To be heartbroken because your DD is moving away

[AnnP1963]

I really need some strong talking i only wish i could talk hard and strong to myself.

Lets go from the start (Literally). Had a dreadful childhood mother was abusive and cold completely non-feeling towards me. Used to use a piece of bamboo to hit me with or if i was lucky i could actually pick which implement i could get hit with, bamboo or belt!
Anyway fast forward met the man of my dreams at 20 married now for 30 years . Tried for 2 years to fall pregnant with my eldest child and when i did it was like all of my birthdays and all of my Christmas's had come at once. She is the calm and the light of my life. 3 years later i had another child and i fell pregnant straight away she is amazing too bubbly, funny and very pretty. So as i am sitting here typing i have tears in my eyes and i am so so sad.

My eldest daughter is moving 110 miles away so she can buy a house, which is impossible in London. I feel completely floored. Because i had such a shitty childhood i made thier's wonderful and i lived the childhood i never had. We had bike rides, swimming galas, picnic in front of the television hugs and always lots and lots of love. They moved away to uni and came back every couple of weeks, with the washing! I did it gladly and enjoyed them being around. I am very proud to say they have been through Uni and have good jobs. I am so sad that my eldest daughter who lives 5 miles down the road in a rented flat is now moving away i literally feel like my heart has been ripped out. I have just had a shower and cried in it so i did not cry in front of her. I know she knows i am upset but i just needed to cry in private. They are all i have ever wanted in my life and after the upbringing i had devoured every happy moment, and with the most amazing mother-in-law any one could have finally realised how a happy family life could be.

Help needed here please.

Yanbu to be sad your child is leaving but, and I mean this in the nicest way, don't let your struggle for your most wanted daughter stop you from letting her become a women in her own right.

it's hard but she'll come back

I will be so proud of ds(12) when he grows up and moves on to be completely independent, however and wherever that may be. It will also, privately, break my heart. YANBU.

I live 900 miles away from my dad but phone him most days! She is moving away, not dropping off the Earth and I bet she'll visit lots too. It'll be OK.

I am sorry that you feel like that but you remind me of one of my friends, she is utterly bereft that her children have moved away -only an hour and they see each other most weekends and go on holidays together-. Do you have a DH? My friend seems to have alienated her DH and very much sees him as'second best' to her relationship with her children, which I think is incredibly sad. It must place a huge burden on your children if they feel they are so central to your happiness.

In the nicest possible way you need to expand your horizons and find other things to do with your time - do you have a job/hobbies/voluntary work etc?

Thank you all of you for your very kind words. I think it just hit me like a train today. I felt pathetic i felt so alone and when you have not had the best of starts its bloody hard. Still she is a lovely girl and she is very excited i am going to go up for a weekend once a month and she is coming down once a month so every other week sounds good to me. She lives 5 miles down the road and thats about as much as i see her now. I'm going to watch towie with a glass of rose wine, pure escapism. Im also going to list all the good things i have in my life and try a pull myself up from feeling so grotty.

However i would just like to say a huge thank you to all of you that took time to answer. I'm sure there will be plenty of more wobbles and there could be more occasions when i frequent MN i just never realised being a Mum would be so hard.

For you xx

Also . This is our reward and punishment for getting it right.

I quoted "This be the verse" to DD the other week, while dropping her back at uni.
"You didn't, you know"
"Well, I was pretty clueless and shouty."
"Nah, you gave me a good arsehole filter and you taught me to cook. That'll do."

110 miles is nothing really. DD1 lives about that distance away from DH and l. It's not what l wanted for me but it is the best thing for her and her now DH and DD. We make it work. She has just gone back home having been here for the weekend and we packed so much into the 2 days that l will need the next 2 weeks to recover (thats when we are seeing them again for DD2's birthday)
We have done day visits, we Facetime and Skype, Whatsapp pings throughout the day and we are going away on holiday together in June ( l suspect there is an alternative motive to be asked ie babysitting :) ).
I thank my lucky stars she has not gone abroad to work as DD2 intends to do. That will be a whole different issue if/when it happens.
Cheer up OP think positively that the time you spend together will because you both made the effort to see each other through affection not habit.

Your DD is doing what is normal and right - growing up, becoming independent, making her own life choices. As it should be. Don't be heartbroken - you can see your daughter and speak to her. My 18 year old DS died two years ago. My other son will need to make his own way in life, make his own choices. I hope he makes them for himself without feeling worry about me. I want for him to have and take all the opportunities he can.

This is how far we live from PiL. DH talks to them about twice a week, I talk to them at keast once, we see them at least once a month. Sometimes during the week, I drive half way witn Ds and they drive half way and we meet for lunch and a walk. We spend Christmas with them, they come up here often and we go down there. we are very close. Stop worrying, You are bound to feel sad but it will be fine- you will all adapt and see each other regularly.

Maybe you have these expectations because you live in a big city- if you live in the middle of nowhere like me- you always know that your children will move away for work.

You will find that it makes little difference- in fact they will probably appreciate you more!