aspect.

Also, a lot of universities now are quite child friendly and have parents groups or child friendly activity sessions. It might be worth going to see if you can meet some other students in the same boat so you can help each other out if stuck etc.

Fuck them and fuck your ex husband for allowing it.

I'd be looking for legal advice immediately re. cutting contact.

Did I understand correctly that your ex is hiding money from you / the courts re. divorce proceedings?